Advance Human Project (4)

As I leave the center of the forest I start encountering other people. Each person I pass we exchange pleasantries and not in a habitual way, rather with sincere care. My heart felt completely full by the time I had walked out of the forest. There is this distinct border at the edge of the forest. One can walk right through but the rest of the ecosystem stays within the border. It actually rains in the forest, so you can check the precipitation screen for the schedule at a couple entry points. Some people enjoy the idea of walking in the forest as the rain comes down.

I head to the nearest food and beverage station. We have several of these all over the ship. They are basically mini kitchens, stocked with ready made items and many raw ingredients with space for people to create whatever they may want. I prepared myself a cup of tea to bring with me to sit by the park.

There’s this one cozy area with nice furniture to relax on. Here you often find people curled up with screens reading or playing quiet games together. My favorite spot is free and I settle right in, feeling some comforting tingling rise up my back. It seems to raise the corners of my lips as the sensation moves through my head. I giggle out loud at myself and am startled when Bino seems to appear out of nowhere.

“Ready for our game?” Bino asks with great excitement that’s practically spilling out of him.

For a moment, I want to back out and just sit with my tea for the rest of the evening. I tilt my head to get a better look at Bino. How could anyone ever say no to him? He has the most inviting smile, with big brown gentle eyes.

“Of course!” I say as his excitement consumes me. Then I realize I’m not changed into exercise clothes and add, “I should probably run to get changed.”, gesturing towards our rooms.

“I’ll walk over with you, I have to drop this stuff off anyway.” Bino replies putting his hand out to help me up with one arm, while holding an over full bag in the other.

I was hoping Bino would offer and I felt incredibly thankful he did. My tea felt as warm as my heart walking alongside Bino. I can’t help but feel giddy with actual joy and surprising myself I twirl around, mirroring some children dancing in a class nearby. Bino follows with his own interpretation of the children dancing. We both laugh as we round the corner and I take a sip of my tea. I can feel Bino looking at me and I’m almost afraid to look up from my cup but I do. We both smile and it’s a moment forever stamped in eternity, where we arelost in each other’s joy.

“Do you ever feel like the floor is going to eventually fall out?” Bino gestures around us. He quickly looks away from me continuing his thought, “This place, all of S4, is the most magical place and I couldn’t ask for anything better! I’m glad you’re here too, One.” We approach the hall to our rooms. I head towards my room and Bino towards his. He says, “Be right back.”

I enter my room, which is more than just a room, sitting my tea cup down. I have a little sitting area, a bedroom and a bathroom. We don’t have kitchens in our personal space but we do have a little area to keep some drinks and snacks in the sitting area. I head to my bedroom to get changed. I twirl from my closet to my bed as I lay back feeling unlike I have ever felt before. I take a deep breath, smile and hop up to get changed. I’m back out my door in just a few minutes but not before I look in the mirror longer than my usual quick glance.

Staring deep into my reflection, I think about my family or at least the two people responsible for making me. A flash of my childhood home pops into my head. I remember trying to talk about my feelings to my parents and realizing they literally didn’t understand. It’s so unfair they never felt love like I do. I realize I need to respond to Bino and his emotions. I have spent my whole life avoiding them and certainly any conversation around them. I bet it’s been hard for Bino too being an AHP. I assume his parents were a lot like mine, empty.

I exit my room with a grand gesture as if I had a fancy outfit on. We both laugh as Bino pretends to announce a fashion model. I’m of course in very plain exercise clothes and shoes for running. We kind of goofed around as we headed towards the game arena. About half way there I tell Bino, “I worry about losing all this. The safety has allowed me to feel things I didn’t know were possible. You know, true happiness.” I feel embarrassed for expressing myself so freely to Bino and thankful for feeling comfortable enough to do so all at the same time.

“Thanks for saying something. I didn’t mean to bring our energies down before. I’m just not used to this surreal place. I mean, we live on a spaceship, One!” His eyes wide open looking around with his arms spread out gesturing around us. “I have trust issues with anything or anyone who seems good.”

“Yea.” My stomach felt uneasy and suddenly I just wanted to sit down. The look on my face must have said it all looking at Bino. “We’ve never really talked about our experiences on Earth. Some, but…” I trail off because I’m not sure what to say.

“Do you want to skip game night? Maybe we could grab some food and take it to the park and I don’t know, talk.” Bino asked me. He looked sad for the first time since I met him.

“Maybe just a cup of tea, for me, for now. Did you want to stop by an F&B or go to the hall, or?” I asked, not even sure how to react to Bino’s sadness. I wasn’t sure if I should offer to hug him. It felt so easy to hug Cedric. Why does it feel so strange to even think about hugging Bino? I don’t have much time to contemplate before he replies.

“Let’s just stop at the F&B on the way. A cup of tea sounds nice.” Bino chuckles

I was so relieved he was smiling again even if it was totally fake. I realize that he looks authentically happy and yet I now know there is an underlying sadness, at least in this very moment. How many other smiles were fake? Maybe Bino wasn’t nearly as happy to be around me as I thought. No, that’s ridiculous we truly do have fun hanging out. I know I’ve heard Bino genuinely laughing. I know I’ve seen him genuinely smile and yet I can’t help but fear it was all fake.

