Reap

I turned my attention from the crowds to my brother. Just like all the others his eyes were awash with excitement as he too in the stands and crowds of dancers. He plucked two sticks of some grilled meat from a vendor with a smile and handed one over to me. I bit into it hesitantly, shocked by how flavorful the first bite was. I devoured it quickly, which brought laughter spilling from my brother’s lips. Being dead was not what I had expected or theorized. Everyone seemed so happy, unhindered by the reality that they all were dead. The anger that I felt earlier when I tried to hold onto those shreds of darkness and my worldly life flared through my body again. I gripped hard on the stick I was still holding in my hand, snapping it in half. Nobody seemed to notice or if they did they were just as unbothered by my anger as their current predicament. Even Shaun walked ahead of me, his step light as he led me out of the festival area and down a much quieter side street.

The silence that on a normal day would seem suffocating was welcome. I was finally able to focus on my thoughts. A memory of headlights and a wet road flickered like a dying lightbulb in my mind. I struggled against the fog that washed through my mind. The more I struggled the thicker the fog swirled. With one final effort the memory came bursting into my memory like a buoy pushed down then freed by a wave. I had died in a car accident. It felt like only an hour ago, but I was not sure how timed worked now.

Before the accident I had been on my way home from class. I focused harder and remembered the wet road. It had been raining all day, and like every day that it rained I was extra cautious. I was always cautious, trying to account for every possibility. I failed. By the time I saw the bright yellow headlights coming up the ramp towards me it was too late. They say that when you’re in a car accident time slows. It was the opposite for me. Time sped up.

Headlights.

Shattering glass.

A burn across my chest from the seatbelt, or maybe from the scream that ripped from my chest.

The pavement coming up to meet me.

The shrill shriek of metal giving way.

Darkness.

A woman’s voice calling out, choked with tears.

Darkness.

Wetness on my face. Tears? Blood?

Darkness.

Darkness.

I must have stumbled, because the next thing I felt was Shaun’s arms wrapped around my shoulders.

“This way Noel. She’s waiting for you.” Shaun smiled, ushering me into a doorway as he held it open.

My mind still raced with the memories of the crash. New pieces fell into place the longer I focused, but each piece felt like a burn across my skin. Despite the pain I tried to remember more, focusing on the phantom burn of electricity through my chest, the pump of hands giving me CPR, the ghost of attempted breaths to revive me that poured into lungs forever frozen in exhale.

“My sweet Noel,” a soft voice, like wind chimes on a spring day caressed my ears, sending the memories back into the dense fog.

Standing in front of me in the middle of the living room was my mother. I had never known this version of my mother, and the only recollection of the figure before me came from faded pictures heavy with creases in my father's wallet.

"Mom?"

Even as the words left my mouth I moved across the small space sinking into her open arms. Tears rolled unhindered down my cheeks for the first time since the morning my father had awoken to her cold body in his arms. As I indulged in the soft press of her fingers in my hair, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking of the morning of her funeral.

***

Sunlight filtered through the half-drawn curtains of my childhood bedroom. I blinked against the light, forgetting for a moment why I was there. A dagger of light cut across the room settling on the black dress draped across the back of the chair in front of my desk. I swallowed past the sob that attempted to bubble up. Now was not the time for tears. Tears were reserved and hoarded for the silence of my darkened bedroom. I could hear my father making his way down the hallway towards my room.

We hadn’t talked much since that morning. Echoes of the conversation played in my head. The memories sent a pang of guilt to my heart. My fingers clenched in a fist for a moment, before I let a slow breath go through my teeth. A soft knock on the door stopped my musings. I fixed my hair in the mirror and opened the door to my father. His face was turned towards the floor and his knuckles were raised to knock again.

“I’ll be down in a minute,” I nodded softly.

He nodded and adjusted the deep purple tie around his neck before shuffling down the hallway. I moved to step back into the doorway, but paused when my father stopped to trace along a picture on the wall. He pressed a kiss to the frame then made his way down the stairs. After I changed I stopped just at the same picture that my father had earlier. The photo was from a long time ago before Shaun got sick. We were all smiling and wearing matching flannel shirts. None of us had wanted to take the pictures but my mother always said that one day we would want them. As I stared at the picture now I knew she was right. It was nice to remember the happier times, but a cloud of anger hung low over those moments. I pressed a kiss to the frame of the picture just like my dad had and went downstairs.

***

“Oh Noel, I hate to see you here before your father,” my mother sighed.

“Yeah, maybe it would have been better if all of us died together,” I snapped back.

“Noel…”

“No. I had a life mom. I had Cal. I was about to graduate and now what? Nothing. I’ll never finish my work. Dad is all alone, and I died because of some weird idea of fate.”

“Not fate. All of us have free will. Even the person that was responsible for your death.”

“What about my free will? I spent my entire life being careful and in the end it didn’t matter.”

“Everyone dies eventually Noel.” My mother patted my shoulder, “we don’t get to choose.”

“I spent the last two years of my life studying death, it’s a shadow always looming over our life. There’s no formula, just random happenings that eventually lead to your end. How is that fair?”

“Noel…”

“How is it fair that Shaun only lived seven years and happened to get a terminal disease?” I turned to Shaun, my eyes filled with tears, “doesn’t that make you angry?”

