The Sad Sucker

One lick two licks three licks four...

The Sad Sucker

"One lick two licks three licks four, once more around the head and then no more. Greedy meany tiny tot the sixth lick you'll be. If Sad Sucker bites you back with his sticky teeth."

...is what the label said on the back of the sucker. Aunt J. had gotten the sucker from a very old candy shop she had visited during her last trip to Europe. The sales clerk had told her it was a very special sucker, made from a recipe that had been passed down through her family for five generations, and would bring luck, wealth, and happiness to whomever it was given, as long as the recipient heeded the directions on the back. Not being superstitious but a rather a lover of all-things-macabre, Aunt J. dismissed the clerk's warning as mere folklore. However, this was no ordinary candy shop, but one that had been infused with five generations of the sad, bitter tears and broken dreams of the Von Rotten family. A coven of dark evil, who specialized in presenting themselves by way of glamour and magic, as sweet, innocent, and beautiful.

This story begins in a small town in the middle of Kulm, North Dakota, population 334. Ted's parents, Friendly and Bluella—a.k.a., "Blu" Skies—were, to put it nicely, simple people. Ted's mother Blu would often say, "Ted in this life, you better use your head for more than a hat rack."—Words her mother had told her, and words she unfortunately hadn't lived by. Sadly, her hat rack was missing a few pegs, but bless her she meant well, and fortunately she found a love and intelligence equal to hers, in Friendly Skies.

Friendly busted in through the door with a huge box, and dropped it on the dining room table. "MAIL CALL!" he shouted, and next came the sound of feet scurrying frantically down the long staircase. "Did it arrive? Is it here?" yelled Ted as he flew into the dining room. His dad stepped to the side to reveal the huge box addressed to Teddy Friendly. "OH BOY!!" he yelled "Yep, from the delectably demented Aunt J!" exclaimed Ted's dad.

Ted tore at the box like a wild bobcat, ripping it open to reveal a host of odd items that included:

One box of human teeth jewelry, a molar ring, and a necklace "guaranteed to infuse the wearer with the voice of anyone they choose."

One mouse skeleton mounted on a wood that "comes to life and will do your bidding when held in the light of a full moon."

A jar of floating eyeballs in gelatinous goo that "enables one to see anyone's past and future"

Six stink bombs "guaranteed to knock out at least 60 people."

One 100-count box of Wake the Dead the jelly beans: "just add water, 20 dead revivals per bean."

Two books called Spells and Incantations for Young Warlocks Vol 1 & 2, and last but not least, the Sad Sucker—all with a small card attached:

"One lick two licks three licks four, once more around the head and then no more. Greedy meany tiny tot the sixth lick you'll be. If Sad Sucker bites you back with his sticky teeth."

"I see my sister's morbid sense of humor hasn't changed," barked Blu as she walked in from the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. "Who on earth would buy such things for a 10 year old?" She looked into the box. "I swear that woman's dingy was set adrift years ago, and has yet to return," she stated as she picked up the note left in the box, and read it aloud...

"My little love, oh, how I have missed spending time with you. I hope to visit you soon. Until then, please enjoy and make use of the gifts until my return next Halloween. Be sure to follow all instructions to the letter.

With morbid curiosity,

Aunt J."

fiction
Timothy Mudbone Tucker
Timothy Mudbone Tucker
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