I was cleaning out a drawer of old stuff today and I found this in the back of a journal. This letter is well over a year and a half old and I still remember the girl that wrote this so vividly. This girl was feeling so much appreciation for a beautiful person that at the time was literally saving her life, but was afraid she was nothing more than a burden. She wasn't sure how to express any of that so when she tried to talk about it it always came out wrong. She just wanted her best friend to understand that. She didn't want to be a negative energy and always worried that she was because she could feel the stress she was applying. She could feel herself becoming a nuisance even though they never even hinted that she was. So naturally she did the one thing that never seemed to fail her. She wrote about it. While she still has nothing but love for this person and this letter never made it to who it was meant for, I think it says a lot about the similar feelings that people with the same level of anxiety experience. I didn't change anything about the original letter because I think there's something so real about it. This is from a moment in time where all I was feeling was the pure gratitude this human deserved and I was trying to get across all the things I tried to say everyday but never managed to and even if you don't experience this type of fear I hope it helps you see it from someone else's side. The letter read as follows:
Dear Best friend,
If I tell you over and over again that you're amazing, it's just because I want you to know. If I tell you over and over again that I hope you had a good day, it's because I haven't and I think you deserve it.
If I tell you over and over again that I love you, it's because I'm scared of tomorrow and I just want you to understand that someone does. If I bug you sometimes, it's because it makes me happy to hear from you.
If it doesn't make sense, I'm sorry I'm crazy. If I miss you sometimes, it's because it's hard not to.
While my friendship is selfish, it's all I have to give some days, most days. And while I provide nothing and you supply all the things that matter it's easy to see why it's hard to be around me some times.
When I reach out to you it's not because I need your attention, it's because I'm lost and you feel like home. And when all I'm doing is taking, for some reason you still tolerate me.
I know I get annoying real fast, but my intentions are never to ruin your day. I only hope for the best.
I know you hate pictures, but I don't know how else to let you know how beautiful you are. Every snap shot captures a glimmer of light that I see every time you appear.
My veins bleed inspirational quotes and endless thank you's and as I repeat them over and over again, they slowly lose their meaning and I know eventually they won't mean anything.
There will come a day when you pick up your phone out of boredom and it won't be me you dial. I'll officially serve no purpose, and it'll be okay. But when that day comes, the only thing I ask is that you remember me. Inevitably, I'll fade into an obscure face that might have a name, but might just be a blurry image. Until then I'll continue to look at you and wonder how anyone ever thought you were anything but perfect.