"I cheated, it’s all my fault Dr. Lynn."
She gazed at me. "Why are blaming yourself Natasha?"
"Listen..." I sat up, sitting up straight in her couch.
My heart was thumping in my chest and my hands were sweaty...
I needed her to understand...
to know the truth.
"We saw an opportunity to earn more money but it was a misrepresentation."
"Yes... please don’t look at me differently once I sha-"
"Natasha, I can assure you everything said in this room, stays in this room."
"Okay." I took a deep breathe.
She crossed her legs from the left to the right and picked up her notepad.
I cleared my throat to continue.
"The ad indicated that they were looking for young curvy women for this role..."
"What kind of role?" she locked eyes to mine as she wrote, then looked back to her notepad.
I sighed. "To be an escort... I was desperate."
"How did you get to this point?" Lynn asked as she crossed her legs.
I paused for a long second. I didn’t know how to answer this question...
Should I tell her growing up as the "black sheep" in my family caused me to be fidgety?
With a coke-dealer and omnivorous high school boyfriend David, I guess I can save that for later.
Who liked to practice boxing on my face...
I looked down at my hands
"... Maybe it was the rush to get things back to normal or the fear of being on the street again."
"I’m not following, Natasha... how did you get to the point?"
As I look at her my mind draws a blank. My mouth was open but I couldn't respond. She stares at me as if I was going puke.
"Is there anything wrong?"
I quickly look down to my sneakers. Yes, the same dirty pair of sneakers. Damn... I always remember when I'm in front of her.
I look up. "No... I just don't remember... Sorry."
"It's okay Natasha, we know your memories are a bit cloudy, that's why I'm here to help." She gave me a sincere smile.
"Let's start from a different angle."
"Okay," I nodded.
"Were you and Jordan together when you answered the ad?"
"Yes, we were."
"And he was okay with you answering this ad to be an escort?" she squinted her eyes.
"Well we thought I would be playing an escort, so the idea of me doing that was a turn on for Jordan."
Lynn nodded then stopped. "So," looking at her notepad and back to me, "you both thought it was?"
"Yes, we managed to call and make arrangements. The owner of the ad was named Tony. From that moment, we were on the phone with this man explaining our situation and hoping he would give me a shot. Next thing I knew, I was posing photos of my naked body as Jordan took pictures and we sent them to this complete stranger."
Lynn shook her head and leaned forward, and so did I.
"Once Tony received them, he was ready to have me start, but I had to travel to Detroit alone."
"Was the movie filmed Detroit?"
"Yes, filming was set to take place in Detroit but honestly the whole thing seemed sketchy..."
My hands started to shake.
"But I had no choice. Jordan had nowhere to go either and since he was not able to come with me..." My face grew hot.
I took a deep breath. "Since he couldn’t come with me... He was on the street."
"He was alone, with no one to help him."
I looked at her with tears pouring down my face.
"Why did I do that?!?... How could I... Just leave h-"
I was not sure if she heard me because I couldn't even understand what I was saying. I could not stop crying.
Lynn quickly got up and passed me her famous puff box of tissues and sat in her desk chair closer to me.
"Thank you... I'm sorry."
"No Natasha, you don't have to apologize for expressing yourself."
"I promised to Jordan to send him money and that I would be back in a few days, but when I arrived, something wasn't right..." I cleared my throat again. "It was very cold. Tony was driving a run-down van and there was a woman in the passenger seat. He introduced her as his sister as they drove me to Baymont Inn & Suites..."