five

Five things I don't like about myself. Hmmm. Ask a harder question, why don't you Hazeldine? I never really put much thought to the things I didn't like about myself. My momma didn't raise me that way. Well, she also didn't raise me to be a fool and my whole experience with Austin has been foolhardy.

I wish I hadn't procrastinated with this assignment. On some real shit, I had every intention of finishing this once I got home from work. I hadn't even been there for more than 20 minutes when I see this sheisty motherfucker sidle up to the door with a bouquet of flowers and a bag from Bath & Body Works. I roll my eyes and hold up a finger to him while I finish out the phone call I was on. Meanwhile, I can hear all the women in the back giggling, ooh-ing and ahh-ing about how damn handsome Austin is. I took my time typing in the appointment in the computer, all the while Austin looking at me.

Damn. I already know I'm in trouble. One look at him and my insides get warm. My body starts tingling with excitement, almost to the point where I start shivering. Austin's skin is effortlessly smooth and his cocoa bean skin radiates in the sunlight coming through the window. I always hated how he never had to do much more than shake his hair around before he left the house to look good. But his coif of hair was gone. His edge up was looking hella clean, his beard was trimmed up . He must have just left the barber. I hated to admit it but he really looked good. And I was excited to see him and see what he had to say. He's never done anything like this before, but he's also never fucked up this bad before. Once I finished looking him up and down, he opened up his lying lips, "Baby, I-"

The phone rings. I pick up the receiver and turn away from him. "Thank you for calling For The Curlture, how can I help you today?"

When I was satisfied that my receptionist duties had been taken care of and after a little bit of dawdling, to be honest, because it was nice to see him squirm, I told Aunt Jackie I'd be right back.

"Yeah, uh huh. Leave the trash outside." She sneered at Austin. The gaggles of hens to the left and right of her clucked in disapproval and as I was leaving, I hear "Attractive my ass, he didn't say not one good morning to anyone us. Manners are attractive..."

As we walk outside, he reaches out to my hand and I snatch it away. Even though my body betrayed me inside the store, I finally exploded.

"How fucking DARE you come to my JOB? With flowers no less?!" Austin genuinely looked shocked. I've never raised my voice to him before. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it and smacks his lips. I could see on his face that he was choosing his words carefully.

"I apologize. I have never been more sorry about something in my life. I apologize for how I spoke to you. For the things I said, for acting how I did, for WHAT I did. I know I fucked up. I know I did and baby I'm asking you... please don't make me beg. I need you to forgive me." Here we stood, in front of this corner store only a couple of feet away from For The Curlture but I genuinely felt like it was just us in the world. Tears started pooling in my eyes. I tried to speak but my throat caught. He reaches out to me and I fall into his arms, reluctantly at first, but feeling his arms around me made me sob harder. All this time, I've felt so lonely, so alone. No matter how long or how much Bianca and Aunt Jackie shit talked Austin, I didn't feel like they understood. They don't understand how he makes me feel. His embrace felt like home. Relief washed over me like a tsunami. It was so validating to hear an apology but I still had so many questions.

"Why would you do this to me? How can I trust you again? Who was she?" I feel him tense slightly. I look up at him.

"Does any of that matter? She's nobody. It... it shouldn't have happened. I got carried away, we both did. But I deleted her number, you can check my phone." A shiver down my back sends a tremor through my whole body. I'm repulsed by the idea of having to check his phone.

"Nah, I'm good, thanks. It does matter to me though. But we can't do this right now. I have to go back to work."

"Well, can we talk later? Girl, you can't leave here without giving me a kiss." I ain't gonna lie, he did smell scrumptious. Like coconut oil and shea butter. I smirk at him, and while trying to hold it in, I saunter back over to him. I lift up my chin. He gently touches my face and when I pucker my lips, he touches his to mine and a jolt of energy runs straight through me. His tongue meshes with mine just a little and a small noise escapes from my lips. Damn. I hadn't realized how long it really had been since we'd touched. He made me so fucking mad, but the way he made my body feel... no one else has ever done that to me before.

His face breaks out into a huge, goofy smile. "Alright, I'll see you later. Wait. Tell me you love me."

"Of course I love you."

