In chapter 2, I warned the reader that “understanding the five love languages and learning to speak
the primary love language of your spouse may radically affect his or her behavior.” Now I ask, “What
do you think?” Having read these pages, walked in and out of the lives of several couples, visited
small villages and large cities, sat with me in the counseling office, and talked with people in
restaurants, what do you think? Could these concepts radically alter the emotional climate of your
marriage? What would happen if you discovered the primary love language of your spouse and chose
to speak it consistently?
Neither you nor I can answer that question until you have tried it. I know that many couples who
have heard this concept at my marriage seminars say that choosing to love and expressing it in the
primary love language of their spouse has made a drastic difference in their marriage. When the
emotional need for love is met, it creates a climate where the couple can deal with the rest of life in a
much more productive manner.
We each come to marriage with a different personality and history. We bring emotional baggage
into our marriage relationship. We come with different expectations, different ways of approaching
things, and different opinions about what matters in life. In a healthy marriage, that variety of
perspectives must be processed. We need not agree on everything, but we must find a way to handle
our differences so that they do not become divisive. With empty love tanks, couples tend to argue and
withdraw, and some may tend to be violent verbally or physically in their arguments. But when the
love tank is full, we create a climate of friendliness, a climate that seeks to understand, that is willing
to allow differences and to negotiate problems. I am convinced that no single area of marriage affects
the rest of marriage as much as meeting the emotional need for love.
The ability to love, especially when your spouse is not loving you, may seem impossible for
some. Such love may require us to draw upon our spiritual resources. A number of years ago, as I
faced my own marital struggles, I rediscovered my need for God. As an anthropologist, I had been
trained to examine data. I decided to personally excavate the roots of the Christian faith. Examining
the historical accounts of Christ’s birth, life, death, and resurrection, I came to view His death as an
expression of love and His resurrection as profound evidence of His power. I became a true
“believer.” I committed my life to Him and have found that He provides the inner spiritual energy to
love, even when love is not reciprocated. I would encourage you to make your own investigation of
the one whom, as He died, prayed for those who killed Him: “Father, forgive them for they know not
what they do.” That is love’s ultimate expression.
The high divorce rate in our country bears witness that thousands of married couples have been
living with an empty emotional love tank. The growing number of adolescents who run away from
home and clash with the law indicates that many parents who may have sincerely tried to express love
to their children have been speaking the wrong love language. I believe that the concepts in this book
could make an impact upon the marriages and families of our country.
I have not written this book as an academic treatise to be stored in the libraries of colleges and
universities, although I hope that professors of sociology and psychology will find it helpful in
courses on marriage and family life. I have written not to those who are studying marriage but to those
who are married, to those who have experienced the “in love” euphoria, who entered marriage with
lofty dreams of making each other supremely happy but in the reality of day-to-day life are in danger
of losing that dream entirely. It is my hope that thousands of those couples will not only rediscover
their dream but will see the path to making their dreams come true.
I dream of a day when the potential of the married couples in this country can be unleashed for
the good of humankind, when husbands and wives can live life with full emotional love tanks and
reach out to accomplish their potential as individuals and as couples. I dream of a day when children
can grow up in homes filled with love and security, where children’s developing energies can be
channeled to learning and serving rather than seeking the love they did not receive at home. It is my
desire that this brief volume will kindle the flame of love in your marriage and in the marriages of
thousands of other couples like you.
If it were possible, I would hand this book personally to every married couple in this country
and say, “I wrote this for you. I hope it changes your life. And if it does, be sure to give it to someone
else.” Since I cannot do that, I would be pleased if you would give a copy of this book to your family,
to your brothers and sisters, to your married children, to your employees, to those in your civic club
or church or synagogue. Who knows, together we may see our dream come true.
For a free on-line study guide please visit:
http://www.fivelovelanguages.com
The study guide was designed to take the concepts from The Five Love Languages book and teach
you how to apply them to your life in a practical way. There is one page of study notes per chapter.
For couple or group studies and discussion groups
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