A Long Term Relationship Is...

Let me get all the facts out there first - so you don't feel 'jaded' or 'tricked' when you read this whole thing.

There are no books out there that will truly tell YOU how to handle YOUR relationship. You'll find more luck perusing the internet feeds from a standpoint of relationship advice, and probably find them more current than any book you'd be recommended to. And, to compare your relationship to others is probably not the best action to take, but it's one that makes sense when you start thinking yours is in trouble or shaky or whatever other words "fits" the scenario for you. It's possibly even all a play on words or maybe just a diatribe making the author feel better at the moment they wrote it.

I'll also spill the beans on the particulars - my relationship consists of 2 males: myself & my other half. "Same-Sex", "Gay", etc., if it must have labels, but to be completely honest with you it is just two people who fell in love at the end of 1998 by just being and remaining ourselves through thick or thin...well, as much as we could. While we both have gone through our own personal changes and demons we have stuck it out and much of that has had to remain unsaid: the goal was just inherently there at "we" were alright, regardless of the things that have gone on around us. We are now both in our mid-50s. I've found that the only difference between our relationship and the relationships of my straight friends is basically the sex of the people involved. Two people together living life with the efforts of the other. Virtually every other aspect is mirrored in my friend's relationships and lives, concerning their other halves.

One thing that I've noticed and made note of along the years are a few interesting "factoids". Those are 1) Out of the large number of people we've known, there are only a few couples - gay or straight - who have a longer number of years together than we do. 2) I noticed that the issues that other friends in relationships complain about - or vent about to other friends, which would be more accurate of an explanation - are pretty much spot on exactly the same as ours and mostly surround the same things that plague or undermine most relationships: the share of housework or division of home responsibilities, financial issues which can range from income amounts to how money is spent or used, goals about the future, and sex. I guess I ask you this question on any of those: Do you want someone else to guide you through these decisions?

I pick the brains of some of my friends who seem to maneuver through these issues with ease to see if I'm just missing something. And their responses are always broad and over-sweeping but they all also contain one common answer: communication

You could probably guess that answer with a little intelligence, but with every relationship expert citing communication being the number one needed characteristic in any relationship, it seems to be the hardest to achieve. Why is that?

I have a few theories about that - and will only synopsize them here. First & foremost I think that the individuals in a relationship, regardless of whether they do this subconsciously or with forethought, there are some who will repeat the actions of their parents or those they grew up with in terms of how they "act" in their own relationships, and that is regardless of the state of those parental relationships. Some of the relationship "training" took place in younger years and it may be worth looking at if you see your own relationship going the way your own parents did... it requires the ability to step outside your emotions and actions, asking yourself tough questions (which shouldn't be tough) like if you're reacting too harshly to something being said, or if you're hearing a tone that really isn't there, and such. These are very difficult to do because it requires accepting responsibility for your own REactions, not only your actions. I can't tell you how many time an evening has gone wrong due to one of us "thinking" that the other said something with an irritative intent when in fact it was just a statement. . so, in turn, I say to you, listen to your own tone of voice, especially when you're tired or thinking about something else - your other half is there FOR you and wants to be the one you are spending special time with - but not if your tone conveys irritation. Remember why you are in love with this person.

The other theory is that we - meaning our society, our culture - has, for years, presented pictures and images of families and relationships that have become part of our adult psyche. There is a huge range of emotions that can be represented in relationships, and some can be dangerously unbalanced and some can be dangerously introverted, and those examples can clash horribly. However most people don't want to "rock the boat", especially in the early phases of the relationship. We WANT to remain calm, we think that we should, and it also may be deemed out of character to rock the boat or stir any unpleasant issues when in the bigger picture those issues may really be smallish in comparison.

I say to you now: rock the boat. Don't hold it in, don't bottle it up - the old adage about it being bottled up being bad and then exploding is very true, and it's extremely unhealthy. Rock That Boat, get any issues out in the open, and COMMUNICATE. Anything else is a slap against your other half that eventually takes on the guise of distrust and can create a vacuum of love, not the other way around.

You must be open to hearing what you may consider harsh truths over the course of several decades, but you can also promise from the beginning that your communications with love and respect, not attacks and ugliness. Rehearse what you want to say without blowing up - hence the importance of not bottling up your feelings - and share all information lovingly. This isn't to say that you won't have times that are difficult - ALL couples do. But the way in which you react and/or approach each of these things will dictate how the bigger items in life - such as the loss of a parent or child, or surgeries that are frightening and life-changing, illnesses, etc. - major issues - will be handled. THOSE are the times when you have to be able to have 100% trust and confidence and love from the other person in your life.

Go ahead and research any of those "helpful sites" that you want - of course, get opinions from all over, but try to not pay too much. The best piece of advice you'll ever get is simple: COMMUNICATE OPENLY with the one you love.

One other thing: Be friends first. Be kind and have fun - because IF you have a friendship as a baseline with this person in your life - I promise you, the harder things or times that come along will be much better and easier to take, easier to bring to a conclusion together. It is probably the single most successful factor in the longevity of my relationship, possibly even more so than the importance of communication, but probably going hand in hand. If you have a real friendship first, then the communication should be quite easy.

22 years in November for us... I can say that I can't imagine a future that we wouldn't be in without the other. We have fun together, we share a lot of things in common, and we also have our own lives and interests that retain our individuality. We could improve some things for sure - we could communicate better, we could definitely "fight" better (although I will say in the 22 years we have only had about 6 or 7), and there's probably a list that each of us could improve on. But having that list of improvements gives us goals for the future that we can both work on and there's nothing wrong with that - constant personal improvement is something that should keep going until you're on your last days, and will continue to improve the quality of your own relationships outside of your romantic life; meaning with your friends and family and those you come into contact with.

Thanks for reading, and keep reaching for the sky!