5 Days on Tinder

by Anna Nguyen 6 months ago in comedy

I was a stupid college kid trying out Tinder for the first time.

5 Days on Tinder
I played myself.

5 DAYS ON TINDER

DAY 1

On the very first day, I started talking to a polyamorous couple. They were pretty hot. Body-wise, at least. In brutal honesty, I just saw threesome potential. The way they texted was so energetic and emoji-filled that I knew we weren’t the same people. And they sent me so many messages at one time, it was crazy. I still agreed to meet up with them later on.

I was thriving on all the attention I got on Tinder. Knowing so many people wanted to get to know/fuck you was overwhelming, but very flattering. I briefly talked to nice people. I briefly talked to nice, boring people. I briefly talked.

A guy named Prince, who I only chatted with for 10 minutes about Universe shit, asked to come over to “chill.” It was 11 PM. And I was wanting some touch, so I let him over.

It had been 7 months since I’ve had sex. Afterwards, I felt weird. I realized how much I was thinking with my clit, and not my head. I didn’t know this guy at all, and yet let him inside my home. Inside me. I told him I wanted to sleep alone.

He was stinky too. I partly made him leave because I was planning on taking a shower and washing my sheets.

He was kind of upset. I notice men have such egos when they realize the girl they fucked isn’t into them as much as they thought. It’s not like I wasn’t into him, it’s just that I wanted only sex at the time, and he initiated it, so what he gets is emotional distance.

As he was getting ready to leave, he chuckled to himself and said the universe was “gnarly.” I questioned him on that and he told me how the two other Asian girls “were so whack.” That they were so dry and they didn’t show any expression when around him. And now he found me, third Asian girl, and I don’t want him. He told me he was looking for a relationship with an Asian. He also told me he didn’t like white girls. I didn’t really know what to say to all this, so I just listened. He left, and I fell asleep on the couch because my sheets were in the wash.

DAY 2

More swiping. I matched with more and more people and was trying to navigate through multiple conversations. I matched with someone named Sawa. I really liked his tattoos. I really liked his face too. Immediately after matching, he asked if I wanted to listen to good music and smoke blunts with him. That sounded nice on a sunny day, so I went.

I discovered he was around my height-ish. I’m 5’2”. Kind of disappointed. I knew I wasn’t going to have sex with him, but I liked his tats so much. I thought I could make a friend. He seemed kinda intense about everything right off the bat, so I rolled with it. When I asked about his ethnicity he told me he was Cambodian, and then proceeded to go on a tangent about Cambodian genocide. That was kind of harder to roll with. He put on Chief Keef and I was disappointed.

I didn’t really know what to talk to him about. I honestly don’t remember what I babbled about. At one point he could probably tell I was stressed the fuck out, so he turned me over and tried to give me a massage. I thought, “Cool, I could get a massage out of this.” I don’t know why I thought he was really sincere in giving me a massage. He said I needed to take my top off first. That really put me off, and I started to get a little loose with my words. The weed also helped with that.

So, I said, “If you give me a good massage, maybe I’ll let you give me a full body massage.” Everything was a blur after that. All I know was that he emphasized, “let you” as he hopped off the bed. He got really loud or excited, I have no idea. But I suddenly didn’t want to fuck, and I was on my back looking up at him. So I dipped. I don’t know if it was because I was too high, but I felt a tinge of fear.

Later that night, I met up with the polyamorous couple, named Samurai and Mikori, which were their stage names. They were trying to build their music careers. Samurai really wants to be the second coming of Lil Peep. He was really into the whole death, depression, emo aspect. He was very pushy with his music. He also made a phone game, which was cool. Except every time he tried to show it to me it crashed.

We were planning on eating sushi by the river. When we got there, Samurai asked me if I could “get the strap out of the glovebox.” I refused to touch any guns that night, but I opened the glovebox anyways. It was small. He saw my eyes widen and quickly reassured me that it was all good. “Just in case someone wanted to fuck with us…” I didn’t feel threatened or unsafe or anything, but I did feel confused and a bit amused… because I didn’t really sense any need for it. We were going on a picnic.

