And So It Begins

Lights up: The stage is empty except for a young WOMAN sitting cross-legged on the floor. She casually checks out her surroundings, not expecting to see anything special. She performs a stretch or two, just to pass the time, looks at her nails, sighs heavily. We hear a brief ruckus offstage, then a young MAN bursts onstage. He is exhausted, but elated. At the moment of his entrance, the WOMAN leaps to her feet, horrified.

MAN: (looking back to where he entered) Ha! Yes! (He pumps his fist in the air, victorious) Take that! And like it! I did it!

WOMAN: Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is bad.

MAN: (turning to her) Oh. (He regards her awkwardly, then decides to be chipper) Hey!

WOMAN: No.

MAN: (a bit crestfallen) Aw, c’mon!

WOMAN: No!

MAN: (deciding to be affronted) Do you know how hard it was to get here?! Gimme a break!

WOMAN: No!

MAN: (annoyed) Can’t you say anything but “No”?

WOMAN: (thinks for a beat, then decides) No.

MAN: (with an effort) Look, how about if we start over? Okay? Maybe we just got off on the wrong foot. Whaddaya say? (He reaches out his hand to shake) I’m--

WOMAN: (recoiling) Gah! No! Don’t touch me, for chrissake!

MAN: (turning away in frustration) Oh for the luvva Pete!

WOMAN: What did you just say?

MAN: What?

WOMAN: Did you just say what I think you said?

MAN: I don’t…

WOMAN: For the love of Pete?

MAN: Uh, yeah?

WOMAN: (scoffing) What century are you from?

MAN: Hey! That’s not very nice!

WOMAN: Oh, my god. This is awful.

MAN: Oh, now. It’s not that bad. I mean, you know, you’re really cute, at least!

WOMAN: (looking at him with disdain) Gee, thanks. Too bad I can’t say the same for you.

MAN: I didn’t mean it like that.

WOMAN: Crap! She. Is going to be. So. Pissed.

MAN: But, why?

WOMAN: You’re not supposed to be here! Do you have any idea how many precautions she takes?

MAN: Not enough, apparently.

WOMAN: (enumerating them on her fingers) We’re talkin’ a diaphragm, jelly, foam--

MAN: (flexing his muscles) Nothing coulda stopped me!

WOMAN: (continuing) --and y’all are supposed to have been caught in a condom, anyway!

MAN: That’s why it was so tight out of the starting gate!

WOMAN: (trying to shoo him offstage without making contact) So, yeah, see? That’s why you’ve gotta get out of here. Go on. Go. (she stomps at him) Scat!

MAN: You know, I don’t think I like you very much.

WOMAN: Good!

MAN: You seem to have absolutely no feeling for the fact that I’m simply obeying my biological imperative. And let me tell you, it was not a pretty sight out there. Everybody was rushing as fast as they could, pushing and crowding, and fighting to be first of the pack. My buddies were dying left and right, falling by the wayside. It’s dark, and you can’t see where you’re going, but all you know is you’ve gotta go! You’ve gotta be first to the promised land! You don’t know why, you just know you do. And let me tell you, on the way here, you do some things you might not be proud of. You shove some other guys out of the way, you play dirty, you do what it takes. And for what? I won; what did it get me? You. And all you’ve done is try to get rid of me, try to make me feel bad. So, no. To be honest, I don’t like you at all.

(He turns his back to her. She regards him. There is a small silence, then)

WOMAN: You just might be the most selfish, self-absorbed cell on the planet. Did it ever occur to you to wonder what I was doing until you barged in here, all machismo and bravado and (she imitates him, pumping her fist) “Whoo! Take that and like it!”? No, huh? Well, let me tell you. I was sitting here by myself waiting to die. (pause) It’s a weird existence. You spend your whole life snuggled up cozy with all your sisters, then on some random day, you’re kicked out of the nest. And from that moment, you start the countdown. Twenty-four hours, give or take, and you’re history. Or I guess, you’re not history. Not progeny. Whatever.

(Pause)

MAN: Wow. (a beat. She looks at him, defensive, but he goes on earnestly) You were just sitting here waiting to die? All by yourself? I don’t think I could do that. (He shudders) I mean, that sounds … really lonely. At least if I hadn’t made it, I’d have gone down fighting. And in some dang good company. I mean, those other guys, they were really funny. We were always cracking jokes and giving each other a hard time. And you get to make the charge with a few thousand of them. I don’t think I could have done it all alone. That’s...that’s really brave. You’re really brave.

WOMAN: Are you making fun of me?

MAN: (quickly) No, no! I mean it.

WOMAN: Well, thanks.

MAN: If I were you, I’d have been happy to see me.

WOMAN: I was thinking of her. You know…

MAN: Yeah. No, I get it. That was thoughtful of you.

(Silence)

WOMAN: (shyly) Um, I’m...kinda glad you made it.

MAN: (perking up) Yeah?

WOMAN: Yeah. You know, it was sorta lonely.

MAN: (a little dejected, but trying to cover) Oh, yeah. You mean, you’re glad someone made it.

WOMAN: (quickly) Well, yeah. But I’m glad that someone was you. You seem...nice.

MAN: (perking up again) You think?

WOMAN: (smiling) Yeah.

(They smile tentatively at each other.)

MAN: She’s gonna be mad, though.

WOMAN: (chuckling ruefully) Tell me about it. Not much we can do about it, though. I mean, now that you’re here and all.

MAN: You’ve got a point there!

WOMAN: It could be fun…

MAN: (enthusiastically) Oh, yeah! I’ve always wondered, haven’t you? What it would feel like? Dividing again and again. All those cells! Some of us would be fingers…

WOMAN: Or noses!

MAN: Right! Or Toeses!

WOMAN: (laughing) That’s terrible!

(Pause as they look at each other, smiling.)

MAN: What do you think?

WOMAN: I think we’re going to find out.

MAN: What it feels like?

WOMAN: Mm-hm. All that dividing.

MAN: Do you think we’ll make it all the way?

WOMAN: (shrugging) Who knows? But it’ll be an adventure, whatever happens.

(They stand for a beat looking at each other. Then, WOMAN extends her hand, as if to shake. MAN reaches out his, and they clasp hands.)

Blackout