3 Things Prison Taught Me About My Marriage

Seven and a half years. That's how long my hell lasted, but I deserved every minute of it. I wish I could say I was guilt-free, that the universe and an unfair judicial system had the wrong guy, that those handcuffs holding my arms back were for some other man, that one day someone was going to walk in my cell and tell me it was all some big misunderstanding.

Nope...

At eighteen I ran towards trouble like I was on fire and it was water. The biggest struggle I faced was I hated the boy I saw in the mirror, so I let everyone tell me who I should be instead of figuring out for myself. But that came to a crashing halt.

Until it happened, it felt like any other day. The sun was out and I woke up from a long night of sleep on my parent's couch. My father answered a knock at the door and was forced aside as eight armed officers stormed in hands-on holsters. They cuffed me on the couch and grilled me for almost an hour about the armed robbery we had committed a month prior.

Seven months later, in a sagging orange jumpsuit, I stood in front of a judge, hands and feet handcuffed, and received my sentence as my family cried in the seats behind me. Three months after that I was on a bus, hands and feet again cuffed, for an eight-hour drive to Oregon’s maximum-security penitentiary.

I didn’t know what to expect. Lord knows I had heard enough crazy stories to be scared witless, but even that did not prepare me for what I would find there.

Perspective...

I gained the time to reflect on my brief life. Watching the endless revolving door of drug addicts, alcoholics, gang bangers, and of course, robbers, I realized I wanted to be better.

I needed to be better.

One day I was going to go home and leave all of this behind me, and if I wanted some semblance of normal life I was going to have to change, or my legacy would be a trail of tears and disappointment.

Seven long years later I came home to my loving parents, brother, and sister-in-law. I had endless support and with my worst days behind me, I decided to leave my past there too.

But then I realized I didn't want to. Not the mistakes and the shame but the good things I had learned, the things I was proud of because they were hard lessons that made me a better person despite the source of me discovering them being a little tainted.

Five years later I meet the love of my life. She finds the best parts of me the gave me the chance to earn her heart. She is funny and laughs at most of my corny jokes. She spends hours talking with me about our dreams and the life we are building together. She calls me on my failures but also gives me the grace to grow and overcome the baggage I brought to our marriage. We have built an amazing life on the foundations of our failures and the following list is just three of the lessons I learned from prison that have helped my marriage to thrive.

First, accept responsibility. As humans, we want to shift the blame. It’s easy for us to see the faults in others because we like to compare a person to their actions while comparing ourselves to our intentions, but that usually ends in us hurting the one we should be honoring. I did the same thing for a long time. I turned myself into the victim because if in my mind I was innocent then I could stay the same person I was.

If you are at fault don’t be prideful, admit it. Take the time to understand your partner’s perspective and own up to your mistakes. Things will not always go according to plan and sometimes you will drop the ball.

That's okay. The world would be perfect without humans in it. Don't dwell on what your intention was, focus on what you did and if it fell a little short then do better next time, but let your partner in so they know you want to get better and they can support your growth.

Also, if your significant other has decided to do this please do not keep bringing it up or hold it against them. I bet if they wanted there are some things you have done that you are not too proud of. Life Is too short to keep score, and active love is forgiving and nurturing.

When you own up to your mistakes it allows you to grow. You are in the relationship you are in because you put yourself there. If it is not what you want then leave, but trust me if you are doing it because you are unwilling to invest then you are bound to repeat your mistakes again and again. The grass is not greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it. Dig deep and build something amazing, it will not always be easy, but it's so worth it!

Second, find your crew. No, we are not back in high school but if you want to have a good marriage then you need to find like-minded people that want the same thing. When in prison I decided to surround myself with men who could see past the bars and were actively planning for their lives when they got home.

Finding and surrounding yourself with people that have great marriages is vital. Asking a friend on their fifth girlfriend this month how to make things last with your spouse might not be the best choice. Your vibe will attract your tribe, and trust me on the hard days having someone else who is not a quitter around will be a tremendous blessing. You are going to face your fair share of frustration, don’t turn an ember into a house fire because the person you decided to confide in hasn’t been where you are.

Third, educate yourself in the right areas. Free time is synonymous with prison and the hours can drag by if you do not fill them. Life outside is much different and a lot busier, but the same principle rings true. The internet is an ocean of resources and information about improving your relationship. Books, websites, coaches are all available at your fingertips but you need to take the time to do a deep dive. Don’t just let the first youtube channel you find become law in your relationship. Be specific in your search and take the time to figure out where you want your relationship to go. Set a standard and stick to it while building on what you already have. There are centuries worth of information in the ether but you only need the nuggets relevant to you.

Be willing to be vulnerable with your partner about the things you want to improve. Every Sunday my wife and I sit down for a weekly meeting. We discuss the things we loved about the previous week, what we did not like, what we want to improve, and how we can help and encourage each other. For over three years these weekly conversations have become the bricks in a growing foundation and have helped us become attuned to our partner's needs and desires. We don't ever plan on stopping and I recommend the same for any person who is willing to invest the time.

But be warned and excited! It's all information, what you do with it is up to you. The key to a lasting relationship full of love, wonder, honor, and friendship could be resting in your hands; but none of it means anything if you don’t open the door. Take the information and apply it. Know your partner and work daily on becoming their best friend. Otherwise, you are putting yourself in a prison of your design, and just like I discovered, it will be entirely on you.

Every day we are given the choice to be better. Second chances in a relationship are not chances if you do not leave it to fate. Fight for the marriage or relationship you want. Never settle, never feel like just enough will do the job, never feel like you know everything about your significant other. Life is a churning ball of new experiences and challenges and if you take some time you can create something I believe will be unbreakable.

Drop the shackles and step out into the light.