Echoes

It had been so long since a Man had made love to her that the echo of his touch had faded almost completely..She would close her eyes and try to remember what it felt like to be touched with something more than lust. She couldn't. She couldn't remember what it felt like to be safe, and protected and not used or ignored. 

  She could remember entire cases from beginning to end but she could not remember what it felt like for a man to want her not for what she could do for him, but because he wanted  her. Her relationships had never been hard,  full of conflict or involved so many tears as they had since her ex boyfriend. She was always so loved, and supported but all that was was vivid memories and all she had to cling to, when she needed everyone to be on her side making sure she got through all of this...

 Her dreams were simple. Falling asleep in his arms,  in their perfect bubble of love and waking up to a world where there was happy. 

   Her world had never been chaos and she needed him to be her other half. She still reached for the other side of the bed, when she woke alone wondering if she would ever wake not alone again. She tried to remember being touched with a mix of fire and love. The need to feel that coursing through her veins never left her. In fact, she craved it more in it's absence. She needed her heart to be touched as gently as her body. She needed to be able to feel his heart seep through her skin and drip into her veins where it altered her DNA forever. She thought she had found him a million times over the last two years. She had once asked God every night for this perfect man 6 years ago,  and she had been given him. He had been her everything..her perfect, her normal. She could tell you how much she loved him until 2 years ago. Even now she still did but she could never unlove anyone she ever loved, like he had her. She had been through hell because of him and he still didn't care. Her favorite Judge had wanted her to marry him,  and even in her worst moments she had thought he was her Captain America. Then he simply let her entire life be devastated, and yet she still when asked about him did not tell everything he hadn't done to help her because even though he deserved it she wouldn't tell his colleagues he had been the reason she had nothing. He had become a person she didn't recognize just like everyone she had ever cared about. He had been her fairy tale until the day he abandoned her. Since him everyone she dated had done the same. There had to be a Good Man left in the universe who didn't make her promises and then disappear. 

 Abandoned by another guy, someone  who she wanted to be with and she thought was different then him,  who had promised her a life and a family her thoughts drifted back to when she was his. When love hadn't been so painful and upside down. She was torn between losing a man she loved and what could have been a life she wanted as she fought back tears every moment and memories of how easy it had been. She would never understand how men could simply hurt her so badly and not think of it twice and forget her when she couldn't forget anything about them. How they had the ability to simply forget someone ever existed even in the face of it costing a woman very nearly her life and break her heart over and over again. 

  She curled into bed,  alone and hurting trying not to let the tears fall as they had for weeks now. She tried to remember being in the arms of someone who loved her though it was so far away. So much time and space. She couldn't conjure even the memory. It had been over 3 years, since the last man she had loved had held her tenderly in his bed. On the lonely nights, she tried to remember his arms around her after he had made love to her. It was virtually impossible. She craved that kind of love again. The kind where had told her he needed to ask her something and shut them in the bathroom so he could kiss her. It would always lead to something more as he would slightly tug her hair and scoop her up and sit her on the bathroom counter, and take off her clothes and kiss her like she was the last woman on earth and he would never let her go.

She dreamed of it every night. The problem was she could no longer feel anything from the wall that encompassed her heart from being hurt so many times. She reached out to Him in hopes he missed her too but the return text never came. He had taken the fire from her desire and drowned it in his silence. She always would wonder why he had turned himself into everything that hurt her. How his pride could let him simple forget her. She never could forget the man who could have been King and became the reason she could never trust another man with her heart. The "I love you's" had become just words on a screen and a lost chance at a fairy tale. She could imagine a life with Him but it was so distant that the glitter in her veins had stopped sparkling as had she.