A story of my personal life
This is more poetry than anything.. simply because I don’t like grammar rules or ANY rules at that. Let’s be free, let’s give each other the space to be free.
This story begins with a long long long long long pre story of my entire mess of a life. So let’s begin- I’m not your average girl. My dad was a drug dealer/ raging alcoholic during my young years my mother always promised to get us away from him. Eventually she did. After the dark Fourth of July- when me and my younger brother and my mom were pushed out our front door by my father and told to leave... well we walked to Kroger and left. Fireworks wailing. I only had one flip flop on.. and to this day my dad says the reason we left was because my mom had another bf. *why are men horrible* anyways you can see how that would be a painful depressing time. Well I was young so who cares right, I just wanted to go to Champs, the skating rink, and see cute boys maybe get kissed in the dark black light hall upstairs near laser tag, my mind was on everything else.
Now that we managed to be separated from my horrible father- You would think finally, safety for our single family. No. My mom picked the worst man to be her new bf who was abusive to me and my brother and the next fire years were filled with suicide attempts, running away, being facilitated in rehabs, sent to group homes, and ended with four months in juvie. Fun. I was emo. I cut myself and hated every minute of life I dreamt of being adopted by a new family where I could live and just be able to be happy again.
Happiness was never really there for me. I made bad choices to try to hurt myself because I saw that no one cared how I felt so I thought destroying me was the best plan. And destroying myself became a huge theme for my life. Which I’m still trying to heal and change as an adult- but mostly I’ve buried it with extreme happiness that everyone finds annoying- but I find it a survival tactic. Funny how people never look very deep and never even know anything.
Here’s to my sadness. Guess what happened next.. the unbelievable. My mom kicked me out of her house so she could live peacefully with her new bf. I was sent to live with my father. The raging drug dealing alcoholic. He didn’t buy me shampoo, conditioner, make up, nothing useful. Nothing I absolutely needed to maintain a normal reputation in high school. I forgot one detail.. I’m popular, and I’m hot. Every boy wants to fuck. And all I need in life is stability from ANYONE. You can imagine how high school went the football team wanted to run a train on me. And let me just tell you a young girl without parents to guide her will make the wrong choices. So I slept with some boys on the football team. I was heartbroken when I found out not one wanted to date me... okay... cool. I was being used. So much for young romance.
Things desperately needed to get better, but honestly things kept getting worse for me.
Luckily. This is all I want to share right now and I’ll share more continued when I have the heart and the time.