You are playing on your laptop, socializing on FaceBook with your friends. You look at the clock on the wall.... Yep, you have a few minute still. But then you hear keys jingle in the door. He is home early! Frantically, you close the laptop and rush into the kitchen to get dinner started. Your heart is pounding because you worry if he is going to start screaming at you for not having dinner ready yet.
That is NOT an alright situation. That is NOT living a life. It is living in fear. Living in stress.
There are many forms of abuse. Not just physical. Emotional and Verbal and Mental abuses are just as terrible. Whether it's short term or long term, if someone insults you, controls you, isolates you, screams at you... it's a form of abuse. If being around someone is uncomfortable and scares you, it's time to get out of the situation. Does he always want to know where you are? Or expects things done his way? Perhaps he thinks everything you are doing is wrong? Do you compliment and buy him gifts just to make him happy but getting nothing in return?
How does abuse start? Sometimes, it can happen right away; other times it can happen over a period of time. When the behavior of someone changes and becomes controlling or insulting or upset easily it can scare and confuse you. But you stay at first because you think he is just having a bad day or he is going through something right now and doesn't mean to take it out on you. So you give him a second chance, then a third and a fourth and so on. By now you are so frantic and scared that you are afraid to leave. You feel as if you stayed too long and now you are stuck.
Feelings of anxiety and depression take over your life. Changing your personality just to please him. Always feeling afraid of upsetting him. You feel so empty inside and alone. But you are NOT alone. Emotional abuse happens to many women around the world.
Is it my fault? The answer is and will always be NO! No one ever deserves to be treated this way. No one is in control over another human being. It is never okay to be attacked. You have done nothing wrong.
Will it ever stop? That depends on each situation. The first step is setting boundaries. The abuser wants to feel in control. It makes them feel good about themselves. The knowledge of making someone else feel powerless and weak. Taking back the control over your own life, you need to be strong. Stay firm. Don't back down. Explain your concerns, telling him that it's not okay to attack. Give in detail what you mean as in attack, especially if your being abused emotionally and verbally. Let him know and understand what he is doing to you, what is allowed and what is off the table, how you feel about your personal time, what is acceptable and what is not, respecting your values and needs, and what can be done and what can't be done. If they say they are willing to work with you on this, to be a better person, then it's up to you whether or not to let them try. However, if you give them another chance and nothing changed then you know it is time for you to move on.
Why haven't you left yet? That is probably a question you asked yourself time after time after time again, feelings of guilt for staying with him for this long may enter your head, feelings of being scared to leave come to your mind. You feel as though you have been in this life for so long that you are used to getting approval and doing things to make him happy. You're used to the feelings of being afraid that leaving this life itself is scary to you. Remember this is your life. It is time to take back your control. Time to be your own person again. Not someone someone else wants you to be. Think about your old life: being happy, never being scared or depressed, not having anxiety, and most of all, having your freedom back.
It's time to leave. There are two ways of leaving. One is planning it out. You have an idea of where you are going to go when you're going to go. And the second way is just leaving. Just go! No matter what way you choose to leave, never look back. Don't look back. Keep going.
Does it hurt? Yes, honestly leaving can hurt you emotionally because you have been abused by someone you cared for and thought cared for you as well. But keep your head held high. Know in your heart that this is the best thing for you. It will take time to heal but in the end, it will be well worth it.
Getting help: Talk to your friends. Confide in your family. Seek out a counselor. Go to helplines. https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/resources/mental-health-hotline-numbers-and-referral-resources/
“The scars from mental cruelty can be as deep and long-lasting as wounds from punches or slaps but are often not as obvious. In fact, even among women who have experienced violence from a partner, half or more report that the man’s emotional abuse is what is causing them the greatest harm.”― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.
“You can have a pet zebra and put that zebra into a small cage every day and tell the zebra that you love it, but no matter how you and the zebra love each other, the fact remains that the zebra should be let out of that cage and should belong to someone who can treat it better, the way it should be treated, someone who can make it happy.”― C. JoyBell C.
“If you walked away from atoxic, negative, abusive,one-sided, dead-endlow vibrationalrelationship or friendship— you won.”― Lalah Delia