Sex Ed
Sex Ed

Here’s Why Not Lasting Long Enough in Bed Could Ruin Your Relationship

by Dr. R.Y. Langham about a year ago in advice

Unfortunately, PE can ruin a good relationship… But, only if it isn’t addressed properly.

Here’s Why Not Lasting Long Enough in Bed Could Ruin Your Relationship

Did you know that premature ejaculation (PE) is the most common male sexual dysfunction? Well, it is. In fact, approximately 30% of men experience “early releases” at some point in time.

The truth is, climaxing too early (PE) can be embarrassing and exasperating. And, as result, it can hurt your relationship—both in and out of the bedroom. The good news is, you don’t have to put up with it for the rest of your life. No, there are things you can do to last longer during sex.

Keep in mind, there’s no exact time when you should ejaculate during sex. However, it may be too soon if you climax before you are able to enter your partner or if your orgasm in less than 60 seconds after you begin having sex. But, regardless of whether you have PE or you’re simply looking to add a few more minutes, there are treatments for premature ejaculation that could improve your sex life. With communication, openness, and extra effort, you can take your sex to a whole new level.

So, how can PE ruin a good relationship?

According to a 2006 study on the effects of ejaculatory dysfunction, PE can have a harmful impact on a relationship, but only when couples choose to ignore or dismiss it. Not addressing this condition, as a couple, can lead to personal and relationship distress and low sexual satisfaction for both individuals.

Men with PE often suffer from shame, guilt, and embarrassment at not being able to sexually satisfy their partners. And, as a result, after a while, it negatively affects their self-esteem, causing feelings of frustration, disappointment, resentment, hostility, shame, depression, anxiety, and anger, along with feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and inferiority.

It can also be the case that the female partner feels that her partner is neglecting her, believing that he is just not putting in the effort. She might think that he is simply selfish. Especially if his premature ejaculation is acquired and not lifelong. Men with PE can tell you that this is far from true, and that they would like nothing more than to have more control.

These feelings and emotions negatively affect the sexual intimacy in relationships, leading to resentment and disconnection in and outside of the bedroom. That is why it is important to address any sexual issues occurring in the bedroom together—as a unit.

How can a couple cope with PE AND keep the relationship alive?

For some couples, living with PE can be difficult, luckily this doesn’t have to be a permanent “situation.” You can improve your sex life—but both you and your partner must be on the same page. You shouldn’t have to “deal” with the effects of PE alone. Remember, you’re a team. So, the best the way to cope with PE AND keep your relationship alive is to work together.

Tips for Women

Don't blame him.

The worst thing you can do is blame your partner for the early climax. Keep in mind, he may be embarrassed about what is happening, so if you berate him or make him feel bad for not sexually satisfying you, he’ll most likely close down on you and not share anything else with you. He may also become depressed, angry, and frustrated, and in turn, take those feelings out on you. In extreme cases, your man may even stop having sex with you altogether. Remember, your partner is not deliberately orgasming early. He’d much rather take his time and enjoy moment with you. So, give him a break and try to find a way to work with him—not against him.

Listen

Another thing you can do to take the pressure off your partner is to listen to him—really listen to him. He needs your support right now. In fact, he’s probably ashamed about his performance, worried about what you think of him, scared that it will always be this way, and confused about what to do next. So, he needs you to actually hear him and be there for him. Because, really, if your man knows you have his back, he’ll be more likely to take steps to improve the situation. Then, you’ll both benefit from a new and improved sex life.

Talk to him.

Lastly, if you want to improve your sex life, you’ll need to communicate with him. In other words, talk to him. Tell him what you’re feeling, sensing, and seeing. Be kind with your words, but let him know how the PE is affecting you. If he loves you, he’ll listen to you the same way you listen to him. Remember, you’re a team, and if you’re married you committed to “…in sickness and in health.” So, be honest with him. Once you know how he’s feeling and he knows how you’re feeling, you can work together to find a solution to the problem.

Tips for Men

Photo by SHTTEFAN on Unsplash

Don’t allow PE to destroy your self-esteem & self-confidence.

The worst thing you can do is allow PE to make you feel “less than,” unworthy, and/or inadequate. This condition does not define you. And, in most cases, it doesn’t have to be permanent. You can do things to improve the length of the sex. You just have to be willing to try different things. If you are willing do them, your sex life will get better and better.

Communicate

I know it’s hard to talk to a partner about certain things like sexual performance and sexual dysfunction; however, it is crucial that you talk to your lady about what’s going on with your body. Believe it or not, she’ll most likely be supportive—and comforting. She loves you, after all. So, talk to her and allow her to help you sort through your conflicting emotions. She can offer you love, support, and valuable suggestions because she knows you better than you probably know yourself sometimes. Trust me, she’ll be glad you confided in her and thrilled to help you overcome this problem.

Try new things.

If you have PE, you may have to try new things. In other words, you may have to learn other ways to sexually satisfy your partner. What this means is that you may have to push your pride aside and think outside-of-the-box. In other words, be open. If you are open to new things (i.e. positions, locations, etc.), you’ll be able to keep your sex life afloat, while you seek treatment for the PE.

In Summary

There is nothing wrong with wanting to last longer in bed. Sex is one of the most intimate and enjoyable activities you can do with another person. So, it makes sense that we all want it to last for as long as possible.

Unfortunately, it is common for men, who feel they are climaxing too quickly to blame themselves. If the PE is not properly addressed, it can most definitely ruin your relationship. It is important to understand that PE is nothing to be embarrassed about. Moreover, it can be treated, so you can regain control of your sex life. Don’t let PE control you—control it!

About the Author

Dr. R.Y. Langham holds a Master of Science in marriage and family therapy and a Ph.D in family psychology. She serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples experiencing premature ejaculation.

References

Between Us. (2018). How to last longer in bed – The complete guide. Retrieved from https://www.betweenusclinic.com/premature-ejaculation/how-to-last-longer-in-bed/

Abdo, C. H. N. (2016). The impact of ejaculatory dysfunction upon the sufferer and his partner. Translational Andrology and Urology, 5(4), 460–469. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5002001/

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Dr. R.Y. Langham

Dr. R.Y. Langham holds a Master of Science in marriage and family therapy and a Ph.D in family psychology. She serves as a professional consultant for the Between Us Clinic, which provides sex-therapy online programs for men and couples experiencing premature ejaculation.

See all posts by Dr. R.Y. Langham