They forgot the ammo. They softly bickered about it in front of me and brought it anyways.

Samurai got “SAMURAI” tattooed on his back, recently. Like, two days before. He also does parkour. He brought his ninja socks to the beach. He also doesn’t like being wrong and had a very final way of talking. He didn’t approve of how repressed Japanese culture was and kept on trying to convince Mikori that she wouldn’t want to go to Japan.

Throughout the date, I saw how pushy he was with Mikori. Always pressuring her to take off her hat, or smoke, or even leave the picnic area because he was scared of big nails falling down from the railroad bridge we were under. Mikori told me he forced her to wear the outfit she had on with a joking laugh, and I didn’t know if I should’ve been concerned or not.

I guess he was just forceful with everything. I didn’t care for it. He bummed cigs too much, and I could sense that he was using his “macho-ism” because he seemed very sure he could get a cig by talking so rudely. “HEY GET US TWO CIGS FROM OVER THERE” vs. “HEY COULD YOU GET US TWO CIGS FROM OVER THERE?”

Prince texted me during the date and Mikori saw while typing “Lil Peep” into my phone. I decided communication is healthy, so I told her I met him the night before and that we fucked.

The couple still liked me, though… I think? They wanted to go back to my place, I had to make an excuse. I met and talked to so many people in one day, I was tired.

As I was about to fall asleep on the couch, I got a phone call from Samurai. He was confronting me about sleeping with Prince last night, and said something about not wanting “to compete for anyone”... “I know him, I only met him once … but I know him and he’s corny as fuck”...“If you want to be blessed by us when we blow up, like, how do you feel about him and about us?”... “Like, If I ended up falling for you like, I don’t care, I’ll shoot this guy’s face”... “I hope you have fun with him.” I could not believe I was dealing with this after one date.

I had to tell him that I’m not with anyone, and everyone (It was only my 2nd day on Tinder) was at an even playing field. We said goodbye and I fell asleep.

DAY 3

I woke up to a text from Samurai saying, “If things don’t work out between you two, feel free to hit us up.” It’s like he didn’t hear me at all.

I was supposed to go on a date with this guy named Aaron. Smoke and then go to an art museum. I got high with him and it was fine, but I soon got super paranoid and all up in my head. I wasn’t making sense when I talked and was trailing off and walking aimlessly. I was bombing, so I thought, just say whatever, you’re not going to see him again probably. Wrong choice. I said something racist and regretted it immediately after. And then I started crying. Suddenly, the character that I was playing from the beginning of this whole Tinder mess was crumbling, and all that was left was a tired human being. I just felt horrible about myself and everything around me.

He was really concerned. Probably freaked out. Basically had a vague therapy session with him on the couch. I wanted him to know that I was sexually assaulted a while ago, and that I didn’t now how I felt about sex and men. I just knew I’d like to enjoy both with no issue. I kept holding back my words and looked very crazy, probably. This was his first time meeting me, and now snot was rolling down my face... I felt so bad.

“I probably look crazy to you right now…” I told him.

He replied, “You’re not crazy. I’ve had way crazier. My last girl killed herself.”

That unsettled me a bit.

He told me I should delete Tinder. I told him I would, but I’m horny all the time. Eventually, my crying had subsided and he left.

DAY 4

The next morning I sent Aaron a text that said, “Thank you for everything last night. I’ll let you know when I finally get a therapist lol.”

He replied back, “Of course, hit me up if you need to talk.” And then he sent, “especially if you’re horny [purple devil emoji].” I feel like sex ruins a lot of connections.

