A Guilty, But Necessary Brain Dump

I do not know quite how to express what I feel inside. In fact, I don’t know if I feel anything at all. Is it possible to feel nothing, when there is nothing there to feel in the first place?

The neglected hairs on my pale legs have attracted the softly popping tufts of bubbles floating in the water around me. My son’s cheeky giggle echoes into the bathroom, as he joyfully found a connection with his Nan. Still, I feel numb. I wonder what would happen if I let go of the control in my body and allow the water to fill the emptiness inside. Although, homeostasis will most likely take over and I’ll have to come up for air again, so there’s no point in trying.

I have always wondered how one can feel so lost when they have something another would dream about having. In someone else’s life, I would have everything in their eyes. Does this make me a bad person? What even defines a bad person? And who decides? Despite this, I think it is possible to feel empty and still be grateful for the things you have. Which I do, and is apart of why I carry such a heavy grey cloud of condensed guilt locked away in my heart.

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live this life either. Is there a halfway?

I’m too afraid to find out. I love my husband. I love my son. I love my family. I would never want to hurt them and I don’t want to let my son down because I know the truth deep down is, he needs me. And maybe, if all this really is “just a phase”, eventually, one day I will need him? Perhaps he will show me life in a way I haven’t seen it before. I believe as though I owe it to him to stick around longer to find out.

I don’t want him to grow up thinking it’s okay to give up when life feels at its hardest, because it’s not. Hence, here I am, right now, writing whatever this is; hoping there are others out there reading this who think, ‘wow, I know what she means’. Although I ponder over it, giving up just isn’t an option. Sure, I know there are great things that can happen in life. There’s certainly really crappy things that seem to loom too. But I don’t feel any excitement.

“Go find adventure!” Or “Go do this!” They say. Yet, they don’t know my situation? In fact, no one but my husband does. It’s so easy for someone to sit there and tell you what you should be doing; but going and doing it is a completely different story. There’s so much motivation and energy that it requires which, I know for myself, I certainly don’t have. How could I, when I am awake all night with a crying baby? How could I, when I go to work the next day, trying to get a paycheque to pay off bills that don’t seem to ease off? How could I, when I am simply surviving, with literally, no other options but to keep surviving day to day?

Sometimes, and right now it feels like all the time, life is so unfair and I can’t stand it. When do we catch a break? All of this might sound like utter complaining and that I am being ungrateful. Which yes, I’m definitely complaining. God knows we all do it and frankly, I don’t have anyone to talk to who would properly understand. That doesn’t mean we can’t find gratitude for the things we already have, even if it isn’t what we want.

I’m sure there are a heap, and heap of others feeling similar to this. And if you’re reading this, I’m glad you got up today as well. It means I’m not alone, and actually, there’s some comfort in that. If you need to complain about your life, or anything for that matter, go ahead and do it. Wether you have someone to vent to or have a pen in hand, or even just your phone, get it out of your head and off your chest. All of it. It’s more than okay to feel like giving up on life when everything hit rock bottom. Though, it’s important that you don’t give in to the dark thoughts persuading you otherwise. You might even feel stuck there, like me, but part of my soul knows that it won’t be forever.

We were given one life. It’s not a game. We can’t die and come back again, this isn’t Jumanji! In fact, I miss Robin Williams, and though he didn’t even know me, it broke my heart when he passed. I felt sad that he wanted to leave. I felt sad for his family, knowing they would never see him or get to cuddle him again. I feel sad knowing that there’s so many others out there who felt the same as he did. Which brings me to the realisation of how important it is to listen to people. How important it is to ask that crying stranger on the bus if they need to talk. I believe we need to start doing what we wish others would do for us. Not for any other reason than the sake of being a decent person and genuinely caring about humanity. In a world that’s falling lost in hatred, judgement and disease, there’s only so few of us left who have the potential to light our humanity flame again.

I guess all we can do from here is the next right thing. Keep waking up. Keep showing up. Keep trying. Because there will be something bigger, something better in all our futures. It might take a few days, it could take a few years, who knows. But I understand now as I write this, we owe ourselves that much to keep sticking around and find out what our purpose is. To find out why we are here, breathing, heart rhythmically beating, blood pumping; Alive.

If you are needing one, I send you an enormously warm hug and all my support. I encourage you to do something for yourself, wether it’s as simple as brushing your hair, having a bubble bath like me, or maybe going for a run. Do it, because you’re worth it. Do it because no one else will do it for you. I get it now that we have ourselves, as well as each other in this moment, and that in itself is enough.

Australian Lifelife: 13 11 14

*If you need to speak to someone, please google your national lifeline. You truly are worth it. We all are.