Flowers and bag in hand, I pushed the door in and sat at the desk, seeing the phone blink indicating 2 missed phone calls. Aunt Jackie's disapproving glance made me blush.

"Tell that mongoloid he's not allowed a foot in here until he greets everyone in here next time."

My eyes widen."Yes ma'am."

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When I walked into class, I noticed everyone's desk had an index card on it. Mrs. Hazeldine's desk was empty. Once everyone settled into class, she daintily walked in cupping a mug in her hand, blowing into it. She set it down onto her desk and looked at us with a bright chipper smile on her face.

"Hello class! I hope you are all doing well today. As you can see on your desk, there is an index card. I'd like you to write your names on it. Today you all will be meeting your partners. This class itself will be very brief, however this portion of the project requires you to be interactive with each other. Now here's the fun part." She took a cloth basket and one by one, took everyone's cards and dropped them into the box. She stood at the front of the class with the box outstretched in front of her.

"So here's where things get fun. You will be picking your partner! The person you pick will be your bud for the rest of the partner based assignments. Who's gonna volunteer to go first?" One of the older classmates gingerly raised her hand and Mrs. Hazeldine beckoned her forward. The woman reaches the front and reaches into the box.

"What if I pick my own name?"

"Well, honey I would say you'd put it right back in the box and pick again. Can't work with yourself when a project requires two people, can you?" Mrs. Hazeldine's smile made it hard to decipher if she was being sarcastic or not, either way she maintained her grace. The old woman nods.

"Alright, well I'm Katherine. I picked Alex." A dark haired, cherub faced man in the front row, nods with a small smile.

"Cool, nice to meet you Katherine." Katherine looks at Mrs. Hazeldine for instruction.

"You may have a seat. Who'd like to go next? Katherine brought up a great point. If you happen to run into your own name, drop it back in the box. If someone chose a partner, for example Katherine, toss his or her name onto my desk." Person after person climbed out of their chairs and picked a name, then greeted their partner. Things were starting to get a bit monotonous when I notice the ginger fellow from last time rise and stroll to the front of the class. I hadn't noticed how damn tall he was last class. He's got at least a foot on me and I'm 5'3. He plucks a card out and looks at it, then scans the room.

"Hey everyone. I'm Fitz. I chose Nikea." My eyebrows raise in intrigue. I lift my hand up and wave. He slides the card into his pocket and on the way back to his chair nods at me. Mrs. Hazeldine takes the box back behind her desk.

"Is that everyone? Good. What I'd like for you to do now is consult with your partner. Look at the instructions and have fun with it and each other. Getting to know each other is going to be very pivotal to completing this assignment. You may complete the assignment here in class, or somewhere in the campus or even in the city if you'd like. It's up to you." The classroom erupted with sounds of desks and chairs creaking and squealing against the floors. I gathered my things and walked over to Fitz' desk.

"Hey, do you feel like staying here to work on this?" He chuckled and shook his head.

"Absolutely not. Do you have any classes after this? I was going to go to Central Park. We can work on this there." He was right, the dull roar of the classroom was more than distracting. I wasn't scheduled to go to work, so I was definitely down for an adventure. We hopped on the 5 train to the R train and got off at 59th street. The polite chit chat we had going on was coming to a close. Since we'd been in such close proximity with one another, I kept getting little whiffs of bud.

"Can I ask you a question? Well, two."

Fitz looks down at me. "Sure, what's up?"

"Do you smoke bud, because... if so, you smell delicious." His cheeks flush crimson and he breaks out into a wide smile.

"I totally do. And I wasn't sure how you might have felt about it so I've been mentally kicking myself this whole time because I didn't realize how stinky it was gonna be and I didn't know if you'd be cool with it. I was gonna kick this at the park after we went our separate ways, but since the cat is out of the bag, you trying to hit this?"

"Say no more, fam." Fitz spots a quiet area behind a line of trees. I follow him to this clearing where a big flat rock sat. To the right of us was a restaurant that was preparing to open their doors. There was a waiter by the back door leaning against the wall, smoking a cigarette, scrolling on his phone. His white button down shirt was untucked and his suit jacket was laid across a chair. I sat down on the rock and looked across the water. The pond was shimmering, and there was a family of ducks wading through the water making their way to land. Across the way from us, we could see the skyscrapers of Manhattan.

