New York part II

I laid in bed thinking about the evening; how he made me feel. I ran over in my mind the things we said, the lines in his face, his beautiful smile, his contagious laugh. Then I caught myself smiling and giggling as each scene flashed in my mind. And it hit me; I was falling for this guy.

I vowed I wouldn’t do that. I was so careful to put those kinds of notions from my mind. It had always been so easy to shut men down, but for some reason, he was different. ‘The heart is cursed’, I thought. I can’t get away from the very element that seeks to destroy me. What was I thinking? That I could hide forever in a big city? Yes, hiding in plain sight, that was my plan.

And as quickly as I thought it, I pushed it away. Nothing has to come of this. I’m just going to enjoy myself and forget the rest. All the while knowing I was lying there and lying to myself, but I continued believing the lie because it was easier than facing the truth that this could be a potential let down if I allowed it to continue. Because, deep down, I didn’t believe in love; and what has a beginning must have an end. I rolled over on my stomach, snuggled my pillow, and drifted to sleep.

The sun came up quicker than I had expected. Of course, it was late when I had finally crawled in bed.

The afternoon dragged on and on as if the clock just didn’t move. I cleaned everything twice waiting for magic hour. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, it was getting close to 3. I felt like I was back at work waiting for the clock to turn five so I could go home. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV, my stomach in knots, anxious and hoping I wasn’t going to be stood up.

The doorbell rang and I could barely breathe. I got up and opened the door. There he was just as beautiful as the last time I saw him; his face shining with a big smile.

“Hey, Dani” He said with enthusiasm. Then he reached out, grabbed my hand, and led me out the door.

Later that evening

We stood there for a moment while I pulled out my key to the apartment. I unlocked the door, grabbed his hand, and pulled him into the apartment. Still holding his hand, I led him to the couch. Sitting so close to him I could feel the heat from his body. And he smelled so nice; it had been driving me crazy all day. I hadn’t kissed him or really touched him at all. I didn’t want to come off as being too presumptuous or too easy. But at this point in the evening, it was abundantly clear that we both felt strongly for one another and the tension between us was high.

His eyes grabbed me and held me like I was suspended on a sensual cloud and I was no longer aware of things around me or how far off the ground I really was. I wanted to touch him but was scared. The way he looked at me just made me tingle all over, causing great excitement.

He leaned over, my heart pounding and my breath growing weak. I closed my eyes to wait for the magic. As his lips closed in, I could smell his sweet breath.

His lips barely touched mine. It was a small gentle kiss. He held his position and wrapped his arms around me. It was kind of awkward as our bodies were not really embraced because we were sitting side by side facing each other. But to get in that position would have compromised any resolve we both possessed at the moment.

As I felt his embrace, I could smell him, his masculine scent, driving me over the edge. I could feel the strength in his arms and the size of him compared to my small frame gave me cause to breathe even heavier. He started to lean in farther, causing me to lie down on the couch as he came in closer for his lips to touch mine again. His lips parted slightly, and I felt a light touch of his tongue. I could feel the electricity pulsate. It took all the restraint I had to keep from grabbing him and going wild. But I held still, waiting for what might be next.

Every hair was on end and the sensation was knocking the wind out of me, my heart racing. My eyes were closed as I took in the sensational arousal. A feeling I haven’t felt in a long time. He kissed me again, this time his lips were fully pressed to my mine and as I returned the gesture, I parted my lips and allowed the passion and the warmth of his mouth to cover mine. I tasted his lips and his breath, so supple, so smooth, and sweet. So gentle and yet full that my body went limp. I responded with a low moan.

I wanted him to kiss me like this forever. I was fully aware of every place on my body that was touching his. The warmth of his skin, the feel of his strength in the core of his body…it felt so good to be close and to feel him. It made my whole body come alive and wanting for more. My hands automatically came up around his neck as we kissed with more passion and energy. Our breathing was labored from the excitement and arousal. The kissing got more intense and faster. The current from his touch was almost too much to bear. My body responded beyond my control.

