My Past Self, The Religious One

I have been traveling this path since my inception into the Craft at the age of 16. Along the way, I have been lost, found, lost again, and found again, and have changed my path so many times. I am 31 now and will be 32 in November. My path, as it could be said, is a very twisted, crooked path. I have banished, hexed, and cursed many in my life. And in my time of need, I have sat in the darkness alone many a night crying and grieving for what I could not have in life.

In doing this, I found that being in the darkness both figuratively and literally gave me time to grow as a person and a witch on a winding, darkened path. I have found the devil laying in my way so handsome and full of light it blinded me, and Lilith to guide me on my growth. I found the Morrigan to protect me, and Cernunnos to help me with my madness. As a witch with anxiety and major depression, it was hard to stay positive. I found it much easier to put things in median lighting where nothing was all good, and nothing was all bad. It had a balance right in the middle. Everything was as I needed it to be. In the middle, neutral and sound. I found later that this had been the effect of my magic. Being in such a neutral spot put me in the right place to do some of the things I wanted with a lot of patience.

In the time it took me to realize what I was doing, I was already halfway to saving hundreds of dollars four times a month. But It was not until last year that I began doing that. Not until I had moved out of my best friend’s house and into an apartment with a friend and my daughter. And what is more, is I began making myself look at my finances and see where everything was going.

I never imagined I would have so much saved up in such a short time. But here is another thing I did as well. I have a money altar sitting in my room. I leave everything where it needs to be. It seriously motivated me to want to save money. I began collecting wheat pennies again and older coins and even have a small jar of foreign currencies.

I plan on going to so many places in the future. And being able to retire and have the time to do so many things all the time.

I have been able to pick art back up again and even learn a few things as well. It comes in handy when making your own tools and such.

I do so much research on so many subjects that I might well write a book about my research. In doing my research, I found that things on my particular path did not just show up and have no actual use. I am talking about things like numerology, herbs, and crystals, and so much more! I realized the importance of each item that I looked up to and found that they aided my goals toward my future.

I am not saying that my life is excellent. It could just be way worse than it is. Especially with how I had grown up and with how many times I had been kicked out. How many times I had been to the hospital or the doctor for a sudden onset of seizures or other illnesses. My life is far from great. I could be in a ditch somewhere dead. Sometimes I even wish I were! But there is the thing... I am not. Even with how many seizures I have had and falling and hitting my head on the floor, bathtub, or wall. It is a wonder I am not dead.

But despite all those things that have happened, I am fine. I have just so many spoons and can do only so much before I begin to fall asleep because my body is trying so hard to keep up, but I am fine. I am a very strong-willed human being with the ferocity of 300 Spartan warriors.

I have the Morrigan to thank for that. She came to me in a dream one night. All raven-eyed and telling me to listen to her or die. I listened. I listened to everything. Dreams flooded my nighttime, and visions left me gasping for air. The Morrigan had told me that she would protect me in any of my endeavors. And that she is doing.

The night that Lilith came to me was in a dream as well. I dreamt I was giving birth to a snake. And she left me in a warm damp place I can still feel to this day. A seed. Not yet a sapling. But growing all the same.

Then Cernunnos came to me half-devil half-angel. I was never able to figure out what he was saying to me in my dream of him. Was he telling me that, yes, indeed, he was also the devil, Lucifer incarnate? Or had he borne Lucifer in the most modern times to renew himself as a light bearer? In the dream of him, he had a torch, horned crown with leafy thorns, and cloven hoof stepping, then plants growing and falling away dead.

And then, in recent years, I have begun talking to each of them. Even the lesser-known gods of any pantheon. Epona especially has been a name I repeated in my mind lately. She came to me one night as well. A silent white horse with a raven overhead guiding the way. A wolf lurking in the shadows howling to talk to me. There were many wolf dreams as well.

And then there were nightmares.

In my journeys around the countryside, I would find odd things. Like a rusted 6-inch nail hammered straight into the ground at a corner of our home. Pieces of cow skull sprinkled about and covered in dirt, and so many tiny cow bones scattered all over our dirt driveway.

There were tons of trees all around us on the land surrounding us. One particular live oak tree spoke to me and made me feel at home every time I visited it. I would go and sit and read sometimes. I burned incense I had made under that tree. Taught my little cousins the way of the wise under that tree. My daughter learned there as well. She will be a second-generation witch if she follows in my footsteps. I hope for it too. But freedom of religion above all else.

The occult draws me nearer every time I touch and leave it. I find I am more attracted to it every time I read something about it. It especially becomes more and more interesting every time I see something to do with the planets and metals or minerals or anything else the physical earth has to do with it. I want to learn the art of alchemy. And anything occult I am researching consistently now. My finding on the subject is minimal at best, though.