Things to Know Before Dating a Girl Who Just Got Out of a Bad Relationship

Whether he was a cheater, a liar, an abuser, or just an idiot, bad relationships can leave some serious damage. The damage can include but is not limited to major trust issues, feelings of vulnerability, vows to never date again, dating sprees, emotions running rampant, or even a complete switch off of emotions. Clearly the situation can go a lot of ways, all usually pointing south. So let’s break it down into what happens when you finally start letting in someone new. Where do these new relationships that may so painfully touch upon old memories usually go wrong? Regardless of how amazing and “different” he or she claims to be, there are just some things we wish you understood about dating someone who just got out of bad relationship.

We will probably move slowly, painfully slowly. They say patience is a virtue, and they’re right.

After a bad relationship, we will probably be very very hesitant to get involved with someone again, for obvious reasons. Understand that, respect that, and meet us where we are. No, not halfway, you come to us. We’ve just been through hell and back and each bad relationship is something so deeply personal that no one else can truly relate. So what does moving slowly actually mean? Well we definitely won’t be initiating anything serious and we’ll probably have a hard time finding the effort to pursue you. Thinking back on the torture involved in the last relationship, effort just doesn’t seem worth it at this point. Remain patient and keep pursuing us and we’ll warm up to it… eventually. Once past this initial phase, we probably will still have a hard time committing. Now this doesn’t mean you’re free to hook up with others as you please, but proving loyalty for a committed relationship will take a bit longer than usual. Patience, patience, patience.

Prove yourself. Damaged trust is not something that can be mended quickly.

Now here’s where the real work comes in. Unfortunately, someone we trusted with everything has lied, manipulated, deceived, or just plain hurt us. As you can imagine, messing with someone’s trust, the foundation of any healthy relationship, can really screw with a girl’s head. Who’s to blame her for vowing to NEVER trust again? Ok, this might be a little dramatic, but it’s also a common reaction so it’s important to understand it. Trust is now, more than ever, something that must be earned for the damaged little soul you are so eagerly pursuing. Remember that and find new ways to prove yourself. In case you don’t know, proof is demonstrated through actions, not words. Words may seem meaningless after a bad relationship so don’t be surprised if we brush off your cute texts or even more serious promises. Show us you’re a person of your word; show us you think we’re beautiful; show us you won’t hurt us.

It’s probably going to take a while before we fully let you in. Try, try again, but respect boundaries.

With fresh wounds from a bad relationship, don’t be surprised if we aren’t quick to introduce you to our friend group. After showing off the last guy to our most intimate circles, everyone is very skeptical of someone new coming along. In fact, you may not even truly get to know us for a few months. Feeling vulnerable can make us hold back showing our whole self. It’s a protection thing. And personal information? Don’t even think about our intimate secrets, weaknesses, or even emotions because there’s no way we’re putting ourselves out there again that easily.

It’s difficult to start a new relationship for anyone who may still be hurting. We might push you away. We might resent you for something we think you did or didn’t do. It doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t like you, so just keep trying! Of course, understand and respect her boundaries to know when trying too hard turns to pushing something unwanted. The best way to do this is through communication. Though she may be closed off initially to talking about it, communicate your feelings with her clearly and make sure she is on the same page.

Be gentle and kind. Remember that even if we don't let you know, we’re probably hurting and may be low on self-esteem.

The absolute worst thing for someone with trust issues is to feel bad about having trust issues. Hurt from a bad relationship can reflect itself in a number of ways, one which is low-self esteem. Help boost her up whenever you can. Remember what she’s been through and try to understand how it affects her in every part of her life. She could blame herself for what happened or even see herself as not worthy of a healthy relationship. This could manifest in multiple ways and potentially affect new dating prospects negatively. If you can recognize the negativity as a coping mechanism, you can work together to move forward. So, never ever ever tell her she’s overreacting (just a no-no in general when a girl is upset), and don’t make her feel even worse than she already does.

Don’t be surprised if we’re skeptical of nice gestures. Your attempts to be cute or prove yourself loyal may seem disingenuous because of the last guy. It may not be fair, but that’s how it is so do your best to show her love and sensitivity, you will receive it back (usually).

Don’t take anything personally. This is good life advice in general but especially when involving someone in pain.

Tying in with many of the previous points, it’s important to be patient and understand that pain can manifest itself in a whole lot of ways. Little things may set us off. You have no idea what may trigger an old memory or trauma from a bad relationship. So when it happens, and inevitably it will happen, remain calm and remember it probably has absolutely nothing to do with you. When the time is right, talk about it and take steps together to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

We might pick fights, but don’t fight back. It won’t help and anyway, you will lose. Have you ever been in a bad mood that you just can’t seem to get out of? It’s that same subconscious energy feeding off negativity in her when she randomly picks a fight. She may not even realize what’s happening so just do your best to not react and give her the appropriate space or attention she needs to heal in that moment. Again, communication is vital here.

If appropriate, talk about it. Ask what went wrong before and take the necessary steps to PROVE you’re different.

This tip should only be taken if and when the time is right. That’s something only you and she will know. If you decide together it’s appropriate, have an open and honest discussion about the bad relationship. Talk about what went wrong and how it impacted her. Always let her lead this discussion, sharing what she is ready to share. Don’t pry, and once again, be patient.

If we open up to you, it’s essential that you show you won’t be the same guy or would never do the same things. This is a big step in earning trust in each other so don’t take it lightly. It should go without saying, but keep this information between the two of you. Respect her privacy and the intimacy of your conversation.

There is a difference between good relationships that end poorly and straight up bad relationships. Understand it.

It’s important to keep in mind that every relationship is different. And everyone’s individual needs are different when coming out of a bad relationship. More important than understanding relationships in general is understanding where she has been and what she needs. She will be in a different place if the relationship turned salty suddenly or if it was a long term abuse situation. If she’s not ready to discuss the previous relationship with you that’s fine, but never make assumptions about it. If there’s anything that will piss a girl off it’s calling her ex a cheater or a liar. Even if he was a cheater, that’s for her to say, not you.

We want nothing more than to find love again... even if we don’t show it all the time.

A loving, trusting, healthy, supportive relationship is all we want. Is that really too much to ask for?! We may have a funny way of showing it, but if the chemistry is right of course we want to be open to new love. Easier said than done, I know. Just remember that every time she pushes you away, picks a fight, rejects your cute text, or seems closed off, she’s still healing. Give her time and compassion and you will both be rewarded.

After a broken heart and some serious damage from a bad relationship, it may seem next to impossible to start dating again. Girls—keep your head up and your heart open and remember not to be too hard on the next guy. As for “the next guy,” be respectful of where she is now. It may not always be easy, but after a bad relationship it’s hard to understand just where her head may be at. In fact, she probably doesn’t even fully understand it! So give her time, work together, and show her the love she deserves.