What Was ...

 Being with you was so easy,  there was never a fight or a cross word. You were my Hero, my rock,  my friend, my lover,  my galaxy. A word from you would send shivers down my spine,  even in tears,  there was this moment of passion. Always my first call when I was weak,  always my first thought in any moment. My protector,  my confidante. 

  Despite the miles,  you were always a phone call away,  a text away. It made you my world. We would play house any chance we got,  and it was perfect. We would languish on Saturday mornings,  caught in the domestic bliss of chocolate chip pancakes, bacon and scrambled eggs you made me. You would shave in my bathroom with your straight razor,  and I would gaze at you in the mirror..that same man who was just in the shower with me. The man who would kiss me with so much passion as the water fell,  and wash my hair..the slightest tug spinning me into a cyclone of craving you inside me. 

 A brief innocent conversation would spark your protective instinct,  and while I should have told you, it literally made me want you so much more. Finally someone I didn't have to have my guard up for,  didn't have to question,  didn't have worry would ever hurt me. 

  Moments shared that could never be undone or forgotten with your hand around my throat. I still remember the first time. I still remember lying in my bed,  you holding me,  and me burning for your touch. I couldn't tell you how we went from watching Netflix to you on top of me..it just happened. You asking me if it was okay,  despite you already being inside of me. The smile that passed my lips because really like I would have said no. The first time I asked you to put the hands that had held your babies around my neck. There wasn't a moment of hesitation ..My breathing slowly being cut off..my mind slowly ceasing to be spinning full throtle ,  the bliss of the world ceasing to exist. You always taking control trusting you with my body and soul. It was like complete heaven on earth. Nothing between us,  no space no time. Just skin on skin,  soaking you up dying to overdose on you. 

That was every moment of us. The slightest glance in your blue eyes, the feel of you next to me in bed, the tests telling me to stop sending you pictures while you were at work in the courthouse because you wanted me, the text of me threatening to tell your Chief you were texting me when you should have been training your rookie, the way we were was always my normal. I would look at you and sigh, this man, this man is mine. I never doubted you until you turned your back on me when I was protecting you and your children. Then those moments became just memories. I have seen you in other people, and it used to be a comfort now it is reminder how cold you have become. A brief word and all of us was destroyed, when I had chosen you as the only man I trusted.

And now there is someone new. He is the calm in my storm, the one that I cling to for security. The voice I crave on the end of the phone. No longer your princess but his. It his children I want to protect, his heartbeat I want to feel, and have tattooed on my arm. It is he that is my protector, he that I crave inside me the way I once did you. He has become my white knight, because he isn't you. All the places he wants to touch me, all the things I want him to do to my body, I would never allow you to. You lost that privilege the moment you abandoned me and caused the destruction of my life. He has to pick up the pieces of what you set into motion, and he will always be King for that. What should have been you, he has become. I gave up trying to save you years ago, and then you gave up on me. He sees everything you did, and tries to stitch back together what you ripped apart, and for that he gets the undying devotion that was once yours. He gets to do the things you never dared to admit to yourself you liked, he has become the man who want I to please as I once pleased you. All of the thins he does for me, you will never do again. It will be his hand around my neck, as he comes inside of me. It will be his mouth on my breasts, his mouth licking my body, Him filling the voids you left and smoothing my hair after he has taken everything you want from my body. It will be him, that erases the memory of you, that when I close my eyes at night I shiver to be in his arms. He is the Man that will fix what you broke, and it will be him that I fall to my knees for, it will never be you.

He wants the life we had planned, and he wants more than you could ever give me. He will always be the love story you should have been. For that he gets the body and mind you once called so beautiful, he gets to trace my tattoos with his fingers, as he explores my body in ways you couldn't even imagine. He will be the person who rebuilt the dream, the man who with a simple word can make me silent and at peace where you caused chaos and pain. For that he gets rewarded with the passion I once had for you, the fantasies come to life, the control you craved and could not handle. It will be him that I think about when I need a fix, and not you. He is the Man you never will be.

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