Today, I was supposed to meet up with another guy, named Nick. He was a suave looking older guy, close to his 30s. From his profile, his life looked pretty put together. He graduated from Stanford, was a scientist, liked jazz, and played the piano. When I talked with him on Tinder, he seemed to be into a bunch of musical instruments. He invited me over for wine, and I accepted. I pictured a nice sleek apartment; him pouring me expensive wine, and maybe I'd get to sing jazz while he played the piano.

I waited in the lobby of his apartment complex. He texted me wondering if it would be fine if he wrapped up a phone call meeting while I was there. I was cool with it. Soon after, out came a man that… did not look like the guy in the profile. The guy in the profile looked chiseled, tanner, and had sunglasses on in every picture. The guy before me was tall, a bit tan, but looked skinnier (aside from the small belly protruding against his t-shirt), and he seemed to be cross-eyed. I didn’t really know what to think.

He waved at me and I went over. He gave me an awkward hug, and then we went into the elevator together. In the elevator, I could hear a bit of him say something about chemical bonds or something scientific like that, and my irrational mind convinced me that this guy wasn’t Nick, but some science major mistaking me for his study partner. I jumped at the idea and quickly turned to him saying, “Oh, I think you have the wrong person…” but my fantasy shattered when he took out an earbud and mouthed, “Conference call.” I knew nothing was going to happen with this guy.

His apartment was clean and modest. And the wine that he gave me was a wine that I have gotten before from 7-11. He certainly was smart. Half of the conversation was about his achievements, with the mention of Stanford heavily laced in. He stopped momentarily to put on his sunglasses, the same pair I saw in the profile.

There was really nothing in common between us besides liking the same kind of music, so we jammed for a bit, but it was more like me fucking around on his djembe and him playing a very intricate and complicated piano solo. Near the end, I stopped playing the drums and just stood and watched him. We talked about more jazz music and the way he talked was very energetic, but kind of smug. It turned me off. I wanted to leave. He asked if I wanted to take a walk and I declined, saying I had to meet up with my friends soon and then left.

On my way back, I stopped into a thrift store and bought a pair of vintage jeans, to kind of make up for the lackluster date. He later texted me that day with, “Let me know when you can do the benefits part of friends with benefits.”

I cringed.

DAY 5

Another day, another dick.

I had another guy named Dudley come over to my apartment on a nice Sunday afternoon. From his profile, he looked like he traveled a lot, and he was tall and handsome. I got a sense of wealth. At this point, I was looking into guys that I knew could offer me a little something more than 7 mediocre minutes of sex.

Anyways, Dudley came over looking fine as hell and I finally felt like I was getting something I deserved. I watched A$AP Rocky music videos with him and we smoked. I was starting to realize how heavily some guys rely on weed or alcohol to entertain a girl. I used to think of weed as an enhancer, but it seems to be more as a crutch. Eventually, we were in my bedroom. He had “Blessed” tattooed all across his chest and I wondered what made him feel so blessed. While we made out, I asked him if he had a condom, he said no.

NO? Why the fuck did you come over then? To watch music videos with me? The conversation we had didn’t show me anything else besides the fact that you were waiting to fuck me. We literally matched the morning of! You didn’t know me at all and you wanted to come through. And you didn’t bring a fucking condom.

I got the feeling that he’s the type of guy that fucks raw, no matter who it was. And that scared me. We were both naked and he was on top of me. We were just kissing, and other stuff, but I suddenly felt very anxious. This guy was like 6’2” and could have easily overpowered me. I just couldn’t risk it. I tried to keep my legs closed so my vagina wouldn’t be open for easy access. I felt so incredibly unsexy then. And I was sad and angry over the fact that I was feeling that way during sex. He probably was disappointed, and at the time I was concerned for him. I felt like he should at least get off so I humped him and there’s that. Nothing in it for me except my wasted energy. I was so naive.

It turns out his profile consisted of photos from only one trip to Miami and he worked at Victoria's Secret.

DAY 6

I deleted Tinder.

comedy
Anna Nguyen
Anna Nguyen
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