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I never asked any questions, and when I did; he always found a way to water my fire, my curiosity.

If I am being honest, two plus two was never four, and though at times I caught things that did not make sense, I always trusted that he would never lie, why? Because he did not have a reason to: or so I thought.

I must have stared at my phone for at least an hour before I put it down and cried my eyes out, I screamed, I hurt, I kept repeating her name, the address, his name and all the information that I was given. Now I did not go snooping, I saw him exactly a week before and I thought everything was good, but this feeling had been bouncing inside of me since he left, this sour taste and I kept replaying the whole 3 hours, trying to find what was this need, at first I thought maybe it was the fact that I had felt disconnected, or maybe it was the fact that I felt short of what I usually feel after seeing him; it was a different feeling and it kept demanding my attention.

I had a busy week, at work with the boys, it was one of those weeks that you just need to end; after the boys left for the week, I took a shower, and I felt anxious, like if I was about to jump off a plane, I knew that something was off, so I got out the shower, and journal, as I journal I remember a question I had asked him “ what do you think of the most?” and at the moment I wasn’t sure why the question had popped in my head, so I thought of his answer; that’s when the bouncing began again. I am super intuitive, it is not the first time I am led by intuition, but it was the first time I doubted him completely; I discarded the whole thing, I’ve never been the type to cross the line of privacy, so I let it go.

I was on TikTok and I came across this post, about public records and how this person found truth in them; I am not sure what happened, but I immediately knew that I needed to get his records, all I did, was write his name and his phone number and the next thing I know the man I knew was gone.

3 years of a picture in my head, exploded in front of me, as it did, as every detail started forming reality, I felt betrayed, I felt stupid, I felt naïve, I felt played, I felt ghosted in the worst way ever, because I never even got to know the person, I thought I knew. Now I knew some details, like baby, baby moms, living arrangements and moves he made in the past, what cut me the deepest was the fact that he did not even tell me his child’s real name, yea, the name of his child. The fact that he told me he moved to another state, but his most recent address is 30 minutes away from me. Once he told me “I would move to another continent “when I asked why he would choose to move to another state if he had feelings for me.

These last three years, I’ve grown to be this woman that I admire, this woman who I’ve fought internally every time I saw him, this woman who held me, every time he left, this woman who built the divinity of womanhood within me, this woman who made me fearless to the world, this woman knew he was my kryptonite, and so she needed to burn him in order for me to finally burn my hands so badly that I wouldn’t be able to hold on anymore.

Universe is rude, Universe is gentle, Universe is perplex, Universe is deep; once you start the journey to self-rediscovery, self-love and Spirituality: darkness will come to light when you least expected, and it will hurt, it’ll leave you bruise up, fucked up, black eye, busted lip, but the fight has come to an end, and you get to walk away knowing everything you didn’t even know you needed, because it’s a slingshot. While you played a role, while life ran it course, while love kept you blind, Universe was pulling you back so when you finally looked up, you were surrounded, you were guided, you were ready to go, and so you go, you get up, fix your crown, and walk away with grace, never hate.

I slept, I cleaned my whole apartment, I went shopping, I cried, I screamed, I told my friends and finally hours later I wrote, I chose to publish because I am sure that someone out there is praying to the Universe for a specific person’s love; I know I was. So, to you, remember that the hardest moments in life are usually slingshots, remember that if they wanted to, they would, and remember that if loving them means hurting you; it is not worth it.

XOXO

Lucy