"I've never been here before!" I take the blunt from his outstretched hand.

"I walk all over the city more often than not. I actually live pretty close to here. So I've managed to find a few little spots, if we get more opportunities to leave the classroom, I'll show you. I didn't forget that you had a second question, by the way."

"Oh shit, I did! Well, I wanted to know why you go by Fitz?" He screws up his lips and gets a contemplative look on his face.

"You seem nice enough to not laugh. My full name is Fitzgerald. With this rag on my head and a name like that, I felt like I constantly had eyes on me. Fitz sounds cooler and it's the one thing I can control, for lack of a better word."

I nodded slowly while inhaling. I was starting to feel nice. Seeing Fitz up close now, I realized he's actually pretty handsome. His eyes were flecked with green, brown and gold. The height difference is immaculate, and if we're being honest, he's got at least 3 inches on Austin. He could get it.

"I think Fitzgerald is a nice name. I understand though, kids used to call me Nike in junior high. You've got a lovely head of hair man, if you think about it, you could be going bald. You could be like... Ron Weasley's hot older cousin if he was a Viking. Embrace that!"

He chuckled. "Vikings are dope, I'll take it. So do you know what the hell this project is about? I've heard things about Mrs. Hazeldine from other people but I didn't know what to expect." I pulled the sheet of paper out of my backpack and skimmed the assignment. When I first glanced at this last week, I remember briefly seeing that we would have to draw a portrait of our partner, but I totally missed the part where we have to tell each other something that we wouldn't know just by looking at each other.

Find a quiet spot and get to know one another. The list of your insecurities will play into this later, but let's get deep for a little first. Because you two will be spending so much time with one another, I want you to draw (to the best of your ability) a portrait of your partner. But before you do that, I want you to tell each other a secret. Doesn't have to be anything volatile, but something that's hidden. Something that you carry with you everyday.

I'm not a secretive person by any means but the thought of having to tell him something so personal about myself made me nervous but exhilarated me all at the tame time. Fitz looked at me, eyebrows raised expectantly. I handed him the paper and allowed him to read.

He nodded his head. "Hmph. Well, would you like to go first?" I instantly felt my palms get sweaty.

"Nah, not really. Not unless you have another blunt," I squeak, half jokingly. Fitz' eyes light up.

"As a matter of fact, I do. But I'll have to roll up. I can just tell you my story in the time that I do that." I sigh. Perfect. I'm not an artist by any means but Mrs. Hazeldine makes me feel like I can do anything, and I feel a strange but reminiscent sense of comfort with Fitz that I've never felt with anyone before. I pulled my sketching journal out of my bag. The list of items that were required for class included a large journal that was available at the bookstore but I decided to get my own from a local bookstore. The journal I purchased was faded brown and leather bound. We would be handing this in at the end of the semester, so I wanted to put my own spin on my book. I opened up to the first page and peeked up at Fitz. He had his journal flat out on his lap and he was arranging the ground up weed in a straight line. He starts to gut the cigar when he looks at me.

"Draw me like one of your French girls, Nikki." He shoots me a smile and embarrassingly enough, my cheeks started to warm up. I begin to focus on drawing the horizon when he starts to talk.

"I've been sober for 5 years." I stopped drawing and looked at him. "My parents come from old money. And they made some real great investments right before having me. Instead of sticking around and rearing me like a regular couple should, they left me with a nanny and were two oceans away for most of my childhood. So while you were 13 years old and watching kid tv shows and thinking about boys, I was 13 getting wasted and throwing ragers in my parents penthouse because I knew they wouldn't be back for months." He paused. He finishes rolling the blunt and hands it to me.

"You can green it. So while I had a super dope nanny and other family members who'd drop by every once in a while to check on me, my formative years are a blur. When I turned 18, I was given the biggest amount of money I'd seen in my life. My parents were still gone though, but technically I was a MAN so I didn't need them, right? I blew threw that money... so quickly. My next lump sum will be awarded to me when I'm 30 but I'm not looking forward to it. I've seen firsthand what money can do and how it makes you feel. Hillary, my nanny, who is now my real good friend and sponsor, she helped me get into a rehab clinic. I've been rebuilding my life since I got back on my feet... So that's my story. That's what I carry with me. And this." He rifled in his pant pocket and brandished a gold and silver adorned coin. I gingerly held my hand out.

