Apartment 413

December 4, 2020

Who would have thought we would have made it this far already this year? I can’t believe Christmas is upon us and it is December fourth already. Just Monday I celebrated another year of life, turning 26. I thought once I got to my late twenties I would start freaking out, but the reality of it is that it is jut a number. What I am more concerned with is feeling good about myself and living a healthy life. If I feel good as I progress in this life, everything else is just part of the journey. Just trying to get a little better than before and living a full life.

It isn’t always easy when you are going through your life journey. Even though I have great friends and a great boyfriend that made me feel loved and just let me relax on my birthday I couldn’t help but feel a little sad this week. The day after my birthday I just woke up sad and I had no earthly idea why. Causing this week to be an emotional struggle for me. I feel that as I grow older, not in age but in my wisdom and experiences I have also become a bit negative. As I have said before in other blogs, the negativity is sometimes all consuming. This week was a little like that. My bad thoughts that had absolutely no reason to even be in my head would win out the positive thoughts a lot. I am at a constant brain battle just trying to keep myself positive. Sometimes that’s the hardest battle of my whole day.

Positivity was never something I worried about when I was younger. Not until recent years that things have changed a lot around me, and I have been experiencing negativity has my mind also morphed. I never meant to let it happen, it just silently seeped into my mind and made itself at home. Sometimes I would feel like I wasn’t even myself during these phases. I reach and reach into the abyss to reach out for the girl I was before. A more positive girl and a more loving human. I allowed life to harden me. Now, I must learn how to break the barriers I placed for myself and become an all-around positive woman and share a lot more love. I want to only spread positivity and cheer to those around me, but when I am not feeling either of those things how can I possibly. I do not want to be a hypocrite, so I begin by figuring out how to maintain the positivity in myself.

I didn’t even feel like writing the blog this week. Disheartened just by my own negativity. It doesn’t matter to me if people read or not, what matters is that this is a productive outlet for me to voice things that may linger in my head or vent my worries and doubts. Regardless of whether you read and care or not, I love to write and I am proud that I was able to post something. Even when my mind was telling me “nobody cares,” I told myself that I care enough to stick with something I started when I moved with hope. I want to feel full of love and hope and happiness. Even though feelings are always fleeting I want to learn to cope with negativity and stress better and become the woman I envision. A strong minded, healthy living, free spirited and loving woman. If you read this, thank you and I appreciate you. Thank you for listening to a stranger’s rants and troubles. If no one else in this world has told you today, keep going, you’re doing great and I love you.