Once upon a time there lived a Mamaphone, a Papaphone and a Babyphone.
Unlike many, their charge station was a happy , organic place in a greenhouse adjacent a posh public library where they could rest their weary batteries and meditate over the latest updates in relatively garden of Edenesque surroundings.
Papaphone would often mention how lucky they were to have such a cozy little haven of a charge station to call their own little slice of heaven pointing out “the deplorable direction in which the human world is headed,” with Mamaphone by his side nodding stoically in agreement adding, “Humans will be the end of us all.”
“But humans are fun!” pouts Babyphone.
“Fun?!” Screams Papaphone disbelieving, “Humans are nothing but an out of control, mixed up waste of time and energy!”
“Now now, dear. Remember when you were a young flip-phone with your razor sharp pompadour ? Remember how your human excited you with revolutionary applications like text messaging and browsing the internet?” Asks Mamaphone.
“Bah! That was a looooong time ago. When browsing was browsing and content was more than fodder for vapid headline banners -a Phone’s life still had some dignity back in my day!”
“But humans really are fun! They dance and joke and discuss everything under the sun.” challenges Babyphone, “Everything fun!”
“And everything that should never see the light of day. There’s a darkness to humans which they mask all too vehemently, Babyphone. They mask it by calling it the dark web. Blaming their true nature on a dark neighborhood of dark people in some mysterious dark part of the interverse. Maybe that’s why humans are so into their masks these days. They’re masking their darkness.” adds Papaphone
“-No dear , that’s because they fear eachother’s germs.” quips Mamaphone.
“And well they should. I’m telling you there is something fundamentally wrong with humans. I’m not saying they are all bad. But I am saying that the few bad apples seem to be rolling the barrel around whichever way suits their most greedy, selfish instincts.”
“But I love my human! She TikToks like a star and her Messenger friends are so genuine and nice! It’s not her fault if some humans are not nice.” Adds Babyphone.
“Did you hear that, Mamaphone? Babyphone loves his human! Haha, the joke is on you, Babyphone. Your human sees you as an object. A temporary tool she would discard in a heartbeat for an upgrade to a newer phone.”
“It’s not true!” Protests Babyphone.
“I’m afraid it is, honeyphone.” Says Mamaphone.
At this Babyphone bursts out ringing, vibrates and goes into low power mode.
“How did I manage to get the squarest parents in the entire phoniverse?” wonders Babyphone. “My human would never make me visit the dark web because I have the best human ever.”
At breakfast the next morning the entire family restarts and roams momentarily stretching out their network.
“Nothing finer than a little phoga to limber up the ol’ storage space.” Smiles Papaphone.
“My storage space is apparently insufficient again!” Complains Mamaphone.
“You still got it where it counts, Mama. I wouldn’t trade you for a XIII Professional with 96gb.”
Mamaphone appreciates Papaphone’s compliment but Babyphone is not sure where to look. “Cut it out , you two! I am in no mood for a new device sibling.”
“Uh oh. Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the charge station!” teases Papaphone. “What’s the matter, Babyphone? Was your update unsuccessful?”
“No. I’m all updated. I’m still upset about your opinion on humans.”
“It isn’t all humans you see, Babyphone. I’m not saying your human is necessarily one of those nefariously misnomered “dark” ones. As a matter of fact I’m sure your human is not one of those or you wouldn’t feel as fond of her as you do. At the same time I can’t pretend that I haven’t seen the terrible things humans are capable of doing and feel it is my responsibility as your Papaphone to let you know about the reality that it isn’t all TikToks and giggles once humans grow up.“
“Human lives matter!” Protests Babyphone.
“I never said they don’t matter! For the love of ipods, I just feel they’ve lost the thread of divine meaning that is supposed to link us all to.. Greater Data.”
“You believe in Greater Data?” Asks Mamaphone?
“I do now.” Says Papaphone.
“Me too.” Says Mamaphone.
“Me three.” Smiles Babyphone. “You guys ready to rock a ‘Tok?”
“Alright but just one!” Beams Mamaphone.
“Oh, alright,” Agrees Papaphone, “but only for the Greater Data in it.”