Apartment 413

Where have you been you might be asking? Or might not, because let's face it, my audience is small. So for those of you wondering where did the blogger for Apartment 413 go? She took a mental health hiatus. I have been trying to just help myself be better and love myself more than I do most days. I have been feeling very stuck these days and it started to get to me. The fact that my mental health hasn't been doing great has been taking a toll on my motivation to write these blogs. I honestly don't even know how long it's been; maybe a month or two or even three that I have missed my weekly blogs. For that I am sorry. Writing without motivation or purpose brings no real joy to me and one thing that I always want this blog to be for me is a outlet.

Of course, the fact that this is a blog doesn't necessarily make this 100% quality or purposeful content all the time. I will say though that if I have no motivation I do not want to put anything out without love. I guess that is what I was feeling, or have been feeling; a lack of... of what? I don't know. I am not sure if it is just the heaviness of the times we have been living in, or other factors that surround me, but I know it has been hard to get out of bed sometimes. I have been dealing with a lot of my traumas and trying to help myself realize and acknowledge things before asking anybody for help. Which in my own personal opinion, I think is the first step to any kind of recovery, even if it's mental.

For the past couple of months life has been nothing but good for me but my brain can't seem to accept it. It's a funny thing, life. It seems like we go through so many phases in such a short period or time. I started to realize that my phases of happiness were so small. I don't know if it is just the realization that life really is something that we cannot take for granted, that the walls finally started to feel like they were closing in. Maybe it's the fact that people are getting married and having kids? People my age, and I do not feel there yet, nor do I want to be. Subconsciously does that linger? Maybe. Is it the fact that people are making "bank" and I feel like I am not going anywhere at this point? Sometimes. Is it the fact that I moved away from my mother and brothers and worry about them ALL. THE. TIME. because my dad left? YES.

See many things play a factor into ones mental health, but until you acknowledge whatever is taking it's toll you cannot begin to work on it. It has been taking me a minute to listen to the own words that I preach, to "let go and just be". So then why is it so hard to just let go? It's the part of my brain that went into override and felt a loss of so much control during the quarantine and going straight into change. Worries started to play over and over in my head resulting directly in physical manifestations of anxiety. From these physical manifestations I would become more anxious and worry even more. Then one day I realized I am in control of my own mind and body and if I treat it right and think right I have the power over my anxiety. So that is where I am at now; taking back control.

It has been hard to be open and pour out my emotions when even I feel lost in my thoughts. How can I spread positivity and want to share my days when they are so dark and looming. But, those days are part of life too and unfortunately, lately I had just having a lot more than wanted and expected. I am working on my mindfulness and making a come back. Focusing on my own physical health and mental wellness have been my re-introduction to being in control of my life. Even though tomorrow is not granted, I relish in knowing that today I opened my eyes and tomorrow the sun will still come up.