What Being an Exotic Dancer Taught Me

When I was 24 years old, I was engaged, bored, and the definition of broke. I had a wedding coming up, and was stuck in a dead end job that paid, after two years, $10.25 an hour. My life wasn't exactly what I signed up for when I was making plans post college, and after having many bouts of our gas getting shut off and having cold water raining down on me when I was showering between jobs, I knew I had to do something.

So, I discussed the possibility of dancing with my significant other. I didn't do so to get permission to be perfectly clear, I did so to see if there were any hang ups or issues on his end and how I could work through it with him. After discussion, we were both on the same page that it was just a job, albeit a unique one. The job was extremely flexible, and had the possibility to be extremely lucrative in less time than your standard job, so off I went to my first audition. I was armed with a Wal-Mart thong, a pair of shoes from Goodwill that appeared to be abandoned by a dancer that went one night and decided it wasn't for her (bless her, they were worth $125 being sold for $6), and the determination to get my life together financially.

Plot twist, I ended up getting the job. However, I did not enjoy the club that I auditioned at. So, I auditioned at another club and got a steady job working as a dancer, and my short term stint to fix my financial situation turned into six years dancing off and on for the first three, then consistently the last three I was a dancer. I learned many things during my time in clubs.

1. 9-5 Jobs Come In Two Flavors, and Both Can Be a Trap

The first variety is the type of job I had when I first started dancing, the type where you don't have enough benefits or make enough to pad any type of illness or emergency situation. In this scenario, the employer knows you need your job because you can't afford to leave, but really you can't afford to stay either. You make just enough to pay your bills as long as you don't get sick or have an emergency.

The second variety of 9-5 job is the opposite end of the spectrum. You have great pay and great benefits, and your lifestyle expands to accommodate the increase in income. After a while, you realize you can't leave because you have to maintain that lifestyle due to pride, or just not wanting to go back to where you were before. I can't tell you how many patrons of the clubs I worked at who got the trophy wife, house, car, and mass disposable income, yet felt trapped due to having to upkeep everything.

2. Whenever You're Selling Something, You're Always Selling a Feeling

This is probably the best wisdom I've ever come across in terms of selling in general, more so when I became a dancer. Take for example, food. It's an item we need and purchase often yes, however, what feeling do you have when you have a full refrigerator? Safety? Accomplishment? Peace? No matter what you're selling, you're always selling a feeling. I actually spoke to a friend recently who was saying he couldn't understand why people would want a lap dance. I totally understood where he was coming from on the surface. Why would you want to have a half naked woman who you can't take home or even touch sitting in your lap, or in some clubs, no contact at all? But, at the end of the day, it wasn't about that. It was the fact that the man getting the dance walked into the club, was immediately greeted by a beautiful woman who was fascinated by everything he said, and he was pursued by her for once. He didn't have to be impressive, he didn't have to be dressed up, he just had to be there paying for her time and she'd make him feel like he was the greatest man in the world. Until the bar closed at least. THAT is what it is all about.

3. 80% Of The Job Is Being a Semi Nude Therapist

As a dancer, I have heard several stories that I know for a fact should have been listened to by a healthcare professional. I've heard men talk about being abused, wanting to get divorced, and I even had a man tell me he was preparing to kill himself that night after he left the bar (he didn't, he had a wellness check called on him at his hotel). I have found it is much easier for the men that came into the bar to talk to a half naked woman about their problems than to go see a therapist. That way you're both vulnerable, and their masculinity isn't compromised (I blame toxic masculinity for that mentality). Others just don't have the time to make friends and literally just want to talk. While being a dancer, I learned just how important human interaction can be to the wellbeing of other humans. I know now due to Covid we are all too familiar with that as well.

4. It Pays to be Kind, Sometimes Literally

I remember one night at the bar, I was onstage doing a set and a man came up to the stage. I said hi to him and he asked me if I had a cigarette. I laughed because I was on stage and obviously did not have pockets. Or clothes on. But I told him when I got off stage I'd be happy to get him one. We had a conversation for a bit that was actually really nice during my set, and I told him I'd probably be offstage in about two minutes. He had told me I was nice and he appreciated kindness. Then, out of nowhere, he started throwing money at me while I was dancing, and I didn't realize he had been throwing hundreds. Turns out that guy was a rapper from out of state.

I don't believe in being kind just to get something in return, but sometimes it can benefit you immensely.

5. Your Time Is Valuable and You Should Act Like It

One thing I know for a fact tends to be difficult for some dancers after they retire from the pole is the idea of spending hours in a job when you can make a lot more in a shorter amount of time dancing. I know for a lot of sex workers that's kind of a trap as well that keeps them in sex work long after they've needed a bit of a break. Usually that burn out can be alleviated by a trip, a break for a period of time, or perhaps switching to creating content as passive income. I had a friend who absolutely loved dancing, but it can be an extremely exhausting job, if not rewarding the majority of the time. She would take a week every month and go to a different state, just to make sure she stayed on top of her game.

I know I'm going to sound like I hate conventional employment, but I really don't. There are tons of issues surrounding employment in the US, which is just becoming more and more apparent over the years. However, I have learned while having a conventional job to stand up for myself and my time, and understanding that my contribution to a company should be valued, and if it isn't, I should leave, because I know how much I have earned just showing up. This also bled into my personal relationships and made me value my time, and if someone doesn't, leave. Plain and simple.

I don't know if any of you have been dancers, considered it at some point, or were just curious, but I know personally I have learned many things from dancing that I don't think I could have learned anywhere else. I'll always miss my click clack shoes and pole dancing for a living, but I'll always have the life lessons.