Don't Panic

Sean

There she is, as beautiful as ever but not quite…present? I don’t know. I have been worried that she’s been taking drugs or something but that is so not like her. I shoot a two fingered salute and wink in her direction which normally makes her smile. This time, I’m met with an expression that I can’t quite recognise and a sideways glance as she makes her way over to me. She slithers her way around the crowd as if tying to make herself blend into the walls.

“Hey Abs, you look ravishing as always.”

“Uh-hey. Thanks.” I feel like she is trying to look at everything in this room except my face. Is she sweating? Maybe I’m being paranoid.

“And what will the lady have to drink?”

“Just a coke.” A weak half smile attempts to lift a corner of her mouth.

“Your wish is my command.” I spin to face the bar with a half bow in Abby’s direction. On my way over I pull out my phone. “Dude, shes bein v weird again.”

“Weirder than normal? Rough.”

“im being serious. Dunno whats up. V weird.”

I look up and the barman is looking at me with an expectant expression. I order a cider and a coke and allow my gaze to drift back to Abby as I lean my side against the bar. Her eyes are fixed in her lap and she is rubbing her hands together like she is washing them thoroughly.

“Here ya go, buddy.” I flash my debit card and slap it down onto the reader. Before I grab the tray with our drinks I check my phone again “I mean, would it be so crazy for her to be on drugs? I know you don’t want to believe it dude but she could be. You need to talk to her about this.” I swipe my screen to ignore the message and pick up our drinks. I feel my chest expand with the biggest breath I have taken all day as I approach our table.

Abby

“A beverage for the lady” I glance up to see Sean flashing his best smile as he presents me with my drink. He likes to feign sophistication and it always makes me laugh. At least, it always used to. Nothing is making me laugh anymore. I force a grin and hope it looks genuine but the brief eye contact makes my skin crawl. I can’t muster any words of gratitude so a nod will have to do.

I am parched but at the same time I am sure I might vomit. I take a small sip but as the fizz slides down my throat I instantly regret my decision. I should have had a water. Oh God. I should have had a water.

I rub my hands on my trouser leg but it doesn’t relieve the clamminess that has built since I left the house. I don’t know why I leave anymore because this always happens. I feel like something is watching me. Something other than Sean. Oh God. Sean. I look up and he is already looking at me with a pained expression. I don’t need to wonder if he has noticed there is something wrong. Of course he has. Oh God. He’s noticed.

My hands begin to tingle as I rub them aggressively together. “So, what’s up lately? I mean…You good, yeah?” I look up again but this time he’s looking into his lap. Thank God. “I…yeah. I’m good.” I don’t recognise my voice as the words exit my mouth and I don’t bother to try and look at him as I can feel his gaze burning my face. If I don't look at him I can pretend that the concern in his eyes isn't my fault.

My chest begins to hurt and all I can hear is the thumping of my heartbeat in my ears. I’m sure Sean has just said something to me but I don’t know what. I should ask him to repeat himself but I can’t. Something is happening to me. Something bad.

I’m still looking at my hands and I can see the rise and fall of my chest accelerate as I struggle for breath. It feels as though something is putting its hands around my throat and trying to ring it out like a wet sponge. My vision is becoming blurry as I finally look back up at Sean. I can’t recognise his expression because I can’t really see it. Maybe that’s for the best.

I can’t breathe and my whole body feels like it is not mine anymore. This must be what it feels like to be possessed by a demon because I have no control and my body is screaming out for whatever this is to stop. I feel like I am locked in a cage deep inside myself screaming and nobody can see me. I jump to my feet as if I might run. “I need to get out of here.” I don’t know how loud I speak or if the words even come out at all but I can feel Sean at my side now. I know he is speaking but I can’t make the words out. All I can hear is the comforting yet slightly panicked tone in his voice as I feel the warmth of his body at my side.

I have to get out of here. I’m dying. That is the only explanation. I can’t breathe. I can’t feel my body. This isn’t my body anymore. “I can’t breathe.” Sean is leading me out of the door but I can’t see anything. He is almost dragging my feet across the floor and my body is becoming stiffer as my extremities tingle with almost-numbness. The temperature drops as he lowers me to the floor and I am sprawled on what I assume is the pavement outside. I am paralysed and I am dying.

“Yeah hello…I need an ambulance.” I want to yell out that I am dying and they need to hurry nut no noise comes out.

My mouth has seized up and I can’t speak, I can barely grunt. My whole body is becoming stiff as a board and I wonder if you can get rigor mortis before you die. I wonder if I am already dead. Surely death should bring some relief. Maybe this is hell. That’s it. I’m in hell. Pain and fear has taken over my whole body. Fear that this will never stop. Fear that I’m dying. Fear that I’m not dying. Fear. I try to tell Sean that I am dying but the words don’t come out. Only muffled noise comes out because my mouth and tongue won’t move. I’m dying.

???

You are dying. You might be scared now but there is nothing to fear in death, aside from eternal pain and blackness. Life is scary.

Why can’t you see that I am trying to protect you from all of the real terrors out there? I am saving your life by ending it.

Your body is mine and your mind is mine and your life is mine. You are a weak and frail little creature and you deserve this.

You did this because you are weak and the weak don’t survive in this big scary world.

You will never escape this pain and suffering. This is it for you. You better get used to it.

I will take everything you have and everything that you are.

I own you and I would destroy you but you have already done a fine job at that yourself.

You are a waste of human life.

You are a waste of breath.

You are nothing.

You are dying.

You are dying.

You are dea…

Paramedic

“Hello? What’s happened here then? I’m just going to pop these on to check your heart and things. Can you tell me your name?”

“Her name is Abby.”

“Ok, but can you tell me your name, love?”

“ooommm. Mmmmm.”

“Come on now, talk to me. Tell me your name.”

“Aobboy.”

“Great, that’s a bit better. Can you sit up for me? Excellent…How old are you Abby?”

“oi’m twonty threoo.”

“Do you live nearby?”

“Not…Not far.”

“That’s better, how are you feeling now?”

“A little, a little better. What’s wrong with me? Am I going to die?”

“I think what’s happened here is that you have suffered with a particularly bad panic attack. Not to worry. They can seem really scary but you aren’t in any real danger. Have you had a panic attack before or are you usually anxious?”

“I’ve never had a panic attack. There has to be something else. I thought I was going to die.”

“It can be quite common to feel that way during a particularly bad episode but you are safe. Keep talking to me. Talking can help the breath return to normal.”

Later

“Jesus Christ Abs, I thought…never mind what I thought. Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling?”

“I didn’t know what it was and besides, this is hardly a good outcome.”

“What do you mean?”

“If I was dying or if it was some sort of disaster or demon or some shit then at least it would be over, maybe. I feel scared all the fucking time. For no reason. If I’m anxious or crazy or whatever the hell you want to call it then there is no end. No easy way. I have to live like this and maybe recover if I work real hard. Or maybe not recover at all and be a nervous wreck for the rest of my life.”

???

Oh honey. You think anxiety is the worst option? You poor mistaken little thing. It’s funny how humans always try and find the logical explanation for something because their tiny little brains can’t comprehend the sinister truth.

I will get you, but you have a fucking lot more suffering to go through first. If you think it's bad now then you better brace yourself because I am only getting started.

If you think you know pain, you have no idea.

You’re not insane, not yet. You will be though. I will push your mind and body to its absolute limit. I will break every part of you and then I will claim the pieces as my own.

You are mine.

You will suffer.

You are dying. Slowly.

You are dying.

-

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