I'm the Black Sheep Brother in This TV Show, and I'm Here to Cause Total Havoc

Hey girl, I’m Jake, I’m new in town. I’m your favorite nice guy Brian’s older brother. I know, I am crazy good-looking, it’s hard to believe we came from the same parents!

Actually, we have different Dads - my Dad had the rock star hair and attitude that I came out of the womb sporting. Brian was always a nerd, poor sucker. Love my bro though, he would do anything for me.

I can’t help it if being a cool guy who likes to live dangerously sometimes gets me in trouble. I’m a renaissance man at heart, I play guitar!

Sure, I just got out of jail for armed robbery, but have you seen my tattoos? Oh, this six-pack? Comes with a life of casual crime, babe (wink).

I think you and I, sweet girl who my brother loves/viewer at home (I see you too girl, we all know you were just waiting for a fun guy like me to liven up this snoozefest am I right? Don’t forget to check my IMDB page. I got Hallmark Movies you wouldn’t believe!) ….now where was I.

Oh yeah — you and me, girl, we should take a ride on my motorcycle to the beach.

I could show you a fun time, not like my stick in the mud brother. Hop on, hold on tight!

What’s that you say? I drove too fast and scared the life out of you? Aw, you secretly loved it! I could feel your heart beating as you clung on tight.

This is the beach where my best friend died in a shootout/police bust/mystery drowning. I loved him like a brother, he was much cooler than my actual brother. Excuse me a minute I get emotional about it — yes, that is a tear rolling down my cheek.

I have feelings too, underneath this tough guy exterior. Does that make you forget all about my brother who supports your every wacky dream and want to kiss me instead? Cool!

So we’re in love now, it’s time for me to confess something to you, my sweet girl.

I am in a little trouble, it turns out drug dealers hold grudges and I owe a bad guy $30,000. I am trying to stay on the straight and narrow, but it’s hard when you are a wanted man.

A cowboy, wanted dead or alive, if you will.

Anyway, after our beautiful and gratuitously naked in your case lovemaking, let me ask you something. Do you love me?

Because I have never felt this way about anyone. Well, not since the last girl my brother liked. She had an unfortunate end but we don’t need to worry about that! Life is for the living, right here and now! Kiss me, my love.

You are special. I can tell that about you — even though you have lived a completely sheltered life and we have nothing in common.

My perfect love, my brother couldn’t help but let slip that your grandma has a ring worth $30,000 exactly! What are the chances? I don’t know about you, but I call that fate.

Excuse me a minute, darlin’, I just have to go in the bathroom to hide my gun/do some drugs/call a bad man to do something very dangerous. Be right back.

(knock on the door, Jake answers in a towel)

Oh hey brother. I’m sorry for my wide smile, I can’t help being happy, oh um yeah that girl you liked turns out she was crazy into me, I tried to tell her it wasn’t a good idea but she threw herself at me.

I can’t help it if every woman I meet loves me! You’ll forgive me though? I’m your big brother, we are family! Come here, bring it in for a headlock. I love you man— never forget it no matter what the future brings.

Listen bro, I got a plan. I owe this dude some money, see, and your girl can get me the money so nobody gets hurt. What’s that? It's her inheritance?

Well, we are in love, we actually got married last night! It just happened, that’s how I LIVE, to the fullest. You should take a leaf from my book. I’m sorry bro, you know I love you.

It’s insane how much chaos one guy can cause in a short amount of time I know! Hey, check out my new tattoo brother, it says Live Laugh Love Before You Die, and underneath in Sanskrit yeah I thought it would be cooler— Brothers Forever.

What’s that brother? Where is your/my girl? Um…good question.

She was here. Then I ran out of time with my drug dealer so I traded her for collateral — just until I get her grandma’s ring though, it’s cool, I was just on my way over there.

Oh, YOU want to go save her? Well isn’t that just like you, always the hero. Good luck with that. I’ll see you on the other side brother, always remember I got your back. Never forget.

Jake rides his motorcycle at a leisurely pace along the highway while Brian suddenly has on a tight t-shirt and gelled hair. He rings the drug dealer’s doorbell. “Hi I am here to pick up my — I mean, my brother’s girl”. “Here is my life savings, take it”.

Jake’s wife is grateful to Brian her former best friend and will they/won't they crush. Maybe the writers will give her a name…Shayla? Who cares!

Shayla is sobbing, she is worried she hasn’t heard anything from her true love since yesterday Jake. The radio is playing their song which is the first song they ever made love to which is also the first song they ever heard together.

Brian gets a phone call and a single solitary tear slowly rolls down his face.

Jake has died tragically in a motorcycle accident/shoot-out/shark attack. He tells Shayla and she screams at the cruelty of the world, bringing the perfect, albeit troubled man into her life only for a moment of happiness.

A montage of their brief but beautiful love comes on the screen to the unmistakable tune of their song.

Brian gives her a hug, and as she consoles herself in his arms she notices a tattoo that reads “Bros Over Hoes 4 Eva”.

She can suddenly see Brian with new eyes, he has a hint of his hotter half-brother in his gelled hair and newfound tragic glow.

She looks at him wide-eyed and a single tear rolls down her cheek. They kiss and live happily ever after. Until next week.

*This article was originally published by the author on Medium.