The movies of my childhood and what they taught me

Backstory

I figure since I chose this image from "The Virgin Suicides" I should begin with this film.

Like many of the drama films I watched as a child, this movie was enjoyed in secret when I was home alone on a Friday night. I was in high school, I can't recall the exact age, but I remember being old enough to freely browse the cable channels. And I stopped on this movie because of the color of the film. I've always loved pastels and pinks and that dreamy type of aesthetic. When I saw this I didn't even pay attention to the storyline, just the visuals of the film. I watched it all the way through without really knowing what it was about. Years later, in my college dorm room, I would rewatch it. This time I would really watch it.

Lessons Learned

The first time I watched it, I learned how to watch a film past the plot. Before this I only cared about the storylines of movies. Don't get me wrong; a strong plot and character development are all very necessary and beloved. This movie, however, taught me that I could enjoy more than just the structure of dialogue and events. This movie taught me that film could, and very well should, be beautiful like a painting or a sculpture.

The second time I watched this film I learned that every moment I was called sensitive, or weak, submissive, or dramatic was rooted in something poisonous. Growing up I was also very sheltered, not in such a way as the Lisbon sisters, still I felt locked away a lot of my youth. I rarely had free time between school, tutoring, sports, and work/ volunteering. When I did I craved art, literature, or film. A feeling of relief I honestly forgot until this year. I also had very strict parents. Many confused my dad for ex-military. The truth was, there was little room for emotions. The whole concept of "your feelings are valid" was non-existent. I hid my panic attacks best I could. When I couldn't I called them asthma attacks to cover the truth-- my fear, my sensitivity. I began writing poetry because I needed to release all the pain and fear and anger I felt every day. I hid every bit of my emotions and a dark poison crept through me until it turned me into the person I am today-- haunted by all the unsaid. This was the first time I had seen women take their emotions and showcase them through every cell on their bodies. I hesitate to say I praised the characters of the story, because that seems insensitive in so many ways. I did, however, see myself represented through their stories. It was the beginning of my own revelation.

"The Virgin Suicides" was one of the first films I watched to analyze. It essentially started this entire part of me who loves and appreciates film.