Ahjussi (Adult)

어른/Adult

Tears are dropping in the end of a tough day

Where am I going?

I thought I was hurt as much as possible

Guess there's a lot left still

As if I was alone in this large world,

No one tries to look into my heart

No one

When I close my eyes,

I see my face, and I tell that girl

Not to torture herself

And stop for a moment,

That once my thick darkness

That doesn't seem to get washed away

Leave me,

Everything will be washed away

Like a stranger among laughing people,

Like I'm the only one who lost everything

Was I just mindlessly running for a long time?

Now dreams are so far away

Is this long sadness going to end?

Will someday just once

A warm sunlight come down?

I become me,

Stars shine forever

I see that dream

Without falling sleep

When I open my eyes,

I understand

That foolish me

Just can't become herself

I become me,

Stars shine forever

I see that dream

Without falling sleep

When I open my eyes,

I understand

That foolish me

Just can't become herself

Someday, sometime, somewhere

Will my little world smile at me?

I've been watching this Korean drama on Netflix called "Ahjussi (Adult)." It's based on a story about a 40-something year old man and a young girl with a complex past who initially started working together as co-workers, but end up finding each other in an unusual way. Set against the backdrop of a cold, gritty, lonely Seoul, these two strangers--albeit coming from different worlds--meet and end up understanding each other.

Usually around this time of the year, I end up feeling a bit forlorn as I think about the upcoming holidays and immediately fight off the temptation to reach for that bottle of wine or champagne I promised myself I would save until the New Year. This was never the case when I was in a serious relationship in college, but after having spent the last 10 years or so in the dating world and also trying to become a "more modern, independent woman," I find myself struggling and fumbling a bit this time of the year.

I've realized that this thing--religion--I've built and wrapped my Life around these past 17 years or so initially started out as a journey of Love. I was looking for something after college as I embarked on my new journey and religion seemed to fill that place.

But it seems that somewhere along the way, I've lost the way - this being that is supposed to love me and whom I'm supposed to love has become distant, aloof, almost not there. And I'm left fledgling...and wonder where things went wrong.

I feel like I've basically traded one master for another. When I conjure up this being in my head, I am reminded of the being in the Old Testament, quick to dole out punishments or retributions and not really having my back when I need it.

So I've decided to return to simpler things...the journey of loving myself. I've decided to look inwards to who I really am and to discover the strengths and courage that I didn't know I had. As the song lyrics above show, Life can be a challenge, especially in difficult times as during the Coronovirus epidemic and in this fast, changing world. To be honest, I could use all the hope, peace and resilience I can muster right now. In the song by Sondia above, the lyrics go: Like a stranger among laughing people/ Like I'm the only one who lost everything/Was I just mindlessly running for a long time?/Now dreams are so far away. Sometimes, yours truly feels like this - a stranger among people whose lives seem filled with family and other duties and the business of Life. I hope that 2021 brings a lot of comfort and Love that will warm the crevices in my heart and that my Little World and its les petite étoiles will smile back at me.