Shaun stared at me for a moment, and for a second I could have sworn there was a glimmer of some past anger in his gaze. However, it faded before he could hold onto the memory. Instead, a smirk broke out across his face, and he made his way across the room. He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and laughed. I frowned, confused by the sudden change in Shaun’s demeanor. Just as quickly my mother’s eyes lit up as well and she nodded in understanding.

“It’s okay, Noel. It will all make sense once you have seen your truth,” she said, continuing to nod slightly.

“My truth?” I frowned, the vestiges of anger still rippled down my arms.

My mother simply nodded and pointed toward a door at the far end of the room. A soft glow emitted from the bottom of the doorway, and a dim flicker of a television shown from the other side. I felt drawn to the door. An eagerness I couldn’t explain took hold of me and in the next blink I was outside the door. I glanced back at my mother and brother; both of them nodded as I opened the door and stepped inside.

On the other side of the door was a single chair and a television. The only thing on the screen was a steady flicker of static fading in and out like a pulse. The leather chair crinkled underneath me as I sat down. Seconds later the screen stopped pulsing and a steady white light filled the screen. It faded and colors began to flicker and morph in to a picture. A gasp flew from my lips as a video began to play of my seventh birthday. I closed my eyes, tears prickled at the edges of my vision, but stopped when laughter filled the deafening silence around me. On screen I beamed from ear to ear as my family sung to me. My mother was sitting next to me with a four-year-old, annoying Shaun in her lap. My father sat on the other side shaking a noise maker and laughing. Once the song finished I inhaled to blow out the candles, but Shaun blew them out instead. Everyone froze for a moment waiting to see how I would react, but instead of getting angry I grabbed a handful of cake and shoved it in Shaun’s face. Shaun squealed with laughter and licked icing from his lips. I grabbed another handful and began eating it myself. Tears streamed down my face as the scene faded and another one took its place. They began to flash in rapid succession, all of the best moments from my life.

Winning the state spelling bee.

Stargazing in the backyard with Shaun.

My softball team winning state.

Meeting Cal in my Psychology 1101 class freshman year.

Kissing Cal for the first time in the middle of a laser tag game.

Graduating with my bachelor’s degree.

Interning in London over the summer.

Moment after moment played, each one full of happiness and joyful laughter. The final scene was from a week before my death. I was standing in front of the board, pitching my proposal for my graduate thesis. The room was silent except for the rustle of the paper under my hand as I waited for their answer.

“We have approved your proposal, we look forward to hearing the full argument next week,” my professor said.

I nodded and walked out of the room, but just outside the door I leapt into Cal’s waiting arms. Laughter spilled from my lips as he kissed me, before setting me down on my feet.

“I’m so proud of you.” Cal smiled.

The screen faded back to the pulsing static from before, and I couldn’t help the smile that crept onto my face. I had become so obsessed with the bad parts of my life that I hadn’t really taken the time to focus on the good. I waited for the screen to come back up, to show me the bad parts too, after all that was part of living right? I waited…and waited but nothing showed on the screen again. The anger rushed back, starting at the curl of my fingertips, racing up my spine and to my furrowed brow. I felt the pull of the screen again as the scenes from earlier began to play again. This time though I focused on my anger, the sadness I felt trying to bubble up. With a flash the scene changed to when I was seven and my best friend was hit by a car as we were riding out bikes. The same way the good memories had flashed before, the sad ones rolled in one by one: funerals, regrets, disappointments, failures. They played in quick succession until the final scene filled the screen.

I slid inside my car, my wet clothes immediately soaking the cloth seats. The chime of a new text message from my father pinged in the cacophony of sounds from the raging storm outside.

Dad: I miss you Noel. Give your old man a call sometime. Love you kiddo.

I rolled my eyes at how sentimental my dad was sometimes. We always met up every other Sunday for dinner. My studies had taken over my life and since I was so close to graduating I had even less time. I began to type a response, but realized that it was almost time for me to meet up with Cal for the first date night we were able to have in ages. I locked the phone, the message unsent in the draft section as I pulled out of the parking lot and headed towards the interstate.

The screen faded once again, except this time it faded to black and television clicked off. I was left alone in the darkness, my sobs the only sound that filled the quiet place. Visions of my father raced into my mind. His eyes that always shone so brightly no matter the situation. The smile that illuminated his face whenever I walked into the restaurant on Sundays. The message that I had left unsent.

Me: I’ll see you Sunday dad. I lo

Four seconds is all it would have taken to finish the message and hit send. Four seconds for my father to be left with a lasting memory of how much his daughter loved him. Four seconds…the time it took for the wrong way driver’s car to veer into mine. Four seconds that ended my life and created my biggest regret.

I laid on the floor in the darkness, the cool press of the wood against my cheek calmed my racing thoughts and heart. It was over now and there was nothing I could do.

A steady knock at the door pulled me out of sleep. The room around me was still pitch black as I struggled to find the door again. Groggily I grasped in the darkness for the doorknob until my fingers closed around cold metal. I stood and pulled open the door to find my brother mid knock on the other side.

“Morning, sis. It’s time for the ceremony,” he said, taking my hand and leading me into the living room.