Creek

I promised myself it wouldn’t be more than a week.

I struggled to get myself up out of my car, the sleep is more uncomfortable each night. I reach down onto the floor before heading out into the day to find any spec of food from an old candy bar wrapper.

Time went by too fast. I pushed my car door open and the heat came in, I didn’t know it would be so humid today. I packed for a week in the woods when the snow was still melting and the grass was wet. Now, it is deadly hot and humid and I have no idea how I got here.

I stopped taking my meds a while back, I felt lost and drowsy every day. I had lost my spark, my sense of adventure, I became boring and lifeless. After flushing them all, I cried of joy, I was free from the shackles of Epival. I couldn’t be tied down to my home or family, and so I left. I cannot remember when or how, but I did.

My phone has been dead for a long time, it is almost freeing to not being connected to anyone or anything, it’s like I am God and they are chasing me, waiting to crucify me for who I am. I can control the sun today, I opened my eyes and it shined brighter, I felt sick and the clouds came and when I went to pick some berries it came back.

I think it has been months, but I cannot tell. This part of the province is quiet, I don’t know exactly where I am but it is a part of me, it is where I belong.

I wonder about my daughters each day. I talk to them through the leaves and they tell me they miss me and they know that being here is the best for me. I love them so much. I hate my husband, he constantly keeps me closed off from life’s beautiful experiences, like this one. I wouldn’t get to be me and play with nature if he was here. He doesn’t love me and never will, he always wants to take away the fun.

Yesterday, I found this creek near some pine trees and I think I will follow it today. I remember where it is, not near the bushes but somewhere past the gap in the woods. The gap where the sun shines when I tell it to. I am walking and I see everything familiar to me from the weeks or months or days I’ve been here, it’s new but old every day.

Something catches my attention and it’s a bug, but if it came to land on me then I should follow it, it’s nature’s way of telling me to trust it. I go with the bug, it’s me and the bug, the bug and I, we are on a journey. I smell the same musk smells that led me to the creek yesterday, the bug is leading with me and like I said before, the sun is shining when I tell it to shine, where I tell it to shine.

It thanks me in whispers that can be mixed with the wind, and soon I find the creek.

My knees are scratching and I don’t like where I am anymore. Fuck. I don’t know where the fuck I am. Oh my god, I don’t know where I am and there is no sun. It’s getting dark and I just want to go home.

I messed up my life, I don’t understand this and I can’t get out of here. I start running and running. I found the creek but it’s getting late and I don’t know if I can make it back to my car. Do I have gas? I don’t know how to get out of here. I need help, I need help

The creek reflects the sunset and I’m sure I can make some sense of where I have to go. The tears rolling down my face as I am walking towards the creek taste bitter and salty, the dirt on my cheeks is dry and my hands are pale. I want to go home. No, I want to be free.

Understanding why I feel this way is like taking a bullet to the chest and it not going through all the way and letting it sit there, slowly pulling it out, but the adrenaline is what keeps you going. I feel as though this life was not meant for me.

When in doubt, you analyze the best times and the worst times and you find as though the worst is always coming but the best is never guaranteed. So why bother? I found my place of rest and for that I know my purpose now. The creek is where I’m meant to be.

I dip my toe in to feel the water rushing quickly, it’s cold and I am cold.