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Going to a Sex Party? Prepare to be Disappointed

by Thomas Brand 2 months ago in advice

Sometimes the fantasy and the reality don’t match

Sex parties. Such an exciting idea. Like-minded people coming together to enjoy sex in a new and thrilling way. Whether you enjoy watching, being watched, or simply revel in the shared sexual energy, sex parties are something many people fantasise about experiencing.

But if you’re planning to attend your first one — whether this be a big club night or a small, intimate party — I have one piece of advice:

Prepare to be disappointed.

Our first sex party

I remember going to my first sex party.

My partner and I were new to ethical non-monogamy and excited to begin exploring. We had discussed things and worked out what we wanted at this stage. We knew that at this early stage, we wanted to try things together. She was eager to explore her bi-sexual side, and the idea of a threesome had always been one of my fantasies. So the idea of playing with another woman worked for both of us.

The next step was deciding how to make this happen.

We were trying online dating, of course, but finding it less than effective. We were either messed around by fake profiles or ended up talking to people only interested in one of us and not the other.

If meeting people online wasn’t working, we decided to do so in real life.

And so we did some research on swinger clubs in London and picked one we liked the look of. After signing up and passed their gatekeeping process, we chose a night and booked tickets.

The first trip

The idea of going to a sex club for the first time was incredibly exciting, and we were determined to do things right. We sat down and agreed on what we were looking for. We decided on signals to indicate if we were uncomfortable with any situation. We picked out outfits. We were ready to get out there and dive headfirst into this new exciting world of casual, multi-person sex!

We left a few hours later, alone.

We’d spoken to a few people, but none of them had clicked for us. There also weren’t any single women there that night, and we weren’t interested in playing with other couples at this point. On top of that, everyone else seemed to know people, and we’d felt a little left out.

But this was our first time. We were happy to take this as a first experience. Next time we’d have more of an idea of what to expect and feel more comfortable getting involved.

The second trip

So we booked tickets for the following month.

This time would be better. We arrived nice and early, so we could socialise. We went on a different night, which supposedly had more chance of there being single women. We’d also had been talking to someone online and arranged to meet them there.

This time, we were disappointed.

The girl we had arranged to meet with came and said hello, then disappeared to play with people she already knew. There were singles there this time, but they were snapped up by other couples the second they walked through the door. Again, most people only seemed interested in interacting with people they already knew. We did get talking with one woman, but as soon as things started getting intimate, she pulled the old Bait-And-Switch. Suddenly this woman, who had been acting as if she were alone, produced a husband about ten years older than the rest of us and tried to shoe-horn him into our interaction.

We didn’t go back.

The truth about sex parties

So what went wrong? Why were our first experiences of sex parties so disappointing?

Because we went in with set expectations. And in setting a “win-state” we also created a “lose-state”.

The thing about sex parties is they are filled with real people. And real people have different tastes, desires, and expectations. And you can make plans and build all the fantasies you want. No one is obliged to make those things happen.

Now, it was possible that we could have turned up on Day One, found everything we wanted, and had all our fantasies fulfilled. But that didn’t happen. And, more importantly, we weren’t prepared for this not to happen. We were so filled with the excitement for all the things that could happen at sex parties, we never stopped to think they might not.

The lesson we learned

Looking back now, with the experience I have gained in the intervening years, I now know we made two mistakes.

The first is very common in couples coming into the scene. We vastly overestimating the number of single women who would be at these parties. We were Unicorn Hunting before we even knew what that was.

The second was expecting every party to suit us. Because I know now that the venue we tried simply wasn’t right for us. It didn’t offer what we wanted.

But here is the lesson this experience left me with:

Don’t go into things with set expectations that might not come to pass, and;

Think about how you might still enjoy your night if you don’t get what you’re looking for

When you boil it down to the essentials, sex parties exist because some people like group sex. But that doesn’t mean “group sex” means the same thing for everybody. Some people like involving many people at once, while some just like to watch or be watched. Some people like being in someone’s living room, while others look for luxury venues.

And even if you find the sort of party that suits you perfectly, you can never guarantee you’ll actually get laid. Nothing is ever certain, especially when it comes to people’s desires.

advice

Thomas Brand

Blogging about polyamory, ethical-non-monogamy, mental health, and modern relationships | (He/Him) | thomashbrand.com | ko-fi.com/thomashbrand

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