Shitty Male TV Characters You Love Because Your Dad Was a Yeller

by Brittany McSorley 4 months ago in satire

An embarrassment of riches!

Shitty Male TV Characters You Love Because Your Dad Was a Yeller

Chief Hopper, 'Stranger Things':

He's overweight, smokes like a chimney, and screams down a woman or child at least thrice a day. Yelling and confidence are the same, and you need a man who knows what he's doing in a completely unsupervised position of power. Go to my room, Jim? Not without you, you unshaven dreamboat!

Deleted scene: "WHERE IS THE CANNED TUNA I HAD IN THE CABINET? I SWEAR TO CHRIST, IF THAT TUNA IS MISSING, THIS ENTIRE DAY IS SHOT TO HELL! JESUS, MY BACK!"

Don Draper, 'Mad Men':

A quiet weirdo with a drinking and a lying problem? One hot wife, comin' right up! Being with a strong, silent type imbues everything with a fun air of mystery. You don't know for sure how he feels about anything but bourbon, and that's more than enough! Plus, he's tall. Keep up the good work, Dad—I mean, Don.

Deleted scene: *forty-five seconds of dead fucking silence at Thanksgiving dinner*

Mr. Big, 'Sex and the City':

The OG shitbag we were all hoping to lock down when we moved to an unaffordable nightmare-scape. This prize has never taken the subway, thank you very much. He's older, so he'll disappoint you in a stoic, traditional way, saving the most elaborate fuckery for an important social event just before your biannual breakup. Does he love or respect you? There's literally no way to tell, just the way you like it! If he acts out, it's probably just because of the war. You know the one!

Deleted scene: "Well, this is the first I'm hearing about you even having a birthday."

Ross Geller, 'Friends':

Girl, he is so much smarter than you! It's off the charts. Remember, your hotness is a prison of your own design, so no male friendships, plz! God, you're so dumb! His job is really demanding, and all you're ever doing is fostering friendships and planning for your future. Selfish much? He can't handle everything, lady! Just do your best. And remember, the friend zone is real, and he deserves a win. Shh. Shhhhhh.

Deleted scene: "Uh, I think we should let the person who took six AP classes choose the restaurant, babe. Who are you texting?"

Luke Danes, 'Gilmore Girls':

He hates everything, which sometimes includes you, but sometimes doesn't. Unsettling and sexy! He owns a small business, making him so self-sufficient that you're kind of, like, useless? You know? But passion is what counts, and he's got that in spades. Will he make a scene at your next family event? Only if you question why he hasn't changed his shirt in four days. Ha! Go wait in the truck, chica!

Deleted scene: "I didn't even recognize you in there. Seriously, you've changed. I feel like a crazy person! Ugh, I need some air."

Ted Mosby, 'How I Met Your Mother':

Did somebody order some romance?! Ted will not be complete until he has a wife, who could be legit anyone, so why not you? Get ready to hang out with exclusively his friends, including the woman he truly loves/will someday murder when he finally snaps. Remember, affection is meant to be dispensed only when you've earned it by adopting one of his hobbies, and can be revoked at any moment. Cheers, girl!

Deleted scene: "Babe, I am not exaggerating here. My work party is going to be the most important three hours of our entire relationship. Everything else that ever happens to us will blossom from the events that transpire at this Applebee's. And listen, I don't have time to explain why, but my boss is going to expect me to smoke cigarettes with him tonight. Get your coat."

satire
Brittany McSorley
Brittany McSorley
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Brittany McSorley

Writer. Sandwich enthusiast. Theatre geek. Binge-watcher. Oy with the poodles already.

See all posts by Brittany McSorley