Apoptosis

I don't know what happened. One minute we were talking, the sun's rays hit your hair just right, and it was like you wore a halo. The whole room basked in your light. Your pale skin was so smooth and crisp against the contrast of your maroon shirt. I don't remember what I said, but you threw your head back and laughed a full-bellied laugh, the kind that always warmed my soul and made my heart skip a beat. I never thought I was funny until you laughed the way you did in that cafe. For all I know, you made me funny.

Something changed. You laughed, but it never quite reached your eyes anymore. I didn't see it, not until it was too late. My hands feel cold like you have never held them, but I know you did. I know you did. Didn't you? My lips are dry and chapped as if they have never known yours. But they still tingle just as they always have, and the only thing that made them stop, made them sing, was your lips. My ears ring, and my head spins because I cannot comprehend how it came to this.

Screaming, every single cell in my body is screaming. I heard you speak. The words are bouncing around in my head, but I cannot comprehend what you said. Like the cicadas screaming to avoid death by bird, I believe the cells of my body are screaming to drown out the words that left your lips. It feels like my eyes will never stop producing water. Insane ideas like needing to build a raft pop into my head because I know I will never stop crying. My body will never stop screaming. You are the only balm I need, and you refuse to be with me anymore.

Was it a switch? Did you turn off your love like a light switch? The darkness that your light chased away has come back. It embraces me like an old familiar friend, but it is cold and suffocating. I can't breathe, I can't think, I am just screaming even though I am not making any noise.

Is there a switch I can use to turn this off? Whatever this is that I am feeling, I want to turn it off just like you turned off your love for me. What is a rational explanation for this? Because you don't go from loving someone one moment to packing your things and moving out the next. You don't go from a romantic getaway where you talk about getting married, and then six days later, say it is over. That doesn't happen when you love someone. You can't hurt someone the way you hurt me if you love them.

When did it happen? How did you fall out of love with me? Was it swift? Did you wake up one day and look at me and decide? Or was it a slow, creeping poison that took root, and with every moment where I fell deeper in love with you, you fell out of love with me? Was every kiss a lie? Did we only go on vacation to New Orleans because we already paid for the hotel? Did you let me walk you around my favorite places, show you the city, and meet my friends because otherwise, I would have known?

You could have been honest and saved me years of torment. I still cry. My lips still tingle with no relief from the lips of another. The cells that haven't died since you left still scream. There are fewer of them now, but that doesn't make it quieter. I quit wearing make-up because, with the constant flow of tears, there is no point in wasting it.

Will you do this to her? I'm sure you've told her, but saying 'I love you' never stopped you from destroying a person. Will the engagement ring you put on her finger protect her? You waltz in and out of people's lives like a storm, destroying who they are, and pretend like you are the victim. But you are the reason they name storms after people. One day, I hope you learn that lesson, and maybe then you will retire your destructive ways.

I can't find my off switch, but I will reroute that power, and one day all those cells that scream for you will be gone. Until then, I exist in darkness, cold, and alone.