Moments with you...

What lulls me to sleep at night is the brief reminder of you. A random conversation, a brief touch, a word, a phrase, a moment. They are nothing more I know. There was no way for you to know what I felt when I met you. Even in the worst moments of inhumanity, you saw me when the world didn't. I have lived on those moments for years. Your words that why innocent enough, spark a reminder of who I always have been. They have changed from just moments of you doing your job to moments of passion and fantasies that would make you blush. 

Images of what could be, images of raw passion. Unbridled longing for them to be real. Nothing more than the most innocent acts turned to lust bubbling in my blood for the reality. When mentioned by name only the rescue is told, not the fantasy of us. Separate worlds, the reality and the imagined. You coming home, me waiting for you sleepy eyed and naked. Watching as you drop your gear, wanting you to be inside me. The love drunk anticipation of your body and mine. It never lessens with time. Waiting for you to pull me close, and to tell me I belong to you. That you will never let me be hurt by the world. I am your Queen and you are my King. You would never share me, it would be unbearable. 

  The moment I wait for is the moment your hand pulls my hair, your fingers laced in my hair, your other hand sliding up my arched neck, looking for the spot that you crave as much as I do. My breath quickening as you slowly restrict my breathing. There is no gasping for air, no fear, because I trust you. That is the beauty of it all. There is no struggle, only pleasure of the world sinking away from my busy brain. Nothing more than that perfect space where you are in control. No fear of anything just the perfect moment when we are together. 

  These are the thoughts that keep me bound to you and the demons at bay at night. They may be only images I have created in my mind of us but they are a way to undo the madness that the world causes me. They are images of what could be, of a future full of moments like these. They would never change. The only thing that changes is how they could be acted out. 

 You needing me as much as I crave you. Every moment together in a bubble of passion. The moments you don't tell anyone about, but when you look at me you see. You can't help but see past the makeup and manners to the skin that was yours last night and the night before. A mental image of me on my knees before you. The world would never know by looking at either of us the sins committed behind closed doors. Our secret about the way you touched me seared into our skin and memories for a lifetime. 

  Every time I am able or out in the world I look for you. The red string of fate that bound us the moment we met. Hoping that I will see you in a crowd or get the chance to see you one more time, makes every day a wistful moment of anticipation. When I see something that reminds me of you, a reminder of the moment we met I can't help but smile. Even if it is not you, it triggers the craving you started the moment a simple word or act happened. It is if we were bound at first sight to each other, our destinies intertwined and dependent on each other, a symbiosis of energy, a moment of connection. I don't kid myself that you see the same thing I do but it doesn't change my need for you, to act out all the thoughts in my head. 

  There have been other lovers, other men who dared to try to contain the flame and each in one way or another have failed. Not because they were not enough but because they stopped looking, searching for me. They went silent in the worst moments and you picked up the mess they created. You restored order to the world they destroyed. Much like you, they were random moments of interaction that turned from stranger to lover. They would seethe with anger at the thought of me looking at you as I once did them. Wanting you to touch the skin they once coveted, and adored. The body they once conquered and claimed as theirs. The flesh they kissed, and long still for,  the taste divided from reaching by their own brutality. And so they have been replaced, the heroes of my life, the men who inspired me with a passion that burned bright with you. 

  They surrendered their Queen to their callous disregard when she needed them the most and for that they surrendered the hold on my heart. Had they been the men I knew, the men I loved with more passion than could ever have been destroyed, they themselves destroyed with their silence it would be them that these thoughts were about. They all had vied for your position, they had all been given a chance to be the savior, the worshipped. Men of power and prestige, whose secrets had been kept to protect them from harm, one by one failed to live up to their words and promises, failed to answer in my weakest moments, so they were cast aside- lawyers, police officers, FBI agents who once would do anything for their angel, threw way the object of their affection. Then you appeared. In a moment of collision between fate and time.. Destiny, Serendipity. You became the hero they always were, the desired thing. 

  Had you noticed you would have seen it in my eyes, or heard the quiver in my voice. You would have understood why I dream of you, crave you, need you to complete the missing piece. Given the opportunity I would tell you, explain to you the reason I feel this way, why I can tell you everything about you so much time later. 

 As my eyes grow heavy with sleep, I try to combat the world with thoughts of you. I imagine I am with you in your bed, smelling your cologne mingle with my perfume, the salt of your skin, my head on your chest after we have melded into one. I bring to mind the sound of your voice, the way I saw you so long ago. My spine tingles with the thought of it being real. The space where all of your desires and mine have been brought to reality, a carnal wonderland brought to reality. 

  Past lovers have set the scene of you and I, possession of my body at their whim in ways that they if they knew is how I look at you would destroy them. Their image replaced with you because of their silence. The ways that they would have their way with my body, as they seduced my consent with babbles simply collaring their submissive, a Saint Florian medal from a firefighter, a Tiffany's Silver Link chain from a FBI agent, a simple thin gold chain from a US Marshall who no one knew about. Simple things that no one would know marked me as his, all taken by a jealous man who struck me in violence because I could never be his. Things he did not know were their gifts to their submissive. The returned diamond pendent to a married man who would save me even now if I could get to him. Yet I think of you as I try not to relive the last two years stained by his jealousy that he could never be you. His willingness to destroy everything you would have seen as beautiful for the sake of being right, the man that destroyed the last unicorn submissive. Yet she still exists in me, and thoughts of you bring her closer to the surface and beat back the monsters he created. 

 When I wake my first thought is you. Your touch what should have been the night before. You are my safe harbor..home. The thoughts are never as pure and innocent as just waking in your arms. They are of you totally possessing my body, of every inch of you inside me. It is never about just sex, but waking next to you naked, longing for more. You unable to stop from being inside me. Even  during the day my thoughts are never far from you. No one would know the thoughts of what we could be doing instead of the mundane tasks of life. They are thoughts of how we could be anywhere else doing everything you don't tell anyone about. They are thoughts of stopping by to drop off cookies and telling you I need to talk to you for a minute only to find a private place to let unspin the world. You pushing me up against a wall, and recharging your masculinity and giving me back the ability to get through the day. It always makes the world go smoothly when you are satisfied and I am full of you. Then we go back to our worlds until the end of the day when you come home to me and we can languish in another moment of bliss.