Earlier I had tried to imagine this very moment, catching myself fantasizing about it while listening to him tell me stories of his childhood. But nothing prepared me for the real thing.

Mere moments went by as we were engaged in this heat and passion of consuming each other.

Part of me wanted to stop; this was all so fast. I pulled him closer to me and kissed him long and hard.

We stood up and he wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed me again, pulling me to him, bodies touching. The shocks of electricity pulsed through me as I felt every part of me come alive. I wanted him, and I could feel he wanted me too.

I struggled to press every single part of my body up against him, pushing him off balance. We almost fell back on the couch, but he caught his balance and kept me upright with him all at the same time. We giggled. But the funny moment was short lived as we concentrated on each other again. I couldn’t get close enough. I felt his breath on my face and the sweetness of it sent me to a place I wanted to hide. I wanted to be inside of him and hide from the world, from reality. I couldn’t help but try to get closer, taking one leg and wrapping it around his torso feeling his manliness against me. It was driving me mad, as I wanted him. I wanted every part of him; his body, his mind, his soul, in me, on me, around me, through me.

He bent down and grabbed my other leg lifting me off the ground and placed it around his waist, carrying me to the bedroom. His lips caressing my neck, I could only moan with delight at the pleasure of it. I was in another place. I couldn’t feel reality anymore. It was just him and I and nothing else existed. I ran my hands all over his body feeling him. I wanted to explore every part. I wanted to own him, possess him, and dominate him. He gently set me on the bed. I sat back, grabbed his face as he moved toward me, and covered his mouth with mine.

We couldn’t get into rhythm. We would go from wild and crazy passion to slow and deliberate. I cannot tell you how long it had been since I had felt that way. There were so many dead parts in me that started to come back to life. I remembered what it was like to feel romantic love again, and then… that thought took over…

I wanted this yes, but I didn’t want what would come after. So, in my heart I made the decision that after this night, I would never see him again. It’s too complicated, it’s too painful and it’s too messy. It’s easier to be alone, to stay alone. No one to answer to, no quirks to learn to deal with. No jealousies, no expectations, and certainly, no let downs.

He really did seem like a good match for me. He wasn’t a dork or a know it all; he was a gentleman and yet at the same time relaxed. He knew when to speak and when to listen. He seemed to care about what I said, and he actually listened to me. Or so all this seemed. But happily ever after? Well, that didn’t exist. The best part of any relationship is the first three days, then after that it goes downhill. I can’t live there again. I can’t put my energy and hope in building a life that will just fall apart and leave me wanting. It’s just a big waste of time. Those parts of me that had woken needed to be put back to sleep.

And as hard as I tried not to let it show, he knew something had changed. My body didn’t respond to his touch as before. He traced my face with his fingers and peered into my eyes. My eyes were closed, not literally, but the light was now turned out. He stared through me as if he knew why I had changed. I looked back at him with guilt on my face.

“I’m sorry, but I think this is a mistake.”

“Sweetie, why would you say that?” He responded with a look of true concern.

“You just can’t know who I am, where I’ve been, the things I’ve done.” I sat up.

“What do you mean, and how does that matter?” He asked as he sat up.

“I just don’t think we should do this, I mean, really, and who are we kidding? We both know how this will end.”

“No, I don’t know how this will end. This is called a beginning. Though this was not my intention, you were the one that led me in. I’m really confused, but hey, don’t worry about it. I will go.” He said, not angrily but firm.

I felt stupid, but I wouldn’t take it back; I believed what I said with all my heart.

“You’re right. I started this. And I’m so sorry. I really am. I thought I could do this, but I can’t. And I’m sorry to put you through this. It wasn’t fair.”

“No, it sure wasn’t.” He replied with a hint of anger this time as he turned to leave.

Standing in the doorway he looked back at me.

“Look, I really thought you were the kind of woman who knew what she wanted. At least that is what you led me to believe. I had a great time with you and I really like you, but you need to figure out what it is you want or what you are looking for. I don’t have time for games. Call me when you figure it out.”

I heard the front door open and then close.