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9 Things to Do Instead of Cheating

Just don't be crappy.

By Jessica RowePublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Cheating sucks. To be the cheater sucks pretty badly, I’m sure. As Steve said in the Sex and the City movie, “it’s been killing me.” Yeah Steve, I’m sure it has. You probably feel guilty. You’re feeling regret. You maybe even hate yourself a bit. But remember Miranda’s response? “It’s killing you??” Sorry, Steve. You’re not feeling what she’s feeling. You’re not feeling betrayed. You’re not feeling humiliated. You’re not feeling like someone just cut you open and ripped out every happy feeling you’ve ever felt and left you feeling cold and dark and empty.

And it seems these days that more and more people are cheating. I mean, humans have always been cheating way too much, but maybe these days it’s just easier to get caught. Maybe some of us even want to get caught.

To some of us, it feels like every single person we know cheats. And even if the people we know aren’t cheating, they’re contemplating it or at least fantasizing about it. It’s the need to spread the seed. Men and women alike. So I’ve created a list of things to do instead of cheating.

1. Eat.

No one wants to get laid when they’re bloated.

2. Go for a walk.

The fresh air will clear your head and your hormones.

3. Call your mom.

Her sweetness and high hopes for you will possibly make you feel guilty about the shitty thing you’re about to do. You can disappoint the love of your life, but you can’t disappoint your mom.

4. Listen to music.

Not sexy music though. Sexy music will encourage you. Listen to music that will kill your buzz and make you hate yourself too much to go through with it. I would recommend “The Special Two” by Missy Higgins.

5. Watch a movie.

Preferably a movie where someone cheats so you can be reminded how horrible it is for everyone involved.

6. Take a nap.

There is no dilemma too big that can’t be avoided by a nap.

7. Masturbate.

Because, duh.

8. Think about a time when you were really in love with the person you’re with.

Think about the first few dates. Think about some inside jokes. And maybe even think about their face when they’re in agonizing pain and maybe, if you’re not Satan, that may prevent you from wanting to inflict that pain on them again.

9. Consider why you want to cheat.

Sometimes it’s a bad relationship that makes you want to cheat. In which case, you should end things instead of cheating. Then you can go have sex with that person you want to have sex with without the repercussion of BURNING IN HELL LIKE THE SHITTY DEMON THAT YOU ARE.

Is your relationship good? Well then you’re the problem. I find that the problem that factors most into someone wanting to cheat is boredom. Not even necessarily boredom with the person you’re with, it’s boredom with yourself. Maybe you’re a stay-at-home mom who spends her time cleaning and cooking and wiping tiny human asses and you want something to wake you up and rattle you from the inside out. Maybe you’re working a 9-5 job and have no hobbies other than smoking weed and playing video games that you’re not even really into and you just want something that makes you feel again. DO NOT CURE THAT BOREDOM WITH SOMEONE ELSE’S GENITALS. It will just leave you feeling bored again once it’s over and guilty as fuck on top of that. Instead, go on a trip. Try a new hobby. Make more of an effort to hang out with your friends. Try new restaurants. The options are limitless. You can literally do anything you want to do, but you want to cheat? No. Stop. I know it feels exciting in the moment, like “this human is hot!”, “I’m so bad!” No. Your crotch is hot because of the anxiety you’re feeling from the idea of doing something stupid. You’re not bad in a hot way. You’re a bad guy. You’re THE bad guy. Be good. Be bad with your significant other. They’ll be down.

And if it’s not boredom, and it’s not the relationship, then you need to face the fact that you may have some psychological issues that need some tending to. It’s really easy to get counselling these days. You can actually have complete therapy sessions via text. So do it. Get the help. Face your problems. Make sure you’re not allowing your past heartbreaks to make you cause more heartbreaks. You’re better than that. Just be better.

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About the Creator

Jessica Rowe

Mama, wife, writer.

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