Apmt 413

October 1, 2020

It is a new month, October, and the month of Halloween! Have I ever been big on it, and by “it” I mean the dressing up and decorating? No, but something about this year and that fact that we are no longer living at home with our families makes me want to party for this fake holiday. Maybe, also the fact that for once Halloween is on a Saturday and not a weekday. Is there something wrong with wanting to live a little in my twenties? If you are having good fun, you should never stop having fun. I’m thinking this year bae and I might be Morticia and Gomez Addams and feign some intense, devoted love for one another… just kidding, no need to feign as we really feel that way for one another. Maybe we do not use the exaggerated words of passionate, dark love as the Addams, but we can embellish our wordings towards each other for one night.

Anyhow, onto the next topic in no chronological order. Me and Chris you asked? Oh, we are doing amazing. Short sentences are not always the way to go when you are blogging, but it is the way a lot of conversation is had these days. I seem to over embellish in a lot of what I do thinking I am writing a story as opposed to answering some simple questions. Yes, I am talking about work, but work is a later story. I was talking about Chris and I and how we are in love and ready to get married. Yeah right you though I was being serious about us getting married, we would probably build our own house together before actually getting married at the rate we are doing things, but who knows. This Saturday we have a little breakfast date planned, which breakfast dates are my favorite! I love breakfast and I love Chris, so they complement each other. Having breakfast with Chris at an amazingly delicious place like Snooze eatery is like heaven on earth for the half hour we sit there and eat and smile at each other.

Lately all the little moments have been more than the big plans. The meaning of everything we do changes as you become an adult. Not that everything we do has to be with some meaningful intention, but what I mean is that simpler moments become more cherished than before. As you grow older you begin to realize the things that are profoundly important and just like baby fat, you shed the unnecessary shit. Leaving all the irrelevant things out of your life is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Life evolves and as it is changing, we hold onto things we think we need. That is when you must dig deep and think, “do I need these things, this person, this environment.” Many things, people, and environments in life instead of helping us, hurt us more. It is our own job to eliminate our obstacles and roadblocks and continue forward.

It is fallen. Olympus has fallen. This is going to sound like a separate entry, as it probably should be, but it is still week five blog. After several blissful weeks of chilling and not being bothered about anything I am doing. My boyfriend finally said something I was waiting for him to say for a minute. “You’re starting to get too comfortable smoking every day already.” Like, isn’t this MY life to live? Can’t I do what I want and can’t he still love me for me. I am not being reckless or dumb, all I am doing is chilling as I do this damn thing called life. If this is me, the real me, will he even love me enough to stay? Am I asking a lot by asking him to love a girl that enjoys a doobie occasionally? Because if so, what will I do if he leaves… not that my life will be over, but it will break my heart. It would not be that I am choosing smoking over him, it would be that I am choosing myself over letting someone tell me how to live my life. Is there something wrong with wanting to be myself freely? If I do not stand my ground for myself, who will? I work, I cook, I clean, I workout every day, I kiss him goodbye and hello, am I doing something wrong? I always ask too many questions in my blog. I was born a curious cat, and that characteristic of mine, asking a million questions, I do not think will ever go away. Welcome to the rollercoaster ride named 'Melanie's Feels'. Stick around for the next uneventful update on my life. I promise it gets better, or at least I have strong hopes that it will.