An Abusive Past

There are so many people that keep their abusive relationships a secret when it’s happening to them. It could be out of fear for not only themselves but for the abuser, or they might keep it a secret because they don’t know how to get out of the situation, so they just deal with it while sinking into a deep pit of depression.

Which is why we need to talk about abuse and let those who are suffering through it know that it isn’t normal, it isn’t right and there are people who are willing to help.

In this day and age, we have the power more than ever before to help those who need it. To share personal experiences and educate those who don’t understand what abuse does to a person. To be of help to those that don’t know where to turn.

Some may think ‘just break up with them and leave’ but it isn’t as simple as that because there is a thing called trauma bonding and it’s difficult to break.

Abusive people can manipulate and weaken their abusees to the point where the person truly thinks they will be nothing without them [the abuser].

These types of situations can go many different ways but one thing we know for sure is that it isn’t right, it isn’t normal, abuse needs to stop.

My Story About Abuse

When I was 18 I started fooling around with this guy, let’s call him ‘Mark’. It was casual and it went on for four years, four awful years.

They were some of the darkest times for me and it took a few years to deal with what had happened.

Most of the healing took place when I met my most recent ex; a sweet guy who was patient with me and helped me fix what was broken within. He was the person that showed me what love is meant to feel like.

The first year with Mark was very casual. We would message each other and meet up every now and again. I had a crush on him but I was too proud to admit it. I also knew that he was the type of guy that just used girls. He was disrespectful and rude but I was a dumb 18-year-old who didn’t think much of it.

And after one year of fooling around with each other, we’d gotten a little more comfortable. And that is when the abuse started.

The First Punch

One night we were driving around town and arguing, he had gotten jealous over me replying to some guy that had messaged me. I’ll admit I made him jealous on purpose because he’d constantly do the same thing. Anyway, we fought like cats and dogs that night and he got so angry that he punched me in the arm. I was shocked and when the shock wore off I was pissed, so I kept arguing with him.

The mistake was not seeing how bad that was that he’d punched me. I should have called it quits right then and there.

I don’t remember the second or third time it happened but I remember that his punches got worse and more frequent.

The thing is we were never ‘together’, we never made it official. He was embarrassed to be with me because I wasn’t the typical 18-year-old virgin goddess that he wanted. But he strung me along anyway and told me he loved me. Ha, I laugh at that because it definitely wasn’t love.

Eventually, it got to the point where I snapped. One night I’d had enough of his bullshit, so I started hitting him back. He cowered as I punched him and told me to stop. It was the only way to put him in his place. I now see how wrong that is.

I’m lucky he wasn’t the type to dare hit me in the face. The only reason he didn’t do that was that his reputation was too important to him. My hometown is small and he needed to look like a ‘good’ boy so he could eventually marry an actual 18-year-old virgin.

He was a liar, a control freak, possessive and obsessive and somehow I’d turned into those things as well. We were toxic together. When he got angry he’d yell loudly and I’d try to match him. The fights would go on and on for years. It was an awful time.

The Bruises

I’d have to constantly lie about all the bruises on my arms and legs but some people knew the truth. It felt like it would never end and honestly, at the time I didn’t want to or couldn’t end it. I was growing more and more depressed.

There were many times when I would try to end things between us but he’d get mad and refuse and vice versa.

The bruises were one thing, but his words were a whole other level of abuse. Before I’d met him I had low self-esteem from school bullying. I felt ugly and worthless and he played into those feelings.

His words affected me more than the bruises that he gave me.

The End of it All

I always knew Mark wasn’t the one I’d end up with. And I knew that as long as he was in my life I’d never meet mister right, but I’d spend most nights dreaming about meeting the one and being showered with unconditional love. I knew I’d find that person and I hoped Mark would end up alone and miserable.

The biggest shock of all? Mark met someone else and ended things with me. And what’s worse is the girl he started seeing had just turned 18 and was apparently a virgin.

She’s a friend of a friend, so I’d actually spoken to her a few times before. I felt more betrayed than ever before.

It’s gross because the guys in my town like to pick out young girls who they would like to marry and wait for them to turn 18. And while the guys wait they spend their teens and young adult life partying and hooking up with random girls until it comes time to marry the ‘chosen’ girls. All the while those young girls never get to experience life. They marry young, have children young and are stuck in a small town for the rest of their lives.

And that is exactly what Mark had done. Basically he had just used me for four years while waiting for the girl he actually wanted to finally turn 18.

So, he was engaged to her within a year. He never apologized, never tried to right his wrongs. Instead, he blocked me and bad mouthed me to his new girl.

To this day she hates me, I know this because our mutual friend told me. It goes to show that Mark obviously lied about a lot of things, but hey that’s not my problem.

Though occasionally I do ask my friend if Mark’s wife is okay. But last I heard, Mark nearly cheated on her and one of his friends had to stop him. I guess he hasn’t changed much.

The sad thing is no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, so I do feel sorry for her [the wife] even though she hates me. What’s worse is that she grew up in an abusive home, so I worry that she thinks abuse is normal.

This is why sharing these types of stories is important. No person should ever think it’s okay to be abused by another, no matter who it is.

But it isn't the End

When the abuse stops you don’t just miraculously get over it, especially when you’ve suffered mental abuse. It takes a long time to heal and recover from those types of situations. It’s a struggle to trust anyone again, it's hard to have healthy romantic relationships without old baggage spilling out and it's painful dealing with your emotions.

I’m lucky because I didn’t go through the worst of the worst. And I also somehow managed to heal most of the trauma. My most recent relationship was the biggest healing for me, it taught me that not everyone is going to act the way Mark did. And there are decent people out there who are willing to love you for you.

But now I know there are many red flags when it comes to people who are abusive. So, be very aware of the red flags that present themselves and don’t just shrug them off when you see them.