"May I hold it?" He drops it in my hand and its weight surprised me. I examine it and then hand it back. "I'm very proud of you. And I hope you're proud of you. You went through a lot and you still came on top." He runs his hand through his hair and smirks.

"Yeah, well..."

"So it's my turn then?" I take one last puff and hand it over. The restaurant was starting to pick up steam. Dishes were clattering together and every once in a while, someone would come barging through the door to throw a huge garbage bag away. "I used to play volleyball in high school. We had a meet at an away school, and the Raptors were a huge rival of ours. Yo, this game was getting crazy intense. We had just a few seconds left and I fucking fumbled. I still don't know what happened. I slipped and just made a dumb mistake that ended up costing us the game. My friend Melissa was mad at me because it was a shot she could have and should have taken but I was feeling myself. Once we were in the locker room, Melissa blew up on me. Calling me all types of bitches and dumbasses. I was tight. We both said disgusting things to one another. Melissa and I had been friends for years. She was the damn reason I joined the team. Anyway, our coach had to break us up because it started to get ugly. We would sit next to each other on the bus whenever we went to a meet, and this was the first time we didn't on the way home. She didn't even say goodbye when her parents picked her up."

Fitz sighs heavily. "Shit man. Did you two ever make up?"

"There's a Chinese spot walking distance from my parents house, so when we got home we went there because my mom didn't feel like cooking. I remember distinctly my mom left the TV on because she liked to watch the news while she ate. When we came back there was a news broadcast about a car accident that had happened about an hour prior. A dump truck ran a red light...Melissa and her parents were in that wreck. They were all pronounced dead at the scene. I've never felt so guilty before. Why did I have to say those things to her? It was just a game." Maybe it was the weed but suddenly I felt too aware, too open and vulnerable. It's been years since I've thought of Melissa. Austin and I will have been together for two years in December and I've never even told him about her. He also has never asked me about myself in this way. I can only imagine the things I don't know about him if he doesn't know these kinds of things about me. The silence between us was palpable.

"I'm sorry. That's really fucked up." Fitz broke the still quiet.

"There's nothing to apologize for. It was a freak accident and our argument was poorly timed. It was a very humbling experience. Tomorrow isn't promised. Literally, anything could happen to you at any time. It's made me very aware of how I leave a situation with someone or when I say goodbye, especially to family. So that's what I carry with me everyday." I look down at my journal and realize I've only doodled the background elements of my portrait of Fitz. He hasn't even started his. My eyes land on his watch. Three hours have passed and for the first time in a while, I noticed the sky started to get darker and there was a bit of chill in the air. I hadn't expected to go on an adventure today so I neglected to bring a jacket. Fitz notices my arms around myself and he sheds his outer layer and hands it to me. I balk initially but he insists.

"Come on, take it. As you can see, I haven't really gotten started on your portrait yet. Hazeldine really wasn't pulling any punches with this assignment. This got deep really quick."

"No kidding. I suppose we'll have to meet up again before we get to the next part of the project cuz obviously we're not getting that done today. You said you live close, right?" While I gather my things together, wafts from his oversized hoodie (on me) tickled my nose. It's been years since I've been this close to a man that's not Austin for such a long amount of time. Not that I forgot what it was like to be attracted to other guys but I never gave it the time of day. Fitz had an earthy smell with hints of something sweet, like a sweet smelling body wash. Damn, this is gonna be trouble.

As we approached the train station and got ready to part ways, I handed him his hoodie and bade him forewell with my hand outstretched. He scoffs.

I look at him incredulously. "What?"

"You can't tell me that we just had that heart to heart and you're gonna give me a handshake. Gimme a hug. Please." Fitz opens his arms, palms facing the sky. I nod.

"You've got a good point." I lament and hug him. We exchange numbers to make plans for drawing each other but for real this time.

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I had had my phone on Do Not Disturb while I was with Fitz and noticed I had a couple of texts but I wasn't in a rush to see them. When I got on the train, I put some music on and sat through a few songs but then something piqued my curiosity and I checked the messages.

