10 Things Only Insecure Women Do
Wondering why she's acting that way? If her behavior makes no sense, it's probably because only insecure women do what she's doing.
Once upon a time, I had an acquaintance we'll call Carla. Carla was not the best looking girl, and when I met her, it almost seemed that she looked up to me. She liked my edgy vibe, and while we may have had arguments, we definitely had the potential to be good friends.
Then, Carla started hanging out with a girl we'll call Pauline. Pauline was the type of girl who would probably have been Regina George in high school—and honestly, still acted like it. I hung out with them for a while.
Eventually, Carla and Pauline started to hang out solo. They'd invite all our acquaintances except for me. Unfortunately, this made me very insecure and depressed. I lashed out, because I've been bullied my entire life and I honestly don't take to it well.
Our relationships dissolved, and now both Carla and Pauline seem to take joy in pointing out how different they are from me. Carla takes jabs at whatever she can, and they just both make a show of excluding me.
Needless to say, being near them is extremely unpleasant—and they've both pretty much proved to me that they are not very nice people. That being said, it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.
Once in a while, I'll hear Pauline admit to having anger issues. Or, maybe I'll hear Carla talk about how she spends her weekends drinking alone. Then, I look at my cellphone and realize I have at least 20 people who want to hang out on any given weekend.
Truth be told, there are a lot of the things only insecure women do when they're confronted with someone who triggers their low-self esteem. It could happen to anyone—a friend, a spouse, even a sibling.
Are you wondering whether the catty girls nearby are acting out of insecurity? Worried that your wife is projecting her insecurity onto you? Here are the signs you might be dealing with someone who has a very insecure mindset, and why they do it.
They rub their plans in your face, especially when it involves letting you know you're not invited.
"A guilty dog barks the loudest." —Proverb from the American South
People who are happy with themselves don't usually talk about themselves that much. They also don't typically flaunt their wealth or friends as much as someone who feels very alone.
Most people who make a point of shouting about their success are typically overcompensating. Needless to say, someone who gets off on excluding others typically feels lonely, powerless, and unlikeable.
Does a group of girls make a point of excluding you? It may seem like that they might be having the time of their lives, but you might want to think again.
This kind of behavior still hurts me, but these days, I have to remind myself that it's not about me. The truth is, there's no real end game when it comes to the exclusion aside from feeling powerful and hurting the other person as a way to feel bigger.
The use of exclusion as a weapon is typically a female-only phenomenon. One thing Mean Girls taught me about life is that forming an "in-crowd" clique that lives on exclusion is something only insecure women do.
Sure, it'll feel bad to be excluded, but it's gotta feel worse to be so petty!
The easiest way to react is to act like it's not a big deal, then invite their friends without the "Queen Bee." The sooner she realizes you won't be a drone, the better off you'll be.
They focus on appearance to an unhealthy degree.
“I often stood in front of the mirror alone, wondering how ugly a person could get.” —Charles Bukowski, Ham on Rye
Speaking as someone who used to have an eating disorder, I can tell you that a deep focus on looks and weight tend to be indicative of a person who's insecure about their lives. More specifically, it's insecurity that deals with either control or their own personal value to others.
A confident person is someone who knows that looks aren't everything, but still takes the time to care for themselves. It's often said that you can pick out a confident woman by how well-kept her hair, face, and clothing are. This much is true, but when it's taken to an extreme, you may want to rethink the confidence aspect of it.
Women have a tendency to focus on their looks to a very extreme degree when they feel very insecure with themselves. They might obsess over makeup, do their hair on a regular basis, or just start starving themselves.
One thing I've learned is that people who become hyper superficial typically get that way because they believe that good looks are all they have to offer.
You are getting the feeling that they are mean for meanness's sake.
“It was so much easier when I didn't want anything. Not getting what you want can make you cruel.” —David Levithan, Every Day
Cruelty and insecurity go hand in hand. It's like peanut butter and jelly. People who are insecure feel like they have to eliminate threats and tear others down in order to build themselves up.
With men, insecurity usually comes through with overt aggression. That's why most people who go on shooting sprees are men who have a history of feeling insecure and rejected by others.
Women, on the other hand, are socialized to avoid direct aggression and will go to more passive-aggressive ways to be mean to others. This most frequently takes the form of harsh comments, rude behavior, and verbal abuse.
Most women will not feel comfortable getting angry to the point of fighting it out. That's why people often say that Regina George-style bullying involving subtle jabs is something only insecure women do.
They constantly beg for reassurance.
“Sometimes to reassure you, you do not have to deceive yourself in thinking to have certainties, just understand that you do not need them.” —Luigina Sgarro
Okay, I admit it, this one is me. When I get very insecure and anxious, I need to hear someone tell me it's okay. It's the only way to get me to calm down, and at times, not even that works.
