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Best Laid Plans

An excerpt from a (nonexistent) self-help book on successful dating tips … Author: Ben N. Dunne

By Andrew C McDonaldPublished 4 months ago Updated 4 months ago 9 min read
Best Laid Plans
Photo by Quino Al on Unsplash


NOTE: This expansion of Best Laid Plans is merely fabricated . There is no such book or author to my knowledge.


Best Laid Plans: A nonfiction book by Ben N. Dunne outlining a list of step by step scenarios to be followed by those hoping to successfully culminate a sexual encounter with a willing partner {generally, but not necessarily, of the opposite sex}. Alternate title: Woo and Screw. NOTE: The main target demographic of “Best Laid Plans” is men approximately 20 to 50 years of age.

Following is a condensed encapsulated excerpt from ‘Best Laid Plans’:


Plan 1: Hook up a Pro: (Key Words: Go Pro; No Tell Motel; Suck for a Buck)

Offer a substantial amount of money to a prostitute

Take her somewhere isolated or to a hotel/motel (preferably with an hourly rate)

Have your way {AKA “Get your rocks off”}.

Return your partner from whence she came

Remember: Do not actually pay for any services until AFTER they have been rendered.

NOTE: Plan 1 is not for those who are overly concerned with either the identity of, or the moral standards of, their prospective partner.

SUBNOTE: While it is always a good idea to utilize condoms when engaging in sexual activity it is especially imperative when implementing Plan 1 as the majority of prostitutes are not known to submit their partners to pre-coital health screenings. PLEASE PRACTICE SAFE SEX.

Plan 2: The Expensive Date: (Key Words: Classy Partner; High Budget)

1. Pick up your prospective conquest on time and in an expensive sports car

If you do not have a sports car any reasonably fashionable expensive car or sport utility vehicle will do. Pick-up trucks are discouraged as a means of transportation when first taking out a ‘woman of class.’

A. Ensure there is a small blanket or large beach type towel in the trunk or back seat

2. Take her to a popular high-end restaurant and allow her to order whatever she wants.

A. Keep up a light banter throughout the meal

B. Maintain regular eye contact with only the occasionally perusal of your

prospective partner’s physical attributes. (i.e. Look her in the eye most of the time rather than continually staring at her breasts or other anatomical features; however, ensure she occasionally catches your vision ‘straying’ so she is aware of your interest/attraction.

C. Discuss her likes and dislikes with only occasional references to yourself.

Allow her choice of subjects to steer the conversation

AVOID talking about (and/or comparing her to) your ex girlfriends

NEVER tell her she reminds you of your mother

C. Ensure the dinner drinks are of midlevel alcohol content.

Wine or champagne is generally a good choice to accompany dinner

If one is not familiar with wines the wait staff at most good restaurants are happy to suggest an appropriate drink selection. Do not be embarrassed to take such a suggestion. Willingness to accept suggestions of such a type shows quiet confidence.

3. After dinner pay the entire check. DO NOT split the tab with your date.

4. Take her to a popular night club.

A. Continue to slowly supply your prospective conquest with drinks of midlevel alcohol content.

NOTE: Monitor your date’s alcohol intake… You want her slightly tipsy but getting her stumbling drunk is not advised

B. Pay attention to your date – do not neglect her for any acquaintances or friends who may show up. Let her know your attention is on her. Definitely DO NOT ogle any other women while at the club no matter how attractive.

C. Be sure to ask her to the floor for at least two slow dances

5. Upon departing the club invite her for a walk on the beach. For inland areas a lake will work in a pinch

A. Take her to a deserted stretch of shore.

Without undue fanfare retrieve the blanket or towel and carry it with you.

While walking reach out and gently take her hand in your free one. Stroll ‘hand in hand’ along the edge of the water with fingers entwined.

Occasionally rub your thumb in small circles in the center of her hand as you hold it.

After a few minutes of walking stop and “Admire the Moon”

NOTE: If the moon is not visible one can look at the clouds or comment on the beauty of the water… etc.

B.Suggest the two of you “kick off your shoes.”

Carrying your shoes in one hand, retake your dates free hand and walk along the shore for another two to four minutes before stopping once more

NOTE: This step will necessitate placing the blanket/towel over one forearm in order to facilitate ease of carrying your shoes.

This second stop should be in an isolated location away from possible prying eyes. Privacy is a MUST (unless certain your date is an exhibitionist…).

C. Set the blanket/towel aside. A handy tree or plant is a good place to set it. If none are available, drop it lightly to the ground nearby. Do not throw it down.

D. Place both arms around her waist. Look her in the eyes for approximately ten seconds. Tell her you find her extremely attractive and sexy

E. If she does not pull back or object, kiss her on the lips

Should she part her lips during this kiss then engage in a “French Kiss” utilizing only light tongue penetration - don’t get forceful at this stage.

