Roleplaying the Real Me

We spend most of our lives wrapped up in the concept of who we are supposed to be. Acting as expected, and never straying from the course. As a woman, I’m expected to sit down, and shut up. I’m supposed to be meek, and well mannered. Never raise my voice, and always say please and thank you. I’m supposed to dress nice and smell good. Never cuss or fight back. I’m supposed to fit into this mold of how women are meant to be. A mold that society has spent decades upon decades crafting.

For this mold, you must be just right. Have perfect breasts and long legs. Flawless skin and big hips. But not too thin, nor too thick. Have a glowing smile and big doe eyes. Show some skin, now cover up. Bare the children, but don’t you dare breast feed in public. Make men want you and other women want to be you.

We are constantly reminded of the mold in everything we do. Everywhere we go. The women in magazines are edited to fit the mold. Women’s clothes sizing has no rhyme or reason. It only exists to make you feel awful about yourself. Separating us into numeric categories instead of labeling the clothes based on the measurements of our bodies.

It’s exhausting. No matter how hard you try to keep the voices out, they always find a way to creep back in. They subconsciously effect how you dress, how you talk, how you act, how you feel. You grow up to realize you’ve been brainwashed with these ideals of the ‘perfect woman.’ It’s never easy to deprogram yourself from this way of thinking.

Despite knowing that the mold is both impossible to achieve and completely made up, I still struggle. I look in the mirror and I hate my pudgy stomach and cellulite covered thighs. I often find myself in situations where I want to speak up, but I don’t. The words are on my tongue, but it’s like my mouth is sewn shut. I’m in a constant battle of who I’ve been told to be and who I really am.

Somewhere along my journey on becoming the woman I want to be, I was introduced to a game called Dungeons and Dragons. My first campaign was a one-shot and I was terrified. I barely knew myself and I was expected to take on the personality and skills of a character born of my own imagination. While navigating through a world I knew nothing off. What are the rules? What can I say? What can I not say? What should my character look like, talk like and act like?

It was scary at first, but soon became exhilarating. The beauty of Dungeons and Dragons is the ability to be whoever you want to be. You’re not expected to be anything other than the character you create. There is no mold you must force yourself in to. You get to decide everything from your gender, race, and class. Your strengths and weaknesses. Your past, present and future. What you look like, what you believe and what you’re willing to fight for.

There is no precedent set that says building a character one way is better than building it another. Your character is judged based upon their skills, not their appearance. There are no societal expectations.

My first, and by far favorite, character is named Red. She is funny and fierce. Despite having made mistakes early in life, she doesn’t let that stop her from moving forward. She doesn’t hold back and isn’t afraid to speak up. She’s fearless and fights for what she believes in. There are so many things about her that I admire. Which I know sounds crazy considering I role play her, so she is technically me.

However, there are things that Red says or does that I would be terrified to say or do outside of the comfort of my campaign. When I play as Red, I get to express a part of myself that I tend to keep hidden. The part of me that wants to speak up and fight back. The part of me who doesn’t care about others’ opinions of me. The part of me who isn’t afraid all the time. When I’m not playing as Red and I’m forced to face the real world, that part of me is locked away in a drawer at the back of my mind. The part of me that comes forward is an altered version I’ve created to keep myself safe from the world.

The world sees a well-mannered, happy woman. A woman who smiles and laughs constantly. A woman who showers every day and dresses to impress. The world doesn’t get to see the strong-willed woman who fights every day to make it to the next. A woman who battles both mental and physical illnesses on the daily, but still forces herself to smile through it. A woman who gets angry, sad, and displeased.

In the world of Dungeons and Dragons, I can express myself without limitations. When I’m playing, I’m not sick, anxious, or afraid. I feel so comfortable and at peace. With each session, I begin to accept myself a little bit more. Maybe as time goes on, I can begin to show my real face to the world and not be afraid of what stares back at me.