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10 Reasons You’re An Absolute C**T

If you’re easily offended, then that’s on you.

By Gary RagnarssonPublished 4 months ago Updated 4 months ago 4 min read
Top Story - June 2023
10 Reasons You’re An Absolute C**T
Photo by Pablo Vallejo on Unsplash

Love it or hate it, the world’s most divisive word is here to stay, and as a superior southerner, I use it often. But that’s okay, because it only sounds right when we say it.

When a northerner says it, it sounds disgusting. When it slips from the lips of an American, it is particularly annoying—like a suburban white teenager with cornrows—the outright appropriation is laughable, and impossible to determine the why.

For convenience now I’m going to drop the censoring asterisks, so if you don’t like the word, you can go ahead and fuck off knowing that you are a grade-A absolute cunt. Congratulations, you’re top of the class.

First up, this is not an expansive list of all the reasons you’re an absolute cunt—on that matter I’m sure. There’s likely hundreds more reasons to find your existence despicable, but these are just the first ten that popped into my head.

You still here?

Before we dive in, It’s important to consider how the word can and can’t be used, so you understand the relevance of being an ABSOLUTE cunt. First and most importantly, cunt as a reference to a ladies genitalia is among the worst of all sins. Just don’t do it.

You can either be a funny cunt (genuinely hilarious) or be a funny cunt (acting awkwardly and standoffish.) You can either be such a cunt (a total arse-hole) or such a cunt (endearing and kind.)

You can be an annoying cunt and a noisy cunt, like the fly stuck in the sticky-trap above me right now, stubbornly refusing to die.

But this post is specifically about ‘absolute cunts,’ which basically relates to anybody that does anything that the speaker would not do, or takes offence to, themselves.

Example: “He wears one of those stupid lycra bodysuits and cycles round the town for hours… what an absolute cunt!”

With all that out the way, let’s dive in to the ten reasons you’re an absolute cunt!

1: You Use The Word ‘Brunch’

I’m all for progression and all that, but BRUNCH!? Really? The idea that somebody decided to name the period of time between breakfast and lunch is one thing, but for society to then turn it into some strange, hipster, fad is another.

If you really wanna drink mimosas before midday, just fucking do it for Christ's sake. You’re a grown-up. You don’t need some made-up period of the day to justify your questionable decisions.

2: You Put The Milk In First

There aren’t many things sacred to me—believe that—but a cup of tea is one of them. And you’d think it simple, right?

But no, you cunts thinks it’s acceptable to get all trigger happy with the milk and just pour it into the cup with a dry teabag! What even is that?

It’s not hard people: teabag, boiling water, brew, stir, add milk, strain, remove tea bag, sugar, stir. Get this down and you’re at least 10% less of a cunt.

3: You Put Tomato Sauce On A Bacon Sandwich

For all the reasons listed in my Top Story below, if you do this, you’re an absolute cunt. No excuse, no exceptions, just grow up.

4: You’re A Vegetarian

I don’t support your personal decisions, and sometimes, that’s enough. Animals are dying every day, poor bastards, and the only purpose for their birth and death is to sustain a population. Do you know how many of those sacrificial lambs (forgive the pun) go to waste because of vegetarians? Me neither, but you’re still a cunt! Imagine a life without burgers…

5: You Unironically Enjoy The Fifty Shades Series

You wanna read fiction, try Dickens. You wanna watch porn, try Riley Reid. Not all books were created equal. Let’s leave it at that.

6: You Own An Xbox

Xbox wanker, just incase you’re terrible at catchphrase

You know it’s PlayStation, you’ve known it all along… you’re just a cunt on purpose. Stop banging on about Gears Of War, it was 20 years ago. You have nothing left but shame.

7: You Don’t Have An IPhone

I’m hardly a tech wiz, but it’s pretty clear there are only two types of phones in the world. iPhones, and CuntPhones. Don’t be a cunt.

8: You’re An Adult That Chooses Dairylea Over Philadelphia

Mate, just grow up. Who the fuck wants Dairylea on their bullshit, overpriced, ‘brunch’ toastie from Costa?

9: You Order Your Steak Well-done

This photographer is an absolute cunt!

The poor cow is already dead, don’t shit on its grave. 🐄🪦 you might as well eat Mike Tyson’s penis, because that’s some tough, disregarded, meat past it’s time as well.

10: You Don’t Follow Me On Vocal

Or at my favourite haunt: Facebook. If you like spectacular wisdom such as this, you owe to it yourself to head over there and follow me. Click like on a few things if you want, and even comment if you dare. Go on, don’t be a cunt.