Break the kiss after twenty to thirty seconds and ask her if she is as turned on as you are.

F. Affect a slightly breathless tone when saying “Are you as turned on as I am?”

Note: Hopefuly ‘Yes’ will be the response. If not, scratch the rest of the plan, return to the car, and take her home.

G. Referring to previous: If she answers “Yes” begin lightly stroking her body in increasingly intimate areas while maintaining eye contact.

Generally this should begin with both hands in the center of her back, progressing down to a light rub over her derriere, and back up to a feather stroke along the forearms.

NOTE: If the forearms get goose-pimples at this point that is a very positive sign .

H. While gently holding your partners forearms engage in a second kiss. Slightly more tongue is advisable but don’t be “sloppy.” During this second kiss, a surreptitious brush of a palm over a hopefully erectly taut nipple will usually bring desirable results.

I. Remove her shirt and bra.

If the shirt is a button up then gently - using only one hand if dexterous enough and two if not - undo the buttons one at a time.

When all buttons are undone carefully slide the garment off her shoulders.

A. A light brush of fingers and possibly lips along the hollow of her throat while slipping off the shirt is encouraged.

B If the shirt is a pullover then gently grasp it at the bottom seam with both hands and slowly pull it up and over.

C. Allow the fingers to gently glide along the sides of her ribcage while raising the garment. Be careful not to snag any jewelry such as earrings or necklaces .

D. Upon removal of the garment gently smooth her hair back into place while lightly stroking the hollow of her throat. Use of two hands when undoing the bra is acceptable.

E. While maintaining an easy eye contact slide both hands around to where your fingers meet in the small of her back

F. Move your fingers up slowly while just tracing their tips along the skin of her spine.

G. Upon reaching the brassiere clasp carefully disengage it.

H. Slide the garment forward and off while allowing fingers to trace a feather light touch along her skin. A gentle caress along the underside of her breasts as your hands pass is allowable.

I. Carefully set the discarded clothing aside. Avoid damage to her clothing.

J. Engage in another kiss. During this kiss allow your tongue to gently glide

around inside your partners mouth and entwine with hers.

NOTE: Without being actually rough it is okay to be slightly more forceful during this kiss to communicate the depth of your desire. You may want to clasp her behind the back and pull her more tautly against you. {It’s okay for her to feel the pressure of your aroused penis pulsing against her body at this time even though it is still covered}

Upon breaking this kiss at your leisure, lightly caress and suckle her breasts.

Alternate gently stroking her aureoles with a medium hard grip on the underside of a breast. Occasionally use a hand to lift one breast in order to stroke it gently with your tongue.

NOTE: The tip of a tongue just grazing the hardened tip of an aroused nipple is generally a good turn on as is a gentle “suckling” BUT for most women “slobbering all over their tits” is not. BE NEAT.

NOTE: The emitting of light moans by your date during this step is taken to be a positive sign of her sexual arousal. Do not let such sounds worry you.

By this time (if she has not already) your date should either begin to attempt removing your shirt herself OR she may ask you to take off your shirt.

Barring any unforeseen stupidity or possible interruptions YOU ARE NOW


Spread out your blanket or towel prior to laying down: Sand in inappropriate places is NOT a turn on and can lead to unfortunate consequences.

***NOTE***: If at ANY TIME during the course of following the plan your prospective partner objects you should immediately desist in your actions, apologize nicely for any offense, and take her home.

Plan 2 is, of course, dependent on the weather as well as a number of other factors. Inclement weather plans for alternate locations are available in ‘Best Laid Plans’ as well as many other factor dependent scenarios. While the target demographic, as previously noted, is mainly younger males, Best Laid Plans is intended to be as all-encompassing as possible. The book includes plans/scenarios based on age, income level, likes and dislikes, etc. Please peruse the table of contents and check out the scenarios best suited to your particular situation. An index is also available at the back of the book to allow for easy searches based on key words & phrases.

Please note that the author and publishers first and foremost stress the Practice of SAFE SEX. Secondly, be it noted that while the book is geared towards male/female relationships it is adaptable for those of other preferences or lifestyles.

Be sure to check out Plan 27: Make Out Like a Bandit. This plan is geared towards couples who enjoy role-playing. Note: Plan 27 is generally for those couples who have a more established relationship and have built up a certain level of mutual trust. Plan 27 is not intended for implementation by newer couples who don’t yet know each other very well.

Check with your local bookstores to determine where copies are available in your area. Best Laid Plans, by Ben N. Dunne, is generally shelved under the “Self Help” section.


About the Creator

Andrew C McDonald

Andrew McDonald is a 911 dispatcher of 30 yrs with a B.S. in Math (1985). He served as an Army officer 1985 to 1992, honorably exiting a captain. Check out his novels “Punishment and Good Deeds” and “The Killing Keys” at Amazon kindle.

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  • Real Poetic4 months ago

    This is so positive and put together so well. ❤️

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