Are you sure you’re a modern man?

I was recently watching an episode of The Bold Type (Season 3) on Netflix, a deceptively at first but very perceptive programme that really strives to challenge opinions on subjectivity and acceptable behaviour in what is inarguably a very confusing and progressive time.

It is based at 'Scarlet Magazine', the equivalent of Marie Claire that covers a variety of topics and plays out opinions of the wider journalistic arena. In one scene one of the 'good guys' at Scarlet is talking about how he knows the author of an article at New York Magazine that has just gone viral. The article discusses how women are repeatedly put in circumstances that make them feel uncomfortable and often feel that the situation they find themselves can often result in unwanted and unescapable sexual conduct. He decided to get in touch with her for a follow up article to try and urge men to be better, shocked at the coercive nature of what the article discusses - "Men need to be better".

During the meeting, it transpires that he is the man she is referring to in regard to when they had sex many years ago. He is genuinely perplexed as to what he has possibly done that made her feel in any way uncomfortable. As the scene plays out, you are also veering on the side of shock, confusion and even questioning the women's perspective.

However, he goes back to the office and relays the information to his trusted female colleagues to ask for their perspective and advice. Genuinely confused as to whether he is 'one of those men'. The women carefully and without judgement explain how what he thought was acceptable is not. The repercussions of perceived 'normal male behaviour' and how a woman sees that behaviour is often very different.

The ‘over staying your welcome’, inappropriate comments/jokes, reluctance to get a taxi home, getting more handsier as the night progresses. I could go on relentlessly. It can be quite hard for men to understand why a woman may find this a grey area to deal with... Especially when the man is in a position of power, not just in strength but position in society or work. It can be hard enough for women without being branded someone that 'is a 'dick tease' or ‘cries wolf'.

That well-known phrase:

“Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.”

― Margaret Atwood

What struck me about this episode was that the man in question was genuinely shocked and horrified that he had ever made a woman feel that way. I love the way that the situation was portrayed delicately so as not to imbibe the 'Men can’t do anything these days' diatribe. Would women really sleep with a man just to avoid being in a different form of an uncomfortable situation? YES. Yes and quadruple yes. All the fucking time.

If you're a man and you are reading this, if after sleeping with a woman, whether a friend or colleague and then she has not been the same with you since, assess how the scenario played out.

Yes we live in a different world. Yes men don’t always know where they stand. This is because you need to relearn many many years of 'questionable' (or downright horrific) behaviour. Be re- conditioned. Ask questions. Be inquisitive. Own your shit. Being genuinely keen to be better is everything. A different world is a good thing.

However, there are still men out there who are still just not getting it. There are so many good men out there too, good ones - differentiate yourself from these men. Some men definitely have a lot more work to do who don’t even realise that their behaviour, learnt from their patriarchal figures or peers is unacceptable. Bullying, gas lighting and misogynistic attitudes when they don’t have things their way. Or when a woman doesn’t behave the way they should or suits them.

Don't let your ego overtake your understanding and acceptance of what is an acceptable way to behave. A good gage of what is ok or not is 'would you be ok if another man treated your daughter this way? Newsflash, consent is a real thing. Being drunk is not an excuse. Prior consent does not equal constant consent. Badgering until they give in is not consent. If they are sleeping, that is not consent. No consent equals rape.

Help re-educate and create a safer and more consensual world for you daughter, sister, niece, neighbour and the barista that always brightens your day on a morning with her smile. Don't be accepting of those that hinder positive progress.

Some of the best times are preceded by chaos and confusion.