We are both gathering our tea cups as he gestures for me to get mine first. I smile, feeling a warmth through my head and notice a weird tingling up my forearms. I’m aware of my cold hands anxious to be holding a hot cup of tea. After grabbing my cup I walk out into the open area. I take a deep breath wishing I was better with other people. The truth is, I have serious trust issues as well. Bino comes out and we head towards the park. We’re quiet the rest of the way there. I’m trying to figure out what to share, what not to share and wondering if I should share anything! I documented my story with Cedric when I first got here but he’s the only one I’ve really talked to about my life on Earth. It makes me sad and I feel extremely uncomfortable trying to talk about sad things and not crying. I sigh out loud only realizing when Bino replied to it.

“If you want we can just not talk or we can talk about something else.” Bino had his usual smile on his face, looking at me as if he were waiting to be told what to do.

“I’m sorry. The truth is, I hated my life so much before coming here and just thinking about it makes me feel raw anger. I don’t want to feel anger around anyone here. I don’t want to feel sadness around you. I don’t want to feel alone again. I feel like I have a home now. I have friends now. I mean, my life was so fucked up. You’ll be afraid of me or at least want to stay away if you knew my truths.” I realized at this point I was rambling and not saying much of anything, so I stopped abruptly. I look at Bino expecting a vacant, smiling stare.

Bino reaches for my free hand and asks, “May I?” Taking my hands into his, he continues, “It’s ok to feel anger. It’s ok to be sad for what they did. It’s ok to feel anything around me and share it. You should share it and release it! I have no idea what your history is, not exactly but I do not fear you or your emotions. You can tell me anything and I promise I’m not going to run away. Besides, we’re on a ship. Where would I go?” Bino smiles and doesn’t let go of my hands as we both go sit down in the park.

Feeling strangely empowered to speak freely and then overwhelmingly afraid of my own vulnerabilities. It would be great to talk with another AHP and learn more as everyone seems to have a different story. Why would Bino care about my story? He has his own issues. Maybe he would actually understand. Why do I need to be understood? Maybe I’m not being truly honest with how I’m feeling?

“One?” Bino says my name which makes me realize I’ve been lost in my own thoughts.

“I’m sorry.” I smile to try and reassure Bino but of what, I’m not sure. Maybe I’m trying to show him that I’m ok. I’m hoping he won’t say anything else or move. His hands holding mine did help me feel calm. I take a deep breath, open my mouth as if to speak and slowly raise and lower my eyebrows. I feel embarrassed at my inability to speak. My cheeks start to feel warm and I assume they are flushed pink.

Let’s“Is it ok if I tell you something about my time on Earth?” Bino asks.

“Of course.” I respond, feeling energy building up just below my lower center chest, now emanating all the way back up, through my chest, up neck and out to my ears. I’m anxious to hear what he has to say.

“Well.” Bino says as he exhales. He lifts his left toes tapping them back down quickly and repeating with the right side, adding a quick heal lift and tap. This little disturbance in his calm manner exposed his own anxiety to what he was about to share. “My dad was one of the Earth Scientists. I had no idea what was really going on until my teens. I mean, I grew up having a scientist for a dad. He knew everything and he really was my hero. My mom was sweet. She didn’t work outside our home. She did everything for my dad and me and never once complained. My friends loved coming over to my house and life was pretty amazing.”

“What the hell happened?” I asked in complete shock. Becoming aware of how rude I must have looked, I grimace a little with a lot of regret to my question.

“It’s ok, this is what we’re doing, right? Talking. Asking questions. Learning.” He let’s go of my hand and sits up bringing his hands up to his face and runs his fingers up and around his head. He lets out a breath as his hands grasp the back of his neck while he looks up with his eyes closed.

Bino was fighting back tears and I don’t know what to do. I want to run to my room, curl up in my own comfortable space and hide. Instead I reached out and touch Bino’s knee, trying to be as comforting as I can with such a small gesture. Time seems to stop. This moment is continuing as though it is an entire symphony playing through. The crescendo of silence echos such deep emotions and my heart breaks for Bino.

“It’s not that easy, is it?” Bino finally says. “It’s like inside the dialogue and questions never stop but to say it out loud.” He stops there.

I look up hoping to see Bino’s eyes. They’re red which makes me feel shame and guilt. “Maybe we should go back to our rooms.” I awkwardly suggest this but not wanting to leave Bino’s side, also not wanting anyone else to see us in such a state.

“Maybe we should talk about Earth where it’s a little more private.” Bino responds and I instantly feel relief.

“Yea, let’s head back to my room. If you want?” Getting up offering my hand to Bino. He takes it to get up but doesn’t let go as he gestures for us to start walking. Holding Bino’s hand felt safe.

Thank you for reading installment 4 Fear of Advance Human Project! 😊

Installment 1: S4

Installment 2: Floating World

Installment 3: Connection