I like to think that this is one of the most harmless (albeit very annoying) ways to externalize insecurity. Unfortunately, I realize it makes people second-guess themselves (and me) if it happens too often.
Once again, this is typically a more "female" reaction than male—though both genders are prone to showing this sign you feel insecure around your partner, especially if you are constantly bugging your significant other for a little reassurance.
They always act morally superior to others, and try to shame women they don't like.
"A person who has nothing left to make themselves feel better than the next person will lean on his morality—real or otherwise." —My Dad
Have you ever met a guy who had a terrible sex life, or regularly struggled to get a date? If you have, chances are very high that you may have heard him shame women who didn't date him or shame men who had dating success.
Anyone who's ever dealt with a "Nice Guy" can tell you that they very often don't follow through on their moral high ground. The truth is that they know they aren't better than the other person; they just need to feel like they somehow are leveling the playing field.
It's also worth pointing out that people who use this tactic tend to do so as a way to gain control over a certain individual or group of people. By pointing out someone else's perceived wrongdoings, they use shame to guilt people into either staying quiet or doing something that'd give them power.
Of course, this kind of behavior is also classic projection. So, if someone regularly shames you about a specific behavior, it could be that they themselves are embarrassed about the very trait that they shame you for.
No matter what the psychological reason may be, it's never a sign of confidence. A person who is secure in themselves doesn't spend time judging others over petty things. Though both men and women are guilty of this behavior, it's always a sign of insecurity.
They flirt with taken men.
“A wife who discomforts you with truth is better than a mistress who massages you with lies.” —Matshona Dhliwayo
I bet you thought cheating would be on this list, right? Cheating appears to be one of those things only insecure women do, but you would be wrong. While cheating is one of the many reasons why people cheat, that's not always the case. It can also happen because a girl just wants the relationship to end, or because she's bored.
However, being a proud side chick is almost always a sign of insecurity. Women who do this don't normally believe that they can get a man to be loyal to him, or may feel spiteful towards people who have relationships they do not believe they'll ever have.
There's a reason why they say being a knowing (and proud) side chick is something only insecure women do. It's because it's true.
They nitpick other peoples' success.
“Often those that criticise others reveal what he himself lacks.” —Shannon L. Alder
Sure, this is an "equal opportunity" behavior of insecure people, but it's still worth pointing out. People who are very insecure can't stand to see others succeeding, especially in arenas where they failed.
Hell, most of the time, they can't even stand to see people get happy or show pride. So, whenever they hear of someone's success, they will start to nitpick it or just make comments that will have the person rethink their joy.
No matter how great of an accomplishment you have, women who use this weapon will find a way to find fault with it. For example, if they find out you're getting a new job after being a stay-at-home mom, they'll say, "Oh, so you don't care about your kid enough to stay at home?"
Pauline was a fan of this. It's also the reason I'm thankful I don't talk to her anymore.
They do whatever they can to keep control over you and everyone around them.
“True love is built on free will and free choice, not control and manipulation.” —Ken Poirot
Did you ever wonder why certain people seem to need to control every little detail around them? It's not because they love the people around them. Controlling behavior isn't loving; it's obsession.
It's because they are often insecure about their position in life—and that they're worried that the people they're controlling will hurt them, abandon them, or betray them if left to their own devices.
If you're dating a girl who needs to know where you are at all times, then you might want to take a step back. This is something only insecure women do in relationships, and it's a behavior that's unhealthy enough to turn into abuse.
They have a "chameleon" personality.
“Those who follow the crowd usually get lost in it.” —Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life: What on Earth Am I Here for?
Sure, everyone's personality changes a little bit depending on who they're talking to. I mean, you won't talk to your mother the same way you talk to your wild child sorority sister, right? A little tactful personality change is nothing to be worried about—but going "full chameleon" is.
Chameleon personalities are ones that change drastically depending on who they are trying to impress. From what I've seen, this tends to be a "mostly girl" type of behavior that's usually seen in relationships.
A "chameleon" girl will be the one who drops all her hobbies the moment that she dates a new guy who finds her hobbies to be lame. She may also stop talking to her old friends based on what her new friends may think of them.
People who do this tend to believe that the person they really are isn't good enough to be liked by others. So, rather than stay alone, they indulge their insecurities and change everything they are to please others.
They're contrarian just so that they can disagree with you.
“We can disagree with one another without being raging, judgmental, spiteful, self-righteous lunatics. Can’t we?" —Scott Stabile
Ah yes, contrarians. Also known as people who disagree, just so that they can tell you that you're wrong. They are really annoying, and also really sad people.
At first glance, this seems like a sign of a difficult personality. But, look closer and you'll see that this is a power play. They're doing this as a way to show they have power over you—and sadly, it often works with people pleasers.
Speaking from personal experience, this is something only insecure women do to other girls. I'll never understand why they need to feel so powerful, but hey—bullies never change.