Austin (1)

hey sunshine. i know u still mad at me or whatever but i wanna see you. come over.

Bianca (5)

Anyway, I told that trifling hoe to stay outta my mentions. She think we don't know she fucking her budman when she needs to re-up. DO BETTER HOE.

Mommy (1)

HI HONEY............ R u coming over for dinner this wknd.... we're having porkchops...... they were on sale 3 for $8...........

I look up at the digital sign displaying the stops. I'm 3 stops away from home, but I notice across the way the E train headed southbound was about to depart. Fuck. I grab my things and dash over to the train just as the doors were closing. My bag gets caught in the door because the train was so damn full.

"Stand clear of the closing doors."

I roll my eyes and adjust myself when I see someone beckoning to me on the left. I look up and this older man fully decked out in dirty denim offering me his seat.

"You too beautiful to be standing, come sit down honey." I started put my hand up to say no but seeing that it was a full train, I decided to sit down. I pull my phone out of my bag and text Austin that I'm on the way. It's rush hour and I'm still in Manhattan... I've got about an hour and a half till I get to Austin so I pull out my journal and sketch what I could remember of Fitz' face.

Austin opens the door and pulls me into a tight hug. I only saw him a couple of days ago but with the intensity that this man was hugging me, it was as if it'd been months. I noticed most of the lights were off except in the kitchen and in his bedroom.

"No one's home?" I asked. He shook his head and pulled me close.

"Nope. Damien is at a friends and Dad is running the store tonight. He hasn't been drinking like that. He said he felt up to doing it and I was more than happy to let him. It's just you and me tonight. I want to lay with you. C'mere."

We lay next to each other holding one another. His head was on my chest and I was running my fingers through his waves.

"I hate that we have to fight and make up just so you can be nice to me."

He sucks his teeth and sighs heavily. "Nikki, we're having a nice moment, why you gotta bring that shit up? I wasn't even thinking about that bitch." Deflated, I push further.

"But you said we would talk about it later."

"Nah, son. You said we would talk about it later. But I already told you, there's nothing to talk about. It got out of hand and it won't happen again. End of conversation. What I'm interested in is why it took you so long to get back to me. What were you doing because I know you weren't at work." He sits up.

"Oh. Well. I'm taking classes at The New School. I was working on a project for one of them. I hadn't had a chance to tell you yet." His eyebrows knit together in obvious confusion and frustration. He licks his lips, clasps his hands and looks up at the ceiling.

"Nikea. I thought the whole point of you dropping your classes in Australia was so that you wouldn't go to school? Weren't you just talking about being my wife and shit? I gotta be honest bro, when we first started dating that bookworm shit was cute. But now, you gotta wrap that shit up. It's not cute anymore. "

My eyes widened, and I could feel my pulse quickening. "Who the fuck gave you that impression?"

He puts his hands up. "Okay, we're off on the wrong foot. I'm not trying to argue, you ain't gotta curse at me. I'm just confused, I didn't expect you to be going to school still. I don't know, I guess I saw you and I working on our relationship or some shit."

"Why ain't you say that shit then? Austin, I was in school before we met, when we met and that's been consistent. We can and will compromise on some things in this relationship but that's definitely not one of them." Austin rolled over on top of me and kissed my nose, my neck and then my lips.

"I love it when you get loud with me. You're so damn sexy. Fine. I guess I can live with that. For now." I could feel him getting hard through his sweats. I nibble on his ear and a sound escapes his throat. My hands slides down the front of his pants. He began to throb and writhe against me. Fuck, I missed this.

The lights on the bodegas across the way illuminated the sidewalk as they always do. Chatter was lively today, which makes sense because it's Friday. Austin's snoring in bed next to me. I lean in close and lay my head on his chest. I rest there and enjoy the rise and fall of his breathing until he adjusts and turns away from me. I get up from the bed and look at my phone. I realize I never texted Bianca back.

Me

So..... I just got my back blown tf out.

Bianca

BY WHO?! New dick is the best.

Me

Yikes. I'm with Austin.

Bianca

Bitch. Are you crazy?????

I just might be. Sometimes when I'm with Austin I feel like I've got whiplash. When it's good, it's amazing. When it's bad... fuck man, duck for cover.