An Ode to Face Planting a Few Waves
Otherwise known as 18 things that make me crazily grumpy
I'm not really one to sweat the small stuff.
After all, as Jon Kabat-Zinn tells us:
So we may as well ride the waves, I say.
But while I've been honing my surfing skills over the years, I've also been known to still face plant a few waves from time to time. And these are my 18 all-time favourite things guaranteed to bring on said wave face planting.
1. Tradies: Leaky loo? Busted boiler? These guys have got you. Over a barrel, that is. When they're not busy adding unnecessary jobs to 'fix' the issue you called them for in the first place, or stretching out every last 15-minute block of time so they can charge as much as possible, they're not showing up. At all.
2. The gym-going (currently park-exercising) massive with made-up faces: Why I ask you?
3. Activewear being considered appropriate attire for all occasions (bar none): Endemic in LA and Sydney (even before the pandemic made elasticated waistbands the must-have fashion item).
4. Online dating: The activity with the lowest Return on Investment known to man (but mostly to women). Just. Say. No.
5. Amazon: And I don't mean the rainforest. Are people seriously still buying from these shysters?
7. White van and BMW drivers: If you drive one of these, you're a road menace. And most likely to have a complex about how teeny tiny you are (no, I don't mean in stature).
8. Singletons being asked why they're still single: I know, our relationship status bothers you so, poor thing. Us singletons must be so sad, lonely, and broken somehow. (Spoiler alert: We're none of those things).
9. Ditto single women being asked when they're getting married and having babies: My answer, dear busybody, is never. Deal with it (or don't). Either way, I'm good with it.
10. Sharing a confined space with other people's rowdy kids (that aren't my nephews and niece): Sure, some kids are cute. But so are dogs. Give me the latter over the former any day of the week. (Pretty sure there's even a parent or ten who'd side with me on this one).
11. Breaching one's personal dance space: You're not Johnny Castle, and this isn't a scene from Dirty Dancing. So even before the pandemic, standing too close was a risk to your health. Back up from the lady with the crazy darty eyes (a la all Days of Our Lives characters before a cut to commercial).
12. Lack of spatial awareness: Similar but a little different to #11. Most likely to be found in anyone with a smartphone obsession (or in possession of a map back in the day when tourism was a thing). Heed Fran Lebowitz's wise words. And Pretend It's a City.
13. Taxi drivers with an LBC obsession: That is, UK taxi drivers everywhere. Turn it off already.
14. PMS: For the ladies out there, no explanation needed.
15. Summer bumming: Ladies, I'm all for flaunting your individual style. Seriously, wear what makes you happy, denim shorts included. But while sporting a thong may be a go on the beach, this central London street ain't the beach. Put your bum away.
17. Tossers: As in those who prefer to chuck their rubbish on the pavement instead of its rightful place. There's this thing called a bin. Use it.
18. Home delivery drivers: Granted, you're key workers in The Age of Covid. I thank you. But... Stop. Ringing. My. Doorbell. The package clearly labelled without my flat number isn't for me. Is there a turn off notifications button for a doorbell?
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