6 Steps to Self Respect, Help Yourself to Help Others

In our household growing up we received hidings if we didn’t listen or do as we were told. My parents had learnt from their parents and modeled that behaviour, the number of times I heard the phrase ‘Are you crying? I’ll give you something to cry about…’

Also, this was a favourite one. ‘I have asked you twice now, don’t make me ask you again.’ The belt would make an appearance, and suddenly I could remember everything they asked me to do. My parents worked on the principle that a burning butt had a direct effect on the opening of the ears.

To be fair, sometimes we just wouldn’t listen. Many a time my sister and I would run around the garden and meet up around the back of the house to stay the wrath of an irate Mom. We had driven her to that wrathful state, but once she took on that persona what had previously divided us and caused the wrathful state now united us in facing the impending wrath.

We have taken a different approach with our children. We simply remove privileges like screen time etc. Works like a charm.

I remember friends of ours who used pocket money as their tool of negotiation. Their children started off each week with $50 or whatever it was, and then would lose $5, every time they were disobedient, and at the end of the week they would pay their children what they had ‘earned’ through discipline.

There are many schools of thought on disciplining children, but I often wonder what effect that has on a child’s self-esteem in the longer term. Do we judge ourselves more harshly or does it make us more resilient? Well, the answer depends on the child and their mental and emotional makeup.

Later in life do we ‘inherit self speak, from our childhood experiences? I think the answer would be yes.

Speaking of self speak, your own internal dialogue, what about your own self speak, do you ‘give yourself a hiding’ or remove your own privileges? Do you shame yourself? Or are you one who gives yourself a break, or one that is not hindered at all by internal dialogue?

My Mom was famous for this statement ‘ I am so disappointed in you’ that was almost worse than a hiding, at least the stinging butt would pass quicker.

Do you shame yourself or beat yourself up ‘I am so dumb’ or ‘why was I so stupid.’ These phrases have often been my internal dialogue as I grew up.

Then I met Patrick, he was my marketing director at a pharmaceutical company and he had a totally different manner of dealing with himself.

He would give himself a break and actually laugh at the mistakes he had made. He had a jovial way of dealing with his own shortcomings and expectations. He never would defend his ego, if he was wrong he would admit it openly and move on to the next thing, sometimes nonchalantly commenting ‘oh silly me, my mistake.’ He would never dwell on his mistakes though.

His mantra was ‘Don’t take yourself so seriously, we are all human and we will all die one day, this moment is a mere drop in the ocean of time.’

Not all of us can give ourselves a break like good old Patrick, and we also do need to hold ourselves accountable or else we just make life even more difficult for ourselves. But there is a more self-loving way we can garner respect for ourselves and change our internal self speak while still being productive.

Respecting ourselves is not always about flippantly giving ourselves a break, maybe we can understand ourselves better and seek the help we require, or open up to someone else who could assist us. Maybe we take calculated risks or motivate ourselves to achieve something.

When we mess things up, we should be accountable, and take responsibility and be honest with ourselves that we messed up, and learn from that, not beat our self up forevermore.

Once early in my career I messed up, big time. It took me years to process the embarrassment; I wish I had just learnt from it and moved forward. It held me back for about two years, until I decided, that I am human, we do mess up. I learnt I needed to be more circumspect and understand the motivations and expectations of the audience I am presenting to.

I would always understand each forum and audience expectation, prior to presenting, and then I moved forward by learning from the negative experience.

We can all hold ourselves accountable without shaming or judging ourselves. Here are some steps that may assist you as they have assisted me.

1. Attitude Towards self discipline

Look at self discipline differently, don’t see it as a punishment or boring ‘have to do’ but as an ally, remembering that honing the skill or putting in the time and the effort will have the best outcomes for you down the track.

2. Self realisation of weaknesses in a loving way

Nobody has everything under control even if they look like they do, it’s just some of us know how to create an illusion better than others. When faced with a big decision like needing to get help for an addiction or having to break up with someone who is no good for you in the future. Don’t beat yourself up, think about the growth you have experienced by the realisation that you need to change things. That you now realise that you need to take care of yourself. Your future you will thank you.

3. Own it and take control

There are many things that we can control in life and even more that we cannot control. Take control of those things that you can, and reward yourself for doing so, as you control smaller things in life, so your confidence grows.

I like to exercise in the morning. During the day, problems and challenges come at me from different angles, many of which I have no control over.

I can control and empower myself with my exercise routine, it also builds the self-discipline muscle and makes me feel I have accomplished something before I have even started my day.

4. Soften the blow

Make your inner dialogue a lot more caring and loving, don’t beat yourself up, that’s just going to make you focus on your failure and not on what you will do about your failure. ‘Okay, I made that mistake but there must be another way to look at this and mitigate the negatives.’

That type of statement changes the failure into an opportunity, suddenly your attitude towards the mistake or challenge is now one of seeking solutions, rather than brooding over it and beating yourself up.

5. Do today, that which will benefit your future self

We are all products of our past, but it’s no good dwelling on the past and regretting your current situation, work on improving your future by making the changes now.

Don’t beat yourself up because you never studied that course in which your interest lay, and you can now see that was an industry you would like to be in, take night school classes or online classes, and contact people from that industry. Or it may be, that your health has suffered from poor diet and lifestyle choices. Make a ‘u’ turn and begin making little changes, walking more, or do just 3 sets of pushups, even if you an only do 5, slowly build up. Rome was not built in a day, but Rome was built. Your future self will thank you for the little changes you make today.

Write a few pages of that novel each week, stick at it, never give up, life is a marathon, not a sprint. Consistency and small consistently correct choices make for a better future.

6. UBUNTU is an African word meaning ‘I am, because we are.’

When we understand that we as individuals make up communities, and the communities support us as individuals then we learn the reasons we need to care for our communities, and care for others.

Think about how you can help make the planet a better place, give to those less fortunate, direct your business in such a way that you support the sustaining of the planet.

I currently work in the seafood industry and by changing responsible fishing methods, from the previous cheaper and more destructive fishing methods we changed the fishing methods of all of our competitor brands too.

If we see self discipline and holding ourselves accountable, as allies, while trying to improve the lives of those around us and the life of our future self, in a loving way, we may just have a greater impact than we could ever imagine.