Fantasies and Your Relationship

by Elayne Douglas 7 months ago in advice

Is this normal?

Fantasies and Your Relationship

Fantasies can be a really sexy way to spice things up in your relationship if things are going a little sour. It’s a way for you to know what your partner wants, maybe something they wouldn’t say before until you bravely asked.

Unfortunately, those aren’t the kind of fantasies I’m talking about.

Nope, I mean the ones you have about somebody else... while you’re in a committed relationship.

Yup. That’s right. Been there, done that. And let me tell you, it is the most nerve wracking thing.

A few months ago, I confessed to a friend that I was worried I was becoming somewhat attracted to a friend of mine, one that I actively share my sex life with.

I hear from him every day and I hear about his sexual excursions, as well, as if they were any good or not.

All details welcome.

With both my boyfriend and I working all the time, making time for the kind of sex we need is complicated, especially when you’re too exhausted to do anything but drive home and pass TF out.

Because of this, receiving attention from another man who I trusted and thoroughly enjoyed talking to, I found myself having very brief thoughts about what it would be like if something happened between him and I... Let me stress very briefly.

But they were still there and I felt terrible, like I was cheating. Did this mean I didn’t love my boyfriend anymore?

No, it just means I was attaching what I wanted to somebody who was giving me attention, but not in a romantic way.

After this continued for about a week, I couldn’t hold it in any longer and I told this guy what I had been thinking.

He snapped me back in complete understanding and nothing was weird between us. I was relieved.

I then told my boyfriend I had been feeling a little distant from him, and he agreed. So, we made the effort of making more time for each other and we went right back to normal.

We rode off into the sunset.

And then it happened again.

Work got in the way of our relationship and there was a teeny crack of space between us, a crack we tried oh so hard to close.

His schedule wasn’t matching up to mine, he would get off hours after I did or vice verse, and since we aren’t currently living together, it wasn’t like we would just see one another once we got home.

I had less and less chances to tell him about my day. Sharing simple things like that are so important.

See, when you work every day along side the same people, you know each other inside and out.

Which means that my coworker, who is about 12 years older than me, knows all about my sex life and I know all about his, or lack of it.

We would talk every day about what we like, what we don’t, our sexual experiences, our relationships; work talk.

It was during this second drift that I became very close to him as a friend, and was mortified when I woke up one morning from a dream about him.

Again, I frantically confessed this to my friend and she had me break it down and really think about it.

“Look at it this way,” I remember she told me.

“He’s an older man who naturally comes off as very protective, and since that’s one thing women crave, it makes sense you would be attracted to that.

You guys talk all the time about sex and since you don’t currently have time for any, you pairing that conversation with him physically in a dream isn’t a bad thing. It’s just your brain connecting what you want to who you talked to about it.”

This calmed me down a great deal and about a day later, I drunkenly told my boyfriend about it.

Instead of being upset or concerned, he laughed and kissed me on the forehead, cradling me in his arms, telling me it was probably because we didn’t have time for any recently and I would see my coworker every day.

I remember mumbling that’s exactly what I had been told.

Since then, we’ve been avoiding lags in our relationship as much as possible and making it a point to be with each other.

Sex can be very important in a relationship and is often a very emotional act that connects people at a deeper level; if that’s how it is for you and your significant other, sit down and talk about it.

Open communication and sex go hand in hand.

If you’re hot and bothered for a week and a half without getting a fix, let them know and as un-sexy as this sounds, plan for it.

I mean an actual date on the calendar, circle it in red because you get to get laid that day, and that’s important!

Always make an effort and don’t be scared if you think about somebody else. It’s natural and only becomes a problem if you act on it.

Talk to your partner about it and discuss how to make time for it.

Buy lingerie and let them know you’re wearing it under your clothes.

Wear their favorite perfume of yours. Make them breakfast. Go out on a date.

Actively discuss bringing the spice back, because spice is fucking important.

And don’t forget to say, “I love you,” because that’s the most important part.

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Elayne Douglas

Dancer, poet, creative visionary. 

I’m full of wanderlust, left over teenage angst, and probably coffee, as well as an obvious love for writing. Here I will share my experiences and hope that they help you in some form or fashion. 

See all posts by Elayne Douglas