Read Part 2 Now!

humanitysatirepop culturehumorCONTENT WARNING

About the Creator

Gary Ragnarsson

Deep thinker and writer from the UK. I'm sharing everything from philosophical insights to my most intimate, personal stories. From lifestyle hacks to opinion pieces, fiction and more.

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Comments (32)

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  • Kamarul Rusydi2 months ago

    Your points are incredibly accurate and insightful!

  • unknown person3 months ago

  • Shelley Carroll4 months ago

    I’ve never liked that word, but I laughed out loud as I read this. Brilliant!

  • Jeffrey A. Sapp 4 months ago

    Love it you cunt

  • Brenton F4 months ago

    I'm still grinning from ear to ear. Asterisks will always ruin a good fucking swear! I ticked three of your boxes but I knew I was before your amusing article. I'm just gonna leave this here...besides I might be a cunt but I'm not a fucking cunt! 😁

  • Macarena Bastías4 months ago

    Not an US citizen here, but I live in the same continent, America. I have to agree with #4, definitely. But leaving your meat medium-rare or worse, wth? I like my intestines without tenants, thank you very much.

  • Karen Mengel 4 months ago


  • Real Poetic4 months ago

    😭🤣 This is so funny. I’m guilty of having an Xbox and iPhone but I do NOT eat my steak well done.

  • Mohammed Darasi4 months ago

    This was hilarious 🤣🤣🤣🤣.. I don't use the word but like you, whenever I hear it from an American, it just come out so harsh and offensive! Do people actually do #2? That's just wired 🤣.. I 100% agree with #6 (PlayStation all the way).. looks like #7 makes me a cunt (I hate the iPhone and apple in general).. for #9 I only ordered steak once before and I thought "well done" was how it was supposed to be.. most chewy and tasteless mistake I made 😅 #10 no longer applies to me. I look forward to more profound wisdom from you sir!

  • Melissa Ingoldsby4 months ago

    You’re a clever cunt, I will give you that. 😁😁😁 But I am too, just a bit more tricky 😅😅

  • Loryne Andawey4 months ago

    Absolute cunt here (having ticked off #1, #7 and #10 - the last of which being the only one I'll rectify 😝) his made me laugh, especially #9. Congratulations on your Top Story!

  • Astraldreamer4 months ago

    🤣🤣🤣 this made me laugh do much, i love it and im certainly a c**t for a few of your reasons listed lol

  • Heather Lunsford4 months ago

    Thanks for putting a smile on my face. I ticked a few of those boxes. And i agree 100% there are expressions you Brits use perfectly that we should just leave alone on this side of the pond.

  • Kelly Robertson4 months ago

    Ha not gonna lie, that word has always made me squirm, but nothing a little exposure therapy won't help with right? Definitely made me giggle a few times. I'll happily avoid #10 and subscribe 😉

  • A. Lenae4 months ago

    Haha! I had to double-check your profile, because I read this in a voice from the UK, as somehow 'cunt' has an off-putting smell to it when said with an American accent. Maybe that's just me? That being said, I definitely qualify as a cunt. And I loved reading this and love that it's a top story! Congrats!

  • Dana Crandell4 months ago

    Oh, look! You got a nice banner, too! Congratulations on that and Top Story! Oh, and by "bacon sandwich" I'm assuming you mean "BLT" though I couldn't agree more about the sacrilege of tomato sauce on it.

  • Hessam Shaikh4 months ago

    Nice work!

  • Gina C.4 months ago

    Congratulations on Top Story! ☺️

  • Gal Mux4 months ago

    Well no 7. I'm clearly a cunt haha 😂😭

  • Congratulations on your well-deserved but sweary top story. A lot to digest in here but great fun

  • Phil Flannery4 months ago

    Brunch, Meh. What's a bacon sandwich? Where's the egg? Egg and bacon roll with either tomato or barbecue sauce. You got the tea and the steak right. Vegetarians are alright, but vegans are a step too far from meat. Iphone is a con. And sorry, I can't follow you on Vocal, my mum won't let me because you swear too much.

  • Paul Stewart4 months ago

    Haaaaaaaaaah Top Story baby! Congrats!

  • Mariann Carroll4 months ago

    Someone is on a tirade humor . Lol 😂 When you get a little bit older you understand why some people become vegetarian. I like to eat chips for breakfast, don’t tell any body. I held my hands up , the well done beef, guilty as charge .💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽💃🏽

  • Judey Kalchik 4 months ago

    so I read it, because you seem like a nice guy and we don't know each other. I did finish a bit twitchy, though, since this is a word that I just won't say. But fuck it all- I read the whole article and left you a heart. So.

  • If you write this you’re an absolute cunt😂 when I first read you were a southerner I thought Alabama or Florida I know what an American Cunt. I love low brow humor this was good and I say to hell with content warnings read at your own risk ya wanker

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