Abuser Abused

Even though you may have a tendency to be more of a victim than a victimizer, or vice versa, it is important to understand that in many respects there is significant overlap. This is true for several reasons:

1. Victimizers often see themselves as victims. If you were a victim of any form of neglect or abuse as a child you will probably consciously or subconsciously continue to react to life as a victim even if you take on the role of being a victimizer. You will continue to feel that life is unfair and that you are at the mercy of others.

2. Victims often victimize others. Victims often wreak havoc in the lives of those who love them, especially their children.

3. People usually do not remain in a victim or victimizer role throughout their lives and in all relationships. For example, you may tend to be a victim in your love relationships but be a victimizer when you are in a position of power, such as when you are promoted to manager at work or when you are with your children.

Some people go from being the victim in one romantic relationship to the victimizer in the next. When Dave was a young boy his mother emotionally abused him by constantly criticizing him. He could never do anything right as far as she was concerned. She told him he was lazy and disrespectful, and that he would never amount to anything. When he stood up to her at sixteen she put him into military school to teach him a lesson. There He learned to be as rigid and demanding as his mother was. Dave did well in college, and soon had a good job as a manager of a major company.

Although he got the kind of results the company respected, his employees often filed complaints against him because of his rigid, demanding style. Dave was just as demanding in his personal relationships. He became critical of every woman he was involved with, picking at her about the way she dressed, the way she kept her house—basically everything about her. No matter how hard each woman tried to change to meet Dave’s demands, he was never pleased.Because of Dave’s rigid style and critical nature he simply couldn’t keep a job or a relationship. Eventually women tired of trying to please him, or he became so critical of the woman that he ended the relationship. Employees complained so much about his abusiveness that companies simply couldn’t afford to keep him on.

Then Dave met a woman who swept him off his feet. She was so beautiful and so intelligent that he fell in love with her right away. Instead of feeling like the one in charge, Dave suddenly felt like a little boy around her, eager to please her, wanting assurance from her that she cared about him. But Melissa was a strong and independent woman and she wasn’t so quick to fall for Dave. This made her all the more attractive to Dave, a good-looking man who was used to women coming on to him.

Eventually, Melissa acquiesced and became romantically involved with Dave. But this was far different from any relationship Dave had had before—that is, except for his relationship with his mother. In fact, Melissa reminded Dave of his mother—in a good way. Melissa was accomplished and confident, and she kept him on his toes. He respected that. In fact, he respected Melissa more than any other woman he’d been involved with. Unfortunately, Melissa did not respect Dave. In fact, Melissa became as demanding and critical of him as he had been with other women. Caught up in trying to please Melissa, Dave did not realize he was being emotionally abused again—just as he had been with his mother. He compensated by being even more abusive with his employees at work, risking yet another job. By the time I met Dave, he was in crisis. He was afraid of losing his job and Melissa. Even though he was miserable with her, he couldn’t bring himself to leave her, especially with his job on the line.

According to most experts, without intervention, violence seems to perpetuate itself throughout the life span. It can start with the abuse of a child, who might later abuse a dating partner, then a spouse, and who might even end up being abused in old age by his or her own offspring. Dave had started out as an emotionally abused child. He turned into an emotionally abusive boss and partner in his adult romantic relationships. But Melissa changed all that. He was once again being emotionally abused, just like he had been by his mother.