I decided to intersperse this story with gifs from one of my all-time favorite movies: Miss Congeniality, because, well because I can (nah nah nee boo boo) and Vocal let's me be who I am. Okay, so let us start, shall we?
Do you ever wonder if it's only you that creates imaginary scenarios in your head; where those thoughts only sole purpose is to unnecessarily stress yourself out further? Maybe it is only me, but as we leave 2020, aka the trash bag of a year, behind, I'd like to start proactively thinking more positively in order to help my anxiety; instead letting any residual anger from years past affect myself now, or even others around me.
It could be anything. I could start thinking about my toxic ex-boss and even though I am so grateful not to be in that job any more, it still causes stress. And even with those fun, what-if scenarios where you get those meanies (yes, meanies) back, you still have that teeny-tiny voice in your head reminding you that retaliation is not the way.
I could be minding my own business, and then out of nowhere start pondering about coming face-to-face with an abusive family member that I cut out of my life. Or fantasizing about the iconic moment we all wish we could have walking cooly past an ex.
All the pent up emotions over the years start to spill out and I have countless conversations that have been engineered & executed in my head over a thousand times.
There are just some nights that I can't turn it off. I think about things that I know will stress me and they do just that. Maybe there are moments for us all that we wish we could relive. To tell that rude person off, or take back an embarrassing moment. Perhaps we as humans have the blessing and the curse to experience these moments and then re-live them over and over again - to allow our minds to imprison us by remembering the bad, even if the memories are fleeting.
So how can I purposefully...NOT do that?
- Well, I can start by being grateful for where I am today. I am living with my boyfriend of four years; and after being long distance for over two years, that is surely something to be thankful about.
- I can thank my lucky stars that I have found a job that makes me excited on a Sunday night for work the next day. Stay away 'Sunday scaries.' Yes, I did just knock on wood to be safe.
- I can cherish the hopes of welcoming a new fur baby into my life very soon. We are planning on rescuing a Boxer this year! 🤞🏼🐶
- I could commend myself for staying independent, strong and financially healthy during an insane roller coaster of a year.
- Realize that while I yearn for closure on history that still haunts me, moving forward is the only way to really heal. Because, at the end of the day, regardless of how many times I play out a what-if scenario in my head, absolutely nothing can change the past. (Unless someone knows a time-traveller I can contact? Lmk).
After just listing the above I feel silly for ever thinking of stupid, what-if scenarios in my head that has caused so much anxiety in the past. But maybe that is the point? Perhaps if I purposefully do more to help myself in these moments, like talk or write them out, then I can control my reactions to those thoughts more easily. Instead of just driving myself insane all of the time.
Me to me *jokingly*:
Here's to gliding through the headaches, and freeing myself from the imaginary, mostly self-inflicted mess.
Did I write this entire story just so I could post this gif? I mean...yes?