Night of the Living Cutie-Pies

Author's note: I grabbed these off-the-cuff candid photos at a public party in Venus Fort, Tokyo in October 2012.

We all know how the movie goes. In the event of the zombie apocalypse, the first thing you do is l̶o̶o̶t̶ ̶a̶ ̶l̶o̶t̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶c̶o̶o̶l̶ ̶s̶t̶u̶f̶f̶ head out to the mall to pick up some supplies. A secluded mall, far out of town, big and overbuilt, with everything you need, is just the ticket.

Did somebody say, Dawn of the Dead?

Shh. They'll hear you.

Anyhoo. That cool idea I had to go way, way, way out past the skyscrapers and into one of the better equipped ’burbs? Seems like a lot of people had that idea.

For pity's sake. I thought more of you had seen Shaun of the Dead by this time of century. Don't you know you're supposed to go to the pub and get no farther than the next pint? Thus leaving all the cool designer stuff for yours truly?

I don't care what you heard the Emergency Broadcasting System guy say. Because I distinctly heard him say absolutely no-- as in zero-- zombies would be admitted to the emergency shelters.

This would include zombie dogs.

Oh, you think I don't see what you folks are trying to get away with? I'm from Louisiana, ya'll. I was smuggling pets to safety back when you thought Katrina was the name of that chick from down the street.

It's the glowing eyes that give your game away. Next time, maybe add some dark glasses to your doggie disguise.

You know something else?

The zombie apocalypse is about nothing if it's not about the eternal conflict between good and evil-- and also about how quickly good can be transformed into evil. A good bitey bite isn't always needed. Sometimes, all it takes is somebody snapping under the pressure of everybody trying to jump the line.

Speaking of which...

What do you mean, I'm not on the list? This is a press pass, pal. I'm reporting on this event. You have to let me in first. And there'd better be some frosty drinks on the other side. I'm just saying.

Hmpf. Well, all right. But I'm not waiting my turn because you said. I'm waiting strictly because I'm a good human being. And totally not a line-jumping jerk like some of these other guys.

You think maybe we're expected to bribe the bouncer? Because I'm beginning to have my doubts about this whole situation.

Some of the critters who are getting in? They're totally zombie dogs. Guaranteed. It's as plain as the nose on your face.

They've almost got to be paying somebody off.

Take a look at her. She calls herself one of the living? That's pretty rich when she's got stale black blood dripping down her face. If she's not a zombie, I'll eat my camera. And her little dogs have already been turned too. Their sinister black outfits and their even more sinister black carriage are your first clues they're not Team White Hat.

Seriously. It isn't just me trying to start something. That lady is maybe ten seconds away from chomping those fangs into the white-carriage pups ahead of her in line.

And she's only one of the obvious zombies hanging around trying to get in.

That guy over there is a freaking skeleton. If that doesn't prove he's undead, what does?

Me? What do you expect me to do about it?

I saw something, and I said something. That doesn't mean I'm going to do something. Let somebody else confront the obvious zombie horde.

Somebody's who getting paid.

I'll tell you one thing. If these bouncers spent less time chasing off legit journalists and more time putting stakes in the hearts of the undead, we'd all have a better chance of surviving this apocalypse for another day.

Finally! We made it inside. Whew. I don't mind saying I was starting to sweat. Maybe we can kick back and find those frosty drinks.

Wait. What the...

Something is going badly wrong. People are falling down like London Bridge during the Black Plague.

Crikey. Well, we all know what this is. The zombies are inside the mall.

I repeat, the zombies have breached the mall.

I know I said there were zombies in the queue, but I didn't seriously think the authorities would let them into the freakin' mall. Are you believing this right now? Why bother to have a queue if you're gonna let just anybody stroll inside?

People are dropping like flies all around us.

Whoa. Look over there. I'm seeing only one survivor in that area, some kind of loyal-type dog that's going to sit and wait for his master until the bitter end.

A fat lot of good that's gonna do the rest of us.

Next apocalypse, I'm totally joining Shaun at the pub.

***

If you like pet humor, you might like this one starring my fiftysomething Yellow-Crowned Amazon parrot. Enjoy travel-inspired animal humor? Here's one starring a Lesser Kestrel I met in Spain. Don't forget to gently tap that <3 on the way out. I also accept tips.