Beginners Guide to Sex

Understanding the complex nuances involved in sex will make you smarter and not freak out in your next sexy rendezvous.

Beginners Guide to Sex

Whether you learn about sex from experience, or hear it through classes, talks and videos, there’s plenty you don’t actually know. From what it actually feels like, to how long it takes, to the pressure of your first time and even the gross little points like sweat and what to do after you cum. There’s a world of things that you’re never really told, so here’s a little list. Y’know, because some people are actually curious about those weirder little details!

Taking a break from sex is awesome, but don’t go for too long.

There’s a bunch of reasons that I could go into, but here’s my main two points; firstly, it feels good. Why would you want to ignore something that gives you a load of pleasure and intimate bonding with your partner? Secondly, you run the real risk of being scared of sex. Yep – it’s incredibly common, and I’m sure you’ve felt it at least once, to become worried about sex after staying ‘clean’ for a little while. The main worry is ‘will I do this right?’, which can turn a quick two-month break into a year or more of constant worrying and sexual frustration.

Shocker – you can actually sleep with your friend and it won’t turn into a giant shit-storm of emotions. 

Honestly, the fears that one of you will grow stupidly attached, or expect something a lil’ more than a one-night-stand are often placed in a load of grey clouds. Clarity is never really given other than “don’t fuck them, because they’ll just fuck you over,” which isn’t really helpful or true in most cases. If you are both committed to not being committed, hell yeah it can work out. The key here is to talk; simple communication of expectations and boundaries can destroy any chances of diving dick-deep into something neither of you really wanted. Slow down, talk and expect only what you discuss. A healthy ‘friends-with-benefits- scenario may even boost your status as friends!

It’s completely possible to have sex with someone and not love them.

You could have the most mind-blowing, bed-breaking sex, share the craziest of kinks, laugh out loud throughout the night and genuinely love them as a person, but when it comes down to it, you really don’t need to love them in that way. Sure, you’re sharing a seriously intimate moment that may or may not be romantic, or gross (or maybe both at the same time), but nothing needs to develop – just like the friends-with-benefits point, only expect what you both want. One night stands aren’t emotionally dangerous!

Despite what you think, someone will always want to have sex with you. 

I don’t mean that in a creepy stalker way, but it’s statistically true. In really rough estimates, there are 3.5 billion females and 3.5 billion males. It’s insanely likely one of those will want to fuck you at least once. Just spread your wings and travel out a little; visit a new country, experience new communities and find love (or sex) in a far-away place. Another little boost: roughly only 0.3% of females and 1.2% of males die whilst still holding their virginity – so yeah, you’re bound to get it at least once! If you still have that giant V-shaped societal construct lingering, don’t worry. There is no pressure at all and you’ll find your own time. Make it happy, make it special, just know it’ll happen eventually.

Crying during sex is surprisingly common.

In fact, the majority of women will cry at least once during sexual intercourse during their life – not because of pain, but through sheer overwhelming emotions. “Shit, I’m actually doing this!” and “Damn, this is good, what a relief” were just some of the statements a researcher heard from women when they shared their thoughts when crying. Whilst I really don’t have experience of this at all, I know that if my partner did cry during the act, I wouldn’t stigmatize as it’s perfectly normal! Just make sure they (or you) are mentally and physically okay, and then continue. It’s bound to happen – just make sure your partner knows what’s going on, or they might freak out and join you in a weird orgasmic pool of tears and confusion.

Sometimes, you can have a ‘bad’ sexual experience.

While this is sadly a touchy topic, the dark reality for a growing number of people, leading experts have suggested that the best cure for a bad sexual experience is a good one. One sexologist suggests finding a careful, respectful partner to go completely at your pace to give you exactly what you want. Establish boundaries and safe-spaces, know exactly what is going to happen and keep clear communication open and you’re set for a better experience. But, above all else, if you haven’t shared your ‘bad’ experience with anyone and you believe it to be rape, please tell someone you trust – a doctor, the police, your family or friends or even a teacher. Sometimes, sex can’t be the answer to everything and everyone deserves the right support and help for them.

Sex can be pretty gross – it’s not all like the porn.

Just as sex can be intimate, hot, sensual and romantic – the stuff of your dreams, it can be a nightmare. You’ll probably sweat a lot, you might get out of breath, you might get cramp where it counts, or you might just be a bit too tired. It’s healthy to know that these are really common in sex, so expect it! Just know you’ll both be experiencing similar experiences, so don’t worry.

The person you lost your virginity to doesn’t necessarily have to be the love of your life.

There, I said it. Sure, there are many cases of couples that lost their virginity together and got married, had millions of kids and died in each other’s arms 150 years later, but they’re increasingly rare. First encounters can be shitty, really shitty, and that’s not often a good benchmark to have. Coupled with the fact we’re losing our virginity at a younger and younger age, we’re almost bound to venture off to other relationships through the course of our meagre lives. Firstly, don’t expect your first time to be mind-blowing. Hell yeah its different and hell yeah its awesome, but it won’t be the best. Secondly, you probably won’t be with that person for the rest of your life, so be careful of your expectations. Lastly, if I’m completely wrong and you do stay with that person – great! Every healthy relationship is worthy of celebration, whether they last for eternity or just one night.

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Benjamin Wareing

Journalist and photographer. News, opinions and politics are my forte. Futuristic dystopian is my kink.

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