It’s Nothing Personal

“It’s nothing personal — purely a business decision.” Dante Diavolo paused to observe Robert’s reaction. Though mild-mannered, Robert Decker was a big man at six foot three and 240 lbs. “Bob, I do appreciate the many years you have served the company.”

Robert Decker placed his head in his large hands, “Mr. Diavolo, I am only a few years away from retiring. At my age, where will I get a job like this one?”

Robert shook his head, “I should have seen this coming. From the day Mr. Diavolo announced the acquisition, the new management has cut positions left and right. I had hoped to hang on a little longer.”

Dante reached into his desk drawer, pulled out a dark envelope then placed it on his desk. Printed in bright red letters on a label, Robert read his name and employee number, 1010011010. “Binary? I hope new management included a severance package for all my years of service.”

Dante continued, “The bottom line increase margins. The new owners intend to cut this plant’s production by half and send the work south.”

Robert looked up from the envelope, “If I may ask, why did you sell after all these years?”

Dante tapped his fingers on the desk before responding, “I regret selling. One of my forefathers, Ignatio Diavolo, began Penwell Extraculators during the Reformation. The Pope personally commissioned him. The Middle ages were our heyday.”

A frown formed on Dante’s face. “Because of those damnable hippies and their love, love, love — humanity went soft. With changing attitudes worldwide, sales continue to decline. ”

Robert threw his hands in the air, “Decline! Mr. Divolo, since 2016, the profits have soared. Why sell now?” He brought his palms together as if praying, “I will take a pay cut.”

Dante shook his head, “I am sorry. The decision is out of my hands. Corporate mandated who and how many terminations. Because of our personal history, I felt it best to come from me than some corporate schmo.”

Robert looked down at his name on the folder, “I don’t even know who owns Penwell Extraculators now. Or, who decided to terminate me.”

Dante leaned forward, “The new owners approached me out of the blue. At first, I found them sketchy. But after a thorough investigation, I found their offer too good to let pass. Schlachten Toys bought Penwell Extraculators. Schlachten Toys began manufacturing in Germany during the 1930s. At the close of World War Two, the company abruptly moved to South America. I misunderstood their intentions. I thought they would continue to manufacture Penwell Extraculators here. I didn’t know they would move most of the business.

Robert scratched his head. “After all the years I have worked here, I still don’t know what a Penwell Extraculator does. You have always kept the final assembly and sales top secret. I assumed it had some Military application. What is this contraption used for anyway?”

Dante leaned back in his chair, placing his hands behind his head. “Have you ever wondered how Dante Alighieri escaped the inferno?

Robert replied, “You mean Dante’s Inferno — Hell?”

Diavolo’s eyes grew wide with excitement, “Yes, yes, but ignore that lame poem. What I am about to tell you you must take to the grave. The truth-during his journey through hell, Dante conceived of the Penwell Extraculator. After presenting the idea to the Devil, the Devil liked the idea so much he agreed to let him go.”

“Mr. Diavolo, This story sounds a little far fetched.”

“Robert, please let me finish. The building plans ended up in the Vatican Archives. Ignatio Diavolo, a curator in the archives, stumbled upon the plans. The Church of England had seceded from the Holy Roman Church. The flames of Reformation were burning bright across Europe. Ignatio presented the plans to the Holy See. The Vatican commissioned him to leave the priesthood and begin building in Turin.”

“Mr. Diavolo, you still haven’t explained its purpose.”

A devilish grin formed on Dante’s face, “The device pulls out the fingernails or toenails then re-inserts them. Because of the speed of the extraction/ insertion. The process is repeatable indefinitely.”

Robert’s mouth hung open wide. “We build torture devices? Tell me this isn’t a sick joke?”

Dante laughed then picked up the envelope. “Take this to HR. Under no circumstances, open it. In this letter, the new management gives explicit instructions. The New HR Manager, Lilith Crow, will know how to execute your termination.

Dante watched the door close behind Robert then picked up the phone. “Robert Decker is coming your way. I am fond of him. Please terminate